Elaborate Observations on Daily Trivia

their part in your story is over

2011-06-28T12:03:00.002-05:00

Always REMEMBER when people walk away from you let them go, because your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you. It doesn’t mean that they are bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.

-- Anon

I read this somewhere. Some thoughts are really so profound and true. Just not easy accepting them.

My baby started day care. Has been sick every week. Fourth week, this one and is down with ear infection. Where is everyone when you need them. Granny, Mom and even some good friends. Life really is harsh at many times.

Just mulling over random things not necessarily in any order.

Serenity Prayer

2011-06-24T17:47:00.001-05:00

Been repeating this repeatedly. Wish God blesses me with Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

I am a Mom!!!

2009-12-02T16:35:00.002-06:00

I have an announcement to make.
I am a mom to a 10 week old girl. The last year had been so wonderful with me being pregnent mostly and now having sleepless nights with her. I never knew motherhood could be this great. If only I had, I would have had a baby a long time ago. You becoming a mom, makes you see your parents in a different angle all together.
2009 indeed has been a great year with all its ups and downs!

Kangal Irandal .....

2008-10-01T14:52:00.007-05:00

I recently saw the movie Subramaniyapuram. What a movie, after a very long time, I found a movie that I can watch many times. Even repeatedly and especially the song Kangal Irandal. I know many have raved about it already and I am way too late on this one. I don't what it is that makes me keep listening to that song repeatedly, is it the lyrics, if I am right they are by Thamarai, is it the voices of Belly Raj and Deepa Mariam, is it the music of James Vasanthan, is it the performance of Jai and Swathi, or is it the way the song is choreographed (I don't know who did that), or the way its been directed by Sasi Kumar.

But that one along with the other one from the same movie sung by Shankar Mahadevan (Kaathal Siluvaiyil, lyrics again by Thamarai, if I am not wrong) has been in loop the last 3-4 weeks.

The movie was really a treat. In spite of the heaviness of the subject the humor was really good and the movie was so very watchable. It doesn't make you get all heavy and emotional. At the same time, you do want to help the characters. There is something so tangible that you can relate so well with the characters. An excellent one after a very long time. Worth watching. Hope that director Sasi Kumar continues to give such movies.

You can listen to the songs here.

Another Year Goes By...

2008-09-14T12:04:00.006-05:00

Funny how time flies. Yet another year goes by with me standing and watching it go by. Its officially 2 years since I started this blog on that morning of September 14 2006. And this year I am posting a post a few days later after 14th of September 2008 on the 18th of September. I still have dated this "Sunday, September 14, 2008" for the obvious reason. Its been more than 6 months since I wrote something here. I haven't even replied to the comments of some of my fellow blog friends. I cannot say I had been busy that I couldn't acknowledge comments. I do value their comments and their friendships. Guess I lost the drive and had been too engrossed in myself. But this was a day that I did not want to let go like all the others.

I like the poems of Emily Dickinson. One notable thing about her poems is brevity. There is one poem in particular that I love a lot. You can find the poem here -- http://www.bartleby.com/113/4085.html

I am going to reproduce the words for my own sake. Its such a small one, and is just 8 lines. This particular one has always fascinated me right from the first time I have read it. This was something I have always heard from my granny. She would just say, as time goes by things will fall in place. As as kid I never really understood. But of late, I can relate so much to the poem. I was one person who really resented growing up and I still do in many ways. Which always takes me to what my brother would say... "Insecurity and pain is inherent in growth!" Many times I think though he is younger than me, he really is way too wiser than me.

THEY say that “time assuages”,—
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.
Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.

Time sure plays a lot of tricks in one's mind. The way you go through something makes you so strong that after a particular time when you look back you can really laugh at yourself. The only thing that matters for me is, I don't want to be laughing alone when laughing at myself and I don't want anyone laughing at me when I am not laughing either. But thank god, luckily I am not alone and I do have someone who can laugh with me at myself and at my idiosyncrasies and do it only when I laugh at myself.

Amma, I did remember you ... not that I remember you only on the 14th of Sep... its just that around this time you really trouble me a lot. You still puzzle me a lot. With every passing day, I seem to understand you more. I cannot say, I can accept all that I understand, but understand I guess I do. Its the third year without you. I did talk to appa ... but this year we did not talk about you today. This year was a lot better than last year.. Guess time really does assuage or is that I have learnt to handle it and get stronger. Whatever time really is a test of trouble.

One more significant thing about this post is its my 50th post. Funny... I wanted to write something substantial for a long time and was postponing posting something here and I end up posting now to register a date.

Little R and Vidya

2008-02-25T10:33:00.015-06:00

I was tagged by Premalatha to post a picture of me and R as kids.

After a great search I found R in a group photograph and had to take out just R from that one. He should have been around 6 or 7 that time.

Correction -- 2/26/2008: R must have been around 4 at the time that picture was taken.

I must have been around two when that picture was taken, the person who got me all decked up for the picture was my granny. That's the youngest I can find of me.

I am not all that keen on tagging anyone for the main reason, that it is posting pictures of yourself. Many of whom, I would like to see would like to remain anonymous. Anyone interested can pick up the tag and post their pictures, but please leave your link in the comment space. That way, I can get to see how you looked when you were young. If attached post it with your other-half's picture as a kid, but if single post a picture of just yourself as a kid.

ps. I have never posted any pictures on my blog. I am not interested in posting any either. After a great deliberation, I said to myself, posting a small black and white of ourselves taken some 3 decades earlier wouldn't hurt either of us. (God, I said it, I am atleast 3 decades old now, phew... never thought a day would come for me to say that.) This is the first picture posted in this blog.

Another Year Gone!

2007-12-28T12:32:00.000-06:00

Yet another year gone.
I grew old another year.
Lost my father-in-law in February.
Made some new friends this year.
Did not let my blog die.
Did spend some good time reading. Did not blog much about them.
Did not lose any weight as planned. But then, did not gain any pounds either, which by itself is an achievement :)
Watched some good movies; did not do justice to them in my blog.
Attended 2 concerts, my first being ARR's this year and then a Unni Krishnan's. Both were great. I had blogged on the former, but not the latter.
Spent some great quality time with my Dad after a long time. :D
Gave some tough times to R (life is no fun without that)
In all its been an okay year with both its pluses and minuses.

Though the year started with a shock, its ending pretty pleasantly. Happy New Year 2008 to everyone!

Getting Nostalgic

2007-11-06T21:18:00.001-06:00

I currently work for a company that has its own proprietary messaging tool, something like the yahoo messenger, where the smiley icons are way cooler than the ones we have on yahoo. But that’s besides the point. Most of my buddies at work have a cheeky/witty presence message (that’s what we call our status messages here) next to their display names on the messenger board.

One of my colleagues here today had this message:
Explain not...Friends don't expect it and enemies won't believe it. -- Old Irish Proverb

That made me smile and get nostalgic. How many times have we come across friends to whom we need to explain why we did something some way? And no matter how much we try to explain something there are people who never accept it. Ironically right now I am in that mode of not accepting an explanation that a ‘someone’ gave me recently. I am digressing again. That is a different story all together to which I should dedicate a post by itself. This one is about friends and how they do not expect any explanation from us.

Over the weekend, I had some time to talk to a friend of mine, whom I invariably never call as much as I would like to call. What with all these oceans between us, we don’t get to meet as much as we would like to meet each other. We are not the kind that can exchange long e-mails either. So it’s just that we end up being happy with those few moments that we try and steal from our lives occasionally to catch up over the phone.

With the world shrinking and with so much of new gadgets to keep in touch with people, it’s getting increasingly difficult to have a good conversation. During my school and college days before the cell phones and e-mails made their entry, chatting with my friends used to be over a cup of coffee and some junk food. Life used to be more cozy and warm without all these gadgets then. Now with each of us having a cell phone and an e-mail account, all we end up doing is exchange a cryptic sms message once a while. How I miss all those frivolous talks.

In my case, we had a terrace around which our whole lives revolved. Most of the evenings the terrace was our haven. We were a bunch of school kids that consisted of some 9 fixed members and some 10 odd people chipping in every now and then. Of the 9, 4 were guys and 5 were gals. And like every gang, there were groups within the gang. This gang of 9 was made up of kids that belonged to different age groups; the youngest, a boy, was in his 2nd grade and the eldest, a girl, was in her 12th grade.

The friend to whom I made my weekend call after a long time is one among this gang. When we start talking both of us never feel like it had been so many weeks or months since we have spoken to each other. We just pick it up where we left, and we pick it up like we had left it just yesterday, and just go on and on. It had never mattered when we spoke last, be it 6 days earlier, or 6 weeks earlier, or even 6 months earlier.

There has been a time when we hadn’t spoken to each other for more than a year. Both of us (I especially had been the culprit--had been too busy with my life) that I even forgot to go and invite my friend for my wedding. Trust me, this friend does not need an invitation. But at the very least should know where it is happening and the date. The useless me, hadn’t called and even when called did not have time to talk in a detailed fashion. And eventually realized what I had done, a day before wedding.

Frantic calls were made and realized the numbers had changed. Worst is yet to come, I still do not give up and try to hunt this friend of mine for dear life feeling really miserable and catch hold somehow to realize that my friend was out of town on business. But did my friend feel bad? Must have, but did not tell me that day. Did my friend ask for an explanation? No, so much so, I wasn’t even aware that my friend was not in town until much after the wedding when I asked my brother how come I did not see this friend during any of the functions.

When I had spoken earlier, my friend did not want to upset me and enquired all about how things were going and in the end said, ‘No problem, will be there, go ahead give the phone to your brother so that I can ask him the directions.’ I gave the phone to my brother and with that forget all about my friend again. It was my brother who was updated on the out-of-town-on-business status that I came to know of later, which I had not bothered again to enquire in the wedding frenzy.

Then there was this instance, when I called on my friend’s birthday after nearly 13-14 months; both of us had missed the previous ones; this friend did not have my contacts updated, for I had not given; and the minute my voice is heard, my friend goes, ‘WOW, how have you been? Tell me all that has happened, so how is married life treating you, how is your brother .. etc., etc., how is life treating you?’ and so on and so forth. Now tell me, am I not blessed to have a person like that for a friend. Not one word of me not calling. And to top it all, my friend ends that call saying, ‘It’s been a long time since I had been on phone this long, and it still feels like we just started our conversation.’ We had spoken for more than an hour :)

Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve such a friend. But then, there are times that make me thank who ever that’s up there, for having given me such people in life. There are a couple of friends like this friend of mine whom I treasure and who are always there for me no matter what not expecting any explanations—just letting me be. Then there are people to whom no amount of explanations can suffice. That whole gang from terrace were friends who never needed any explanations. And when the other one did not explain we just understood. Could it be because we all grew up together and we knew each other so well that there was no need for explanations?

One of them called me after some 5 years and said the most sweetest thing I ever heard in my life. ‘All I wanted was to hear was your voice and know that you and your family are doing well. I am doing well and so is everyone else here in my family.’ There had been so many reasons that this friend was out of touch. I was in constant touch with my friend’s family and knew how my friend was doing.

I many times wonder what my world would be if not for friends like them. Primary reason why I would like to turn back time. :-) Would love to go back and live that time again, with my granny and mom in the house, and me, my brother and my dad in the terrace where our whole world then was. If only I could turn back time... If only I could...

Update on NOV-26-2007: Its that friend's birthday today. I had a happy long chat :) Happy Birthday my friend! Have an awesome year ahead!

To be Attached or Detached?

2007-11-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

Long ago I read Vi’s Of Sylvia, Echoes, and Empty Rooms. That post made me get too nostalgic and I wanted to write so much in that comment space of hers that I realized I need to write them down as a post than a comment.

Eventually, I did start writing this one, the very day that I made that comment (18 September 2007 at 3:49 pm), but then, some how I got digressed in my daily rush of activities that it lay forgotten amidst all my files. Guess today is a day to get nostalgic. When I was clearing up my folders, I stumbled upon this incomplete write-up and said, let me make some logical conclusion to the fragment idea of mine.

Vi’s said post made me rewind and go back in life to the times when I was at high school. That was the time when I was starting to understand the world around me. I was kid who had been very reluctant to grow up. Even now, when I think of high school, I still think of myself as a kid. I was a kid for most part of my school life, and in fact got out of the cocoon to spread my wings very late in life. But then, even now, I haven’t grown in the real worldly sense, I doubt if I would ever grow up.

The idea of not getting attached to things that Vi talks about in her post, did sound too close to me. For with or without my knowledge for a long time in my life, I had lived a life that way, except that I had been attached to a person way too much and it did hurt real bad when that person had to leave me and go. But this person had been my real life example who taught me with her life, not to get attached to anything in life. I was learning to comprehend the world around me. Like how every kid first comprehends the one that’s closest to him/her, (mostly the mother) I started looking at and asking questions of whatever my granny did.

She never had anything to her, when I say anything I really mean it. All she left for us, when she died were 2 worn out sarees which actually is a treasure beyond measure for us. She never collected anything in life. Not that she had a great cushioned life where she can go collecting stuff. But even when she did have a cushioned life towards the last 2 decades of her life, she never collected and discouraged us from adding stuff too. Whatever I am today or I have made of myself as of today, is all because of her. Not that I have done anything great; but what little has been possible, has become possible because of her. She is the reason and the person who is mostly responsible for whatever I am today.

Everything I have today, right from my values, to my knowledge in cooking, to my attitude in life, to my attitude towards anything in life, the basics were learnt from her. She instilled pride in me. She instilled the attitude to aim at perfection in what little work I do. She instilled in me that there is pride in washing utensils and washing clothes and in mopping the floor. No work is less or no work is great. She laid the foundation in me and my brother when we were kids and made us get to wherever we are today. I cannot say that we have achieved anything great, but I do know she was proud of the human beings that she created in us. She taught us to be ourselves and most important to be comfortable of who we are. Above all, she taught us how to be both ambitious and contented.

All she had was another nine yards saree that she would need the next day to wear. She lived a life with nothing else to call hers. She did have a lot of people around her. She had her son, her daughter and 7 grandkids. But things, she had none. As we started growing up, me and my brother realized that she did need a 3rd saree and she was denying herself. Sometimes, during rainy days when we used retunr from school and hug her, we would feel that her clothes were damp. The few days that it rains in Madras, can many times leave a 9 yards saree remain damp even after the 20 odd hours it had had to dry.

Oh, I still remember how much we had to force her to have a 3rd saree. Even then she complied more for our sake than her own. She did not want us hugging her in that dampness for fear of getting us sick. As I said earlier, there were days when clothes would not dry in Madras because of rains; of course they are just a few days in a year, but with just 2 sarees in place and they being 9 yards, you can imagine, how difficult it would be to find a dry one in rains.

I can easily visualize the color of her saree and feel the smell of her in that saree. It always used to be the same colors with the replacement happening in the very same colors again. One of them would be a dark green, one a dark blue and the other a dark maroon and all would have some kind of thread work done for 1/4 inch as a border on both ends of the saree. Every year she would replace them and discard the old ones. For that, dad would pay the money to my aunt to get them, for then dad did not know much about sarees. But even way after, that became a habit and it was aunt who always got granny her sarees, but mind you, dad has to pay for it. Grannies and their idiosyncrasies :-)

I remember asking her many times, 'why do you always wear the same color and why is it that athai should buy it to you?' She would give that beautiful smile of hers and say ‘Oh, it started because, your appa did not know what to look for in a saree when buying and athai did not have that kind of money to spare then, but now that it has become a habit, I don’t want to change it. Plus, it is your dad who pays for it anyway. And I enjoy it that my daughter gets it for me from the shop. So both of them together take care of their mother’s need. Moreover, all you need is some clothing to cover yourself up. What is there in a color? It should be clean; that’s all there is to it. Why give it too much of importance. Get too much attached to such mundane things they will start ruling you.’

Many times, I wish I learned to live a life like her. She knew to find joy in simple small things around her. Unlike many granny’s whom I have seen, she knew how to laugh. For a woman who was widowed in her late 20s she sure knew how to be happy. I am still learning and I know I have a long long way to go ahead of me, not that I am a collector of things, but still :-)

I still feel this is incomplete, but in part this is complete, in a whole sense incomplete though. Writing about her will always be incomplete for I can never get words to express what I feel for her to my satisfaction. I am named after her, though that name is not my official name, in my family circle, I am known to carry her name. Hope she blesses me to carry on her attitude towards life too. Is it this that they call detached attachment?

Of This & That

2007-10-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

This and that and that and oh that too.

I have been noticing a trend in me of late that I don’t seem to like it a wee bit.

I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like to. I do have a lot to say, rave and rant about, but am scared seeing them written. Some of my real life folks read this space and do not want to shock them. That is taking my mind off blogging any little stuff that I want to write by itself.

I attended a Unnikrishnan’s light-music concert in Dallas recently, as recent as the 5th of October. Had a great evening, thanks to a friend who was part of the Vibha group which organized the show, getting the tickets was a breeze. I am yet to write about that. I really want to and intended to write about it, but something keeps me away from typing it down.
Its officially 2 years since mom’s demise. It hurts real bad at times; I hate to acknowledge it. I guess, its going to haunt me my whole life. So many things attached with itself that revolves around the year 2005 eats me terribly inside. Wish I grow out of it.
I hate myself for being what I am, where I have ended up myself today, but guess there is no way getting out of it in any near future. So no point brooding over it.
When I was younger It used to be easy to believe in God. God knows what happened to me and that belief of mine as I started growing older. Of late I find it very difficult to believe in God. Funny how I feel that, if I could set that right, it could help me feel better.
My patience of putting up with nonsense that I used to earlier is growing weak as days go by. Guess I am growing old.
I very recently read all the 7 potter books at one go and just finished the 7 one. I had already read them all earlier. But now, it was all the 7 in quick succession. That was indeed good. Enjoyed doing that.
After nearly 7 years I got to spend some 3 months with dad without any break in-between. Miss him bad after having all those good times with him so very recently. Felt really bad seeing him grown old. Felt even worse realizing that the hero of my life can at times falter.
Having spent that time with dad, I miss being with my brother more. More so, when I know he is with dad at home to perform mom's ceremony.
I just realized that its been a real long time since I made any new friends which at tomes makes me feel sad. Sadder still, I have lost touch with almost all my old ones too, the ones who do mean a lot to me. So much so, I do not have a friend whom I can just call up and talk to and meet for dinner. And that makes me realize I do not have a single friend to whom I can talk in the city that I live :-( Another sign that I am growing old.
When I was young and even now, I thought and still think marriage is all about companionship. Oh how very naïve and wrong I am and had been all along. With all due respect to R, if at all, marriage has taught me something, its made me realize very clearly, that I am alone and really alone in this world. More so than when I was unmarried. Am I getting cynical?
I have never felt as alone as I have been feeling of late, my entire life. Hope this is something I will come to terms with pretty quick. That way, I wouldnt spend my precious time in being in the dumps. I know this is a passing phase, but this time, this has stayed in place longer than I would like to.
There are so many questions that I would like to ask with reference to my very existence, but will I get answers. When I know I am not going to get any answers why am I asking them in the first place? Beats me!

Movies with Dad

2007-09-18T17:01:00.000-05:00

Sometime back during March/April, R sold the idea successfully this time that we need a big screen TV and eventually we bought it. And we switched over to a 50 inch plasma TV. Dad was visiting us in January and we did not have it then. So when we bought later, myself and R were mighty confused if we should tell him or let him discover it himself when he visits again. For we were planning right from March, to make him visit in June. And I had to beg my brother to not tell dad, for I had to tell him that we had gone for the big one at home.

God, how much we roamed around dallas to get a shelf for the TV, or is it a stand that would go the way I wanted it to go. Really tough time we had I tell you. Finding shelving units to match the rest of the furniture that we had in place. But in the end, all went well, not without some solid roaming of close to 2 weeks and some assembling and dismantling and some returns back to the store.

But anyways the end result was great. Dad has been freaking out on it since he came, and I cannot have enough words for R for having successfully made me purchase the idea of buying a big screen TV. And we have been enjoying it tremendously since then.

Dad being a movie buff that he is, when he came in July was way too excited seeing the TV. Moreover, dad hates doing movies in the theatres for they are too loud for him. And it’s been really years since appa seen a movie in the theatre. He would wait for it to come on the TV or a DVD to watch the same for watching them at home suits him the best. So all the more fun seeing him watch.

So with him at home with us the last couple of months I have been making my poor dad watch so many movies. Most of them my favorites. I do do a brief of the movie to him and let him do the choice of course. And we have watched quite some old ones too. Luckily, he is pretty quick with the sub-titles and so I have been able to make him watch so many and hopefully he enjoyed them as much as he says he enjoyed them.

I have been making him watch so many movies.. many of them the anthology kind of movies right from Harry Potter 1 to the 5th in IMAX (his first IMAX movie) to Die Hard, to Rush Hour 1, 2 and 3, Spidey 1 and 2 (haven’t gone to the theatre yet to watch the 3rd) Indiana Jones 1 – Riders of the Ark, Lord of the Rings, all the 3 of them (he just loved it) Sixth Sense, Poltergeist, Von Ryan’s Express, The Bourne Series (the one and two in DVD and the third in the movie hall)--he just loved it the best--, The Witness for Prosecution, Akeelah and the Bee and many more. I cannot remember the names of many movies that I made him watch.

Oh yes, we did watch Sivaji together too which actually was my second time. Of course that was in a movie hall. And I did make him watch some of the English ones in movie halls too. But still somehow, he is happy seeing them at home rather than the movie halls. Beats me. I go to the movie halls because I like the loud noise of the theatres. He hates it. Guess it has to do with age. For I remember my granny asking us to reduce the volume of our stereos when we growing up.

Apart from these, we did do a re-do of some Rajini movies. Add to it, the visit to Sea World in San Antonio and various other small time outings. What fun filled days the last few weeks were. I got to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with Dad in Dallas.

The first cricket series in our big screen TV was the India tour of England and we all got to see it together. Watching Cricket with appa is really great. Felt like I had gone to my 6th grade or 7th grade for a few fleeting moments. Except that those were the times when I missed my brother and the whole gang. Anyways the last few weeks have been a blast after a long time in my life :)

September 14 2007

2007-09-14T15:06:00.001-05:00

I complete a year today on Blogpost! Not bad, I did not let this blog die like all those journals that I maintained all along in my life. May not be as regular as I would like to be. But a lot better than not writing at all. Also made a couple of friends in the process (woo hoo)

Here’s for me for completing a year and this year on this 14th of September of 2007, I have dad visiting me in Dallas here. Another year goes by with me just watching it go.

Funny, appa remembered the day today, when all those years you had fought with him for forgetting the day. It’s the second year without you around and it sometime hurts to think, that I understand you more as I grow up.

Deathly Hallows

2007-07-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

The last weekend, it was the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Being a potter maniac myself, I got the book around mid-day on Saturday and sat down to read it late that night. I somehow did not like the idea that with this book it is all over. So decided to take it slow but after sometime, the fever caught me and in spite of being busy with so many things to get done, I ended up finishing it late on Tuesday. Every time, I had to get up from reading it, I would curse myself and the person who made me get up which would either be my dad or R.

R and dad came up with this mighty idea that they would take care of the cooking on Sunday with R telling me that he was going to make lettuce kootu and dad with okra curry. Of late, R has been spending a lot of his weekend time in the kitchen, doing a lot of different things and everytime he had done that, we have had some great lunch and dinners during weekends. So I am really happy with the idea and I go find a nice cozy place to read with my book, a water jug and some snacks to eat when reading.

But guess, last Sunday was not my day. The lettuce kootu ends up in a fiasco, and for the okra curry I would have gotten up some 4 times. But luckily, that did not need replacement as it came out well. Add to that the times, I got up to get stuff around for the lettuce kootu. The lettuce is abandoned and we got to look for something else to do in its place. Luckily R hadn’t added the paruppu to it yet. So I still had the daal to use. With a lot of cursings and yellings and what not, I rummage the fridge and find out that we had pumpkin.

The cutting session for the pumpkin begins with some more abuses directed towards R’s side. He did not want to get into the kitchen anymore saying that its not a good day for him for he has been goofing up too many things. So me and dad get the pumpkin ready and I put it to cook, getting many other things done around the kitchen in a speed that’s totally new to me and get the kootu eventually ready. I go have my bath and we have the food, and there I go back to the book. And of course I keep getting disturbed thoroughly through out the day, with R threatening me when I leave the book behind that he is going to read the last chapter and spill it out.

It indeed was an awesome experience that I had reading it. Being a bit sick with allergy and sinus, I decided to take the Monday off from work with R saying that I am taking the day off to read Deathly Hallows and my brother seconding him when I called him later that day. Little do I care. I do nothing for the whole day, let my dad make just some rice and end up feeling as weird as I could with the sinus pressure really hitting me hard. But I had to read the book, and so read as much as my eyes and head would allow me to, and eventually finished it late on Tuesday with R again pitching in to do the dinner which ended up pretty good this time.

All good things have to come to an end. No matter how much I hate that sentence, I have to accept the fact that its over. Anyways, I had never expected it to go on and on in the first place. Did want to know what happens to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Vol- eh, You-know-who and the whole bunch. And for that it has to come to a end. Its just that I cannot come to terms that its over. I am going to read the whole thing from book one, guess that might make me be at peace with myself and accept the fact that the Potter series is actually complete.

All in all I loved the book. All my favorite characters are there, may not exactly be the way I like them to be, but they are there and in the end, some of them die. The dead ones come back and since it is a wizard’s world that I am in, I don’t question them when they come back, but then, JKR does say they are not real. The dead that are dead are indeed dead. Even when they come back, they are happy and are not real. All the ends were tied up pretty neatly, except for a few which I guess could be filled up as after thoughts to the series. I remember reading somewhere, guess it was mugglenet, that JKR is coming up sometime later with an encyclopedia on the characters of the Harry Potter series or something like that, where she is going to talk about many other stuff that were left open or not closed, in detail. Just cannot wait to lay my hands on it. I read some lovely reviews and articles on HP in the last few days that I at times did feel too over whelmed with Harry Potter. Some of them, I couldn't read for I hadn't read the book yet. But feasted myself on Wednesday over those articles.

I am going to take some time off, read each one back to back in peace again and see if there are still any loose ends that I cannot connect. Its been a long time since I read the last ones and I do not remember Half-Blood Prince well let alone Chamber of Secrets or Prisoner of Azkaban.

After seeing the movies or what is I am not sure, I can hear the actors speaking for the characters when I was reading Deathly Hallows. Could it be that I had just seen the Order of Phoenix and this was an after effect of that?

**********SPOILERS AHEAD**********

Harry, Ron and Hermione roam all around England and eventually realize that one of the horcruxes could be Regalus Black’s-Sirius’s brother-locket. And somehow gain the confidence of Kreacher and he decides to help Harry with his tale on the locket. The legend of Hallows is good too. I like the way these 3 teen-ers actually go around thinking they can do stuff and how they struggle around, have arguments, fight with each other, how Ron quits and regrets quitting and eventually joins them again. I like the Doe thing.. Like Baradwaj Rangan says that reminded me too of the deer in Ramayana. But didn’t guess that it could be Snape’s patronus though. (One more reason, I need to read all the 7 at one go). Guess I liked that Snape was a good guy (could be the crush that I have for Alan Rickman makes me say that) but he is not all that good either. The shades of dark are still there in him. Making Dumbledore have dark shades also made sense. The way Harry says, ‘…but then he was our age’ was really good. The King’s Cross chapter I guess was JKR’s way of explaining why she let Dumbledore go free.

And above all, the battle scenes in Hogwarts does indeed fulfill the absence of Hogwarts in the initial chapters and it does so immensely. (Would love to see that in big screen. But then, none of the movies gave me the satisfaction that I get from reading the books.) Would have loved to see Umbridge getting kicked more. I really felt too sad when Bellatrix was hurting Hermione that it was so good to see Mrs. Weasely taking over Bellatrix and in what a fashion? Just too good. I could see the actors in my mind doing the duel against each other. (Another after effect of seeing Order of Phoenix). Felt bad that Lupin and Tonks had to go, after their brief time being married, but then with Harry being the godfather of little Teddy Lupin that was sure thing to happen. The kid has someone right. Still a bit sad. The worst was Dobby and Fred. I liked Dobby when I read the Chambers and more after seeing the movie. And I loved Fred and George right from Sorcerer’s Stone. Instead of Percy turning good and coming back, he could have died for Fred, if a Weasely has to die.

I liked the way Harry decides to go after the horcruxes and not hallows. The way he feels that for the first time that he has decided to not do something. That was indeed good. And after all that roaming around the way they were at Bill’s and Fleur’s made it feel like there were free in a house while they were in a sort of prison out in the wild. I liked that metaphor.

I just loved it when Neville drew the sword from the hat. That was one my favorite lines in the book. It was great to see Neville heading it at Hogwarts when Harry goes out to meet You-know-who all alone. I loved the way Neville's grandmom got involved and the way she was proud of her grandson. And one very favorite scene was the one where Ron pulls Harry out of the lake. And the way Harry is so happy to see Ron. A very poignant moment. I loved the way Hermione screams at Ron when he comes back and how Harry conjures a shield between them to protect Ron. Another one was when after Fred's death if I am sure, when Neville, Luna and Seamus (not sure if its Seamus or someone else) conjures up the patronus for them when the dementors come. That was another emotional moment for me.

The way, it an all out war was just too good. It was not some of them were huddled up home or caught somewhere. Everyone were out there trying to help Harry. That was one thing that I just revelled in when reading the book.

I enjoyed the epilogue. Kind of ended the whole thing where it started. Not actually, but sort of in a way. If there is one thing that was eeeks, Albus Serverus.. that was a bit hard to take. But I liked the way Harry tells him, 'You were named after 2 Hogwarts head masters and one of them was the bravest man I ever knew, and he was in Slytherin, so dont worry.' I really liked that. That's the reason we like Harry. Of course, I had to re-read the few lines to know who Hugo, Rose, James, Lily and Albus were. The best is Draco’s son Scorpius. What a name? Laughed a bit at reading that. And the animosity is still there where Hermione has to scream at Ron. I liked it where he says to Rose, ‘grandfather Weasely may not like it if you get married to a pureblood.’ Hilarious.

But in the end, there are so many questions that go unanswered. The Epilogue was indeed a long one, and anyways the book was close to 750 pages, a few more wouldn't have hurt. Some that are nagging me are:

How come Ron or Ginny missed giving Fred’s name to any of their kids?
George may have done that. And what is George doing?
Whatever happened to the Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes?
What happened to the map?
What are the death-eaters doing now?
What is Lucius and Narcissa doing now?
What is Draco doing for a living?
Who is in the Ministry?

There are still many more that I would like to ask. But then, Fred and George are my favorites. There were real darlings who gave such laughter when reading the book. I loved the way they give the map to Harry, the way they create those toffees and was not happy by the way they were cut off in the Goblet of Fire movie. (One more reason why the movies were not as satisfying as the books).

All said, I just loved reading it and am sure to do a reading of the whole series very soon. Thank you Rowling for an awesome read!

ps. I think, this has been my longest post ever to date :-)

Summa Adhiruthilla?

2007-07-20T11:22:00.000-05:00

I am not the kind that wastes a post on just giving a link to another post. My ego is not satisfied if I cannot have something written by myself on some junk. I know, thats madness, or being egoistical or you name whatever you want. But this link deserves a post all by itself.

I came across this post and followed what she says on her page. I suggest you do the same. I re-iterate, its a must do—what she says on her page.

Simply awesome.

Sivaji—Second Time

2007-07-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

I had been away from my blog for sometime again. But this time, I was not being lazy. Was really occupied with so many things, added to which I had a lot to write too, that I couldn’t put them all down without my brain (assuming I have one) not getting jammed. So had to take a short break before keying in my thoughts.

As said earlier, I did get to see Sivaji, and saw it twice I did. Yes, yes, and an emphatic yes. I did see it twice. Do I regret it? Nah, no way. I am too much a Rajni fan to regret it. Which actually means, I can enjoy any dabba movie churned out with Rajni in it on the TV, I did tolerate even Baba. Some of those dabba movies, even re-runs, but not Baba though. I cannot do that for any other actor. I can hear people saying I am being too biased… but what do I care. IMO, I think no other south Indian actor so much so, I could even say no other Indian actor has the charisma and screen presence that Rajni has.

Being a Rajni fan, enjoyed every bit of my experience of watching it for the first time, which was I think the 2 or the 3 show here in Dallas, and was thrilled watching it again with my dad last weekend. I was so excited when a re-run of the Tamil version came back very quickly (for they did do a re-run of the Telugu version earlier) and booked my tickets in advance for the 3 of us. (You can never take a chance with Rajni movie.) And man, I was right. Though it was screened in a smaller theater which could hold some 200 people, the hall was full. And there were still people, like who I think are watching it for at least their second time, like me and R.

OMG, it was still an exciting experience watching it for a second time. First of all, this was the second time, I see a Rajni movie within days of its release, with Chandramukhi being the first one but this is the first time I see it for a second time in a movie hall. It was very different kind of experience watching it with all those whistles and papers flying in the air. WOW. All my previous experiences of watching a Rajni movie was seeing it in a theatre in Madras, after some 2-3 months of it release, for only then, the crowd would have subsided. But being in Dallas, it felt okay to go for I know the crowd cannot get unruly for sure.

It really was an awesome experience. And as for my favorite song Adhiradee, it indeed was an adhiradee watching it on the big screen. But some how the first time when I watched the movie nothing got registered in me, except Rajni. Watching the movie the first time for me was more of watching Rajni on the big screen and hearing some jokes of Vivek. And nothing else. After being to the ARR concert, even now, when I think of Adhiradee song, I can visualize ARR in his white suit, doing a small jump on his heels yelling on top of his voice ‘Adhiradee Kaaran Machaan ga’. It really was euphoric. I still keep laughing over the way ARR was singing it. May be he was conscious of the crowd in front of him or what I cannot know, but it was like he was swaying to the music and the rhythm of the song in a very peculiar fashion. It was like he had these springs attached to the heel of his shoe or something and was getting a little lift from it. He kept repeating that particular action rhythmically for the whole song, and for any song that he sang for that matter. That’s the scene combined with his facial expressions that I can visualize when I hear the song. I still cannot remember the visuals of that song from the movie. It is ARR's picture that comes to my mind. There was this girl who was crooning to the female part of the lyrics and its her face I get when I listen to the songs even on the screen. Isn’t that funny?

Anyways, am not much of a movie fanatic, but would like not to miss any good ones. I am not a great fan of Shankar either. He keeps churning out the same stuff with very slight variations and keeps doing things in a grand scale and it sells. Otherwise I don’t see much in his movies. And the same holds good in this one too. There is absolutely no story. If you have seen one movie of Shankar, you can sort of guess the storyline for the rest of his movies. The object that can be projected grandly here for Shankar is Rajni and he has showcased it in all grandeur possible and Rajni is indeed awesome. It really is a treat for fans like me. Then you can imagine for the die-hard fans. And then there is Vivek. He is just brilliant. Guess this is the best of him that I have seen so far.

Actually when Shankar and Rajni teamed up and when I came to know that Rajni is an NRI from US, I was slightly worried for the way he can talk English. I did not want to spoil a Rajni movie watching experience because of yucky accent. Luckily, he talks less of English and what little he talks, he seems to have worked diligently on the accent. Added to that Shankar is not that great with his stories. So was a bit skeptical what if one of what could be Rajni’s last movie tanks. Luckily the whole team has helped us there and come up in giving us an experience that we never had before.

But whatever, it was joyous experience watching the movie the first time and the second time. Looks like I can still watch the movie again. Whatever, with no story nothing big like his old movies, Rajni can still evoke that Rajni charm and charisma and pull crowds. The movie is aptly named Sivaji, for its just Rajni, Rajni, Rajni all the way. One has to mention the ‘mottai’ Rajni. The walk he does coupled with his expression after getting down from the helicopter is absolutely fabulous.

An excellent treat for Rajni fans like me.

ARR in Dallas

2007-06-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

On Friday, it was the first event of the weekend — ARR’s Concert.

The show started 8.30 PM, though the tickets said, the show would start at 8.00 PM, to a huge collection of audience, with all the screams, whistles, clapping and to the various kinds of noises that they were capable of making. It started with Chitra singing Jaage Hain from Guru with the next one being KhalBali from Rang De. It was a treat, a neat one well packaged with a mix of both Hindi and Tamil songs, with a solo Telugu song being the Telugu version of Kurukku Siruthavalae from Mudhalvan.

It was an awesome ride, with some 4 songs from Sivaji The Boss with 2 being my favorites, Adhiradee and Save the Fight Da with Blaaze there singing his own Rap. It was total treat and the crowd went berserk in joy. Drums Shivamani another favorite of mine, gave a solo treat of his music for some 10 minutes. The team consisted of Blaaze who did the job of anchoring the show, with Chitra, Tanvi, Hariharan, ARR himself, Sadhana Sargam, Sukwinder Singh, a Rajasthani Folk Singer—whose name I don’t remember, Naresh Iyer, Madhushree, Vijay Yesudas and many others crooning away to the applause of a fully packed hall here in Dallas.

There were songs from Dilse, Rang De Basanti, Guru, Sapnay, Taal, Yuva, Lagaan and some more. The improvisations on Lagaan was really good. An improvisation by Sadhana Sargam was equally good. Somehow, I did not like the Sukwinder Singh on his Dilse improvisation. But I like the way he sang Ramta Jogi and its improvisation from Taal. That was really good. Then there were four songs from Sivaji, which I already mentioned. Guru came up next with some 4 and so did Rang De Basanti, with the secret of success from Boys and many more of which I lost count. This is what happens when you try to remember after a couple of days with another mega event happening in-between. Sivaji was the highlight of the evening, with every song making the audience scream in ecstasy.

But the last and the second last again were in my list of all time favorites which made me leave the show on a real high. The second last was Andha Arabi Kadaloram from Bombay and we all screamed our hearts out in that song, the whole hall came up alive, my god how we screamed, Humma Humma, that was really good. And the last was Vandemataram. It was rendered by everyone of the whole team to a hall that was standing in full ovation and screaming Vandemataram right along with the singers. One of my best moments ever.

All in all an awesome evening and being my first ARR concert it indeed was one of my evenings that I may not forget that easily.

Woooo Hoooo

2007-06-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

Am all set to go to two mega events... one today and another on Sunday.

I am going for my first music concert in a stadium. I have been music concerts before, the ones that happen inside halls, but this would my first one in a Open Air Theatre and its going to be the concert of AR Rahman. I have no words to say how mightily thrilled I am. I have been looking forward for this from late April, so this evening is one that I am going to remember for a long time.
I am going to see Sivaji - The Boss on Sunday with R and a couple of my friends. Too much to take in one weekend.

With two such events in quick succession, I just cannot contain myself. Its like, I have been literally on cloud 9 the whole of this week. In fact, I have postponed Pirates yet again (a story by itself for which I shall come up with a write-up in its whole entirety later) to next weekend. The weekend, it got released, I had to postpone seeing it, as I wanted to see 1 and 2 before seeing World's End. Then at last found the time to see both in one session last weekend. But then with this weekend being so filled up, I did not want to lose the joy of seeing Pirates. So it has gotten postponed again.

Post Script to Jaane Do Na

2007-06-11T16:55:00.000-05:00

My husband, the Illayaraja fanatic that he is did not get that mightily impressed as myself on Cheeni Kum and to my favorite Jaane Do Na, he said not only was it an imitation of the Tamil version as I had identified, but was actually from a Kannada song of which he had forgotten the lyrics. He said, that Illayaraja initially came up with that composition for Kannada and then used it for a tamil movie.

And last Friday when I did some blog jumping I read somewhere – as usual lost the source – that it was a song named Jotheyali Jothe Jotheyali from a Kannada movie named Geetha. As usual, I got to musicindiaonline.com and I now prefer that one. The orchestration in that is even better, especially the violin and the voices of both Janaki and SPB. But I still do like the Hindi version better to the Tamil one.

Anyways, so much over a song. And Cheeni Kum is still the ones that I am listening to. :)

ps. Yet to see the movie though.

Planting Flowers

2007-06-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, I had bought some beautiful Mexican flower pots from a local store here in Dallas. I found some time last evening to put them to use. It’s a lovely experience planting flowers. I had some bought from the home depot the previous weekend and I was going to put them all together.

So I set out with my potting mix, liquid fertilizer, the pots, the plants that need to be repotted and eventually, fill the two huge pots with the potting mix. I take the plants out from their small plastic make shift pots that were used at the store. Seeing the way the roots were circled around in a knot all cramped up in that small pot struggling to grow, made me feel sad for those plants. I tried prying into them to loosen up the roots and in the process, cutting a few here and there. Initially I felt sad that I was hurting them. Then I realized that they anyways need to be cut back, which actually would help them grow more in their bigger new pots.

I was basically preparing them to get adapted quickly into their new environment. I knew they were ready for the new pot. But were they sure about that themselves. That I was not sure about. Were they ready for that drastic change? That’s what made me think how we retaliate at times to the way things happen to us. When we undergo a change or cutting back on what we were used to, we always react to any situation by retaliating. But why can we just not think and accept that some one above us knows what He is doing and is doing something that actually prepares us for the next new something. It was a serene experience, getting those plants re-potted and watering them.

Thinking that I would be seeing them in their new pots today when I go home, makes me feel so happy and enthusiastic. Such small things makes me realize the greatness of the Almighty and yet at times the rational side of my brain makes me question His very existence. Why can I not just submit with no questions asked? I have been asking this question repeatedly and the answer is still eluding me.

Back in Action

2007-06-06T13:20:00.000-05:00

After a long time, I found time for my blog again. I feel like I have been away from this place for eons. With so many things happening around me, I had totally stayed away from this place. Let alone writing, I had no time to even visit my favorite ones.

The last week and this week had been a little better or may be, I had learnt to juggle things better or may be, I had become less lazy. I am not sure. But then I also realized that me being busy did not stop me from watching the favorite movies that I wanted to, from my usual hours of sleep, or from whiling away my time in front of the television. But it make me get away from doing some elaborate cooking, from walking and exercise, from feeling guilty when I end up eating junk food in the process of eating outside, postpone doing laundry, postpone getting things done around the house, postpone or miss calling on friends, postpone from even getting up from the bed every morning.

Agreed,

I was in a new job, which means I had to drive a distance of around 30 miles one way on a daily basis
I had to learn a lot of new stuff in this new place and
They had and still have a weird way of functioning as a team

But all that, I thought in a sudden burst of enlightenment, was an excuse to get away from chores that I had to do on a regular basis. Or to be more exact, for my laziness to happily creep on me. So I made up my mind that I am not going to be lazy anymore. I have decided to do some experimentation with myself.

Let me see if I can get more done in that short time.
Do a change of work when I feel exhausted with what I am doing.
Try to make and stick to the commitment that I do with exercising regularly – this is one thing that has been haunting me day in and day out.
Blog more regularly.

Blogging does make me feel nice. So why I am not doing it more… beats me.. But then, that’s me… the moron that I am :) Let me see how successful I am this time to get away from the clutches of lethargy.

Jaane Do Na

2007-06-06T12:54:00.000-05:00

Got to talk to a friend of mine yesterday after some 4-5 weeks. Actually, felt like talking after ages. Some people have that way to make you feel. Unfortunately, this one has that uncanny nature to make me feel that way at times. That’s besides the point of what I started to say.

Anyways, this friend of mine and I share very similar taste with reference to film music and we both like Illayaraja. Of late, I had been way too busy with so many things that I had missed doing so many things that I should be doing leave alone listening to the music of Cheeni Kum. When starting the conversation, my friend was like ‘Did you listen to the songs of Cheeni Kum, did you? Oh God, its way too good. You have to listen to Cheeni Kum. It does sound very familiar, but is awesome. Illayaraja is brilliant’ in a very exuberant fashion. Hearing that exuberance was when I realized what I had been missing all these weeks that made me feel like the weeks were ages. Now you know that you should be calling more often you moron… I am digressing again.

That’s when it struck me that the music was done by Illayaraja and that I had missed listening to it. I did know it was Illayaraja who composed for Chenni Kum for I remembered reading it long ago some where. So I went to musicindiaonline.com--my usual haunt for any kind of Indian music--and listened to the songs of Cheeni Kum today. Hmm, the music was not just good, I am so glad that I am listening to it at least today.

Funny, those songs were my favorites in Tamil and now, I have fallen in love with Jaane Do Na. It is an old tamil song composed with different instrumentation with Shreya Goshal singing it and with Sameer's lyrics, it is heavenly to listen to that number. Its been in my loop for the whole day.

I did remember that Baatein Hawa was Koozhal Oothum Kannanukku from Mella Thirandhadhu Kadhavu and Cheeni Kum and Sooni Sooni were both Mandram Vandha Thendralukku from Mouna Raagam, but some how I am not able to get the right tamil lyrics right for Jaane Do Na… but whatever, they might be repeats, but they do sound fresh and are lovely to hear. As always, Illayaraja is lovely and with Shreya Goshal its even more enjoyable in spite of the melodies being old numbers. Baatein Hawa in Shreya Goshal's voice with Amitabh talking a few words in-between is just too good.

Have not seen the movie yet.

ps. I just realized that Jaane Do Na is Vizhiyilae Mani Vizhiyil Mouna Mozhi Paesum Annam from Nooravadhu Naal but I feel that Jaane Do Na is way too good than the original. After listening to Shreya, I like the new version more than the old one. :)

Getting Disillusioned

2007-03-22T12:19:00.000-05:00

Long time ago, I had spoken about how expectation leads to disappointments. But some how after understanding the way disappointment is directly related to expectation, what is it in me that makes me expect? I do make a conscious effort not to expect. But eventually, end up expecting more.

I expect to be appreciated when I do something appreciable
I expect to be recognized when I do something recognizable
I expect a smile when I smile at someone
I expect a thank you when I do something for someone
I expect a please when someone wants me do something for them

What is it in me that makes me ask for these things? Am I expecting too much in life and in humans around me that I deserve the disappointments that I get when I do not receive them. Is it the ego in me wanting acceptance and appreciation at every walk of life?

But why is that some people just demand a lot from you, like it’s their birth right, but forget to even say a thanks in return, let alone returning the same demands that they have made? Beats me! I thought these were basic manners a person is supposed to have. Correct me if I am wrong. Being informal never meant, giving up being well mannered.

All this makes me realize one thing. Do not expect a human being to act like one, and if you act like a human being yourself, do not expect to be treated like one. Guess its one more lesson in my class of ‘Getting Disillusioned’. But am still not sure, if I have learnt it well this time :)

Senior Moments in Everyday Life

2007-02-07T12:30:00.000-06:00

I went back thrice inside the house after having locked the door to start to work the other day. My poor husband who generally gives me a ride to the station where I pick up my train to work was really exasperated. He is one person, who generally doesn’t forget the daily trivial things. And I am the kind who forgets those. I would be used to doing something daily and baam, one fine day, just forget doing it. Wouldn’t have even realized that I had forgotten it.

After marriage, the great researcher that R is, he said that I may be running low on sugar when I get into these bouts of forgetfulness. But with the sweet tooth that I have, I can never possibly be running low on sugar to have my senior moments. I have been having them from my school days. When I told him a couple of too standing out instances, he gave up on me. These days, I can see that he has learned to live with this woman, who at times can even forget her name if she is deeply lost somewhere in her thoughts.

Once during my 7th grade, I ended up going to the exam hall thinking I was taking English II. It was the half-yearly exam. And to my surprise, I receive a Math question paper to be answered. I ask my teacher, isn’t it English II today and she says, ‘no my dear it’s on the next day or the very next day.’ (I don’t remember what she said). The shock of receiving the Math paper to answer was indeed too much. What I cannot still believe is, there must have been people outside the hall with some math book or paper with trying to memorize formulae’s and stuff. How did I possibly miss it. I have no clue. But I get into answering and eventually gave the answer sheet and went home.

Now comes the part of answering my dad. He was indeed shocked. Until, now, it used to be forgetting home works, losing pens, slippers, and umbrellas. But this was like, having the exam time-table right in my school dairy, but still forgetting it and going prepared for another exam. That got him worried as to what was happening to the kid and waited till I received my mark sheet. The mark sheet had no change. The marks were in the usual 70s. May be one or two up or down.

Another similar instance in grade 10. For my public exam of 10th and 12th my dad followed my time-table. I did goof up again in my 11th grade. The best was when I goofed up in college. I went for my 3rd semester exams a day early, thinking we start our exams that day. I see a couple of my friends and ask them for the others, wondering why they are not around yet for the exam was going to start in another 20 minutes or so. I still remember the way, a friend of mine named Priya yelled at me. She was like, ‘what the hell are you doing here.’ And I go, that I am here for blah blah blah (the name of the paper that I think that was). At which she says, ‘why on earth do you want to insult us in front of juniors? We (as in the second years) do not start our 3rd semester exams until next week. It’s the arrears of our first semester that we (as in those who have arrears—no wonder most of my classmates are not around—) have come to attend today. So just go home.’

I had a very perplexed look still and went to the hall to check the time-table again. Look at the confidence in the goofing up that I do. She stopped talking to me for a month because of that. And when I go home early and tell this to my granny, she is totally perplexed. The whole family is perplexed as to how I can repeatedly do this. Thank goodness, I didn’t go a day or two later for my exams. If I had done that, I would ended up writing it as an arrear paper in my 5th semester.

It didn’t end there. My friends then started following the time table to me. And during my M.Phil days, my professors called me up to tell me to remind classes for we used to have classes some 2 or 3 days a week and I did forget to go to class once and they had shelved that class. It’s the arguments that I generate were interesting for the HOD that they did not want to have a class without me. Can you believe that. That did make my day. Ofcourse she did scream at me when I said that I had forgotten we had a class that day. I still remember the way a friend of mine cursed me for that. Later, she made it a practice to come home and pick me up before going. I have been really upset and tried a lot to keep myself aware. But have never succeeded.

It continues till this day, and with dad at home I forget to take the house keys too. That’s what I did the other day. The first time it was the keys, the second time it was my cell phone and the third time, it was my work card key. Luckily, dad was there to open the door. If not, I would have locked myself out with me locking and getting out of the house without the house keys one me. Not believing my story of forgetting the exam time-table, R got it confirmed from dad. And ever since, he has given up on me and my forgetfulness. Atleast he has stopped getting exasperated when I forget things.

Funny, how I do remember a lot of stuff. Everyone in the family trusts me for recipes. It just comes out of my head. But then, I do forget to switch off the stove at times which ends up in getting the food burnt. But only some days are that way. There are days when I am totally on my toes. I would end up remembering things that I would feel really weird about myself for remembering.

I have so much of post-its and reminders set at work. And somehow its funny that I have never forgotten anything crucial at work yet.

Having a Fight with your Better-Half

2007-02-01T12:52:00.000-06:00

I belong to kind that shuns confrontation. I discern ways to get out it.

I don’t know what it is with marriage; I always confront R. In fact, it is me who speaks up first most of the time. I remember the various instances when I have never bothered to voice what I think amidst friends. As I grew up, I learnt to voice it, but exercised it very rarely. With R, it’s always a burst. Like water gushing out of a reservoir.

Funny how we change in marriage. Or is it that this was the true self all along?

Nalladhor Veenai

2007-01-30T13:55:00.000-06:00

This has been a favorite of mine from my 6th or 7th grade. That was a time when I never seem to understand the song. But loved the way, it was rendered by SPB in K.B’s Varumaiyin Niram Sigappu. The combination of music and the voice were really catchy. Being one of the popular songs of Barathi, this one has been rendered by almost all of the leading singers. But some how, I like this one and the one rendered by Rajkumar Barathi in Ezhavadhu Manidhan the best.

You can also listen to many others if you do a search on Music India Online under S on this page. They have some 3 entries with different spellings for Barathi.

But as years passed and as I started seeing life as it was, some of Barathi’s songs did make me feel better at those moments, when I had felt really down in life. They have taken care to help me bounce back to enthusiasm. They have made me believe that things can be achieved. Helped me to believe in God.

In this particular song the poet portrays a mood where he is very depressed. He is not seeing things go the way he wants it. He has been trying hard and the world does not seem to allow him to go the way he wants. As usual he does the same thing that he does always. Turns to his only solace Sivasakthi or Sakthi as he sometimes calls her. His Mother, God, the Life Giver, his Goddess. He believes in this all pervading energy called Sakthi and is happy at her feet, wanting to keep singing her praises always.

But with so many needs in this life to just make an ordinary living, we get to feel defeated so many times. It’s the soul’s lament not to feel defeated. That’s how I look at this song.

The poet is asking his Sakthi, if she will let him to rot, after having given him everything in the form of raw material. Is it not her duty to take care of the seed sown? That’s crux of this song.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Nalladhor Veenai Seidhey Adhai Nalan Keda Puzhudhiyil Erivadhundo?
Solladi Sivasakthi, Ennai Sudar migum arivudan Padaithu Vittai.
Vallamai Thaarayo, indha maanilam payanura vaazhvadharke?
Solladi Sivasakthi, Nila sumaiyena vaazhndhida puriguvaiyo?

Tell me O’ Sivasakthi, will one throw away into trash—a perfectly crafted musical instrument?
You have created me excellently well with a great wisdom.
Tell me O’ Sivasakthi, will You not give me the strength and power—
To be of any value to Mother Earth or will You let me be a burden on this land?

Visaiyuru bandhinai pol ullam vendiya padi sellum udal ketten
Nasaiaru manam ketten, Nitham navam ena sudar tharum uyir ketten
Dhasaiyinai Thee Sudinum, Sivasakthiyai paadum naal Agam Ketten
Asaivaru Madhi Ketten, Ivai Arulvadhil unnkkedhum thadai ulladho?

All I ask for is—
A body that would obey the commands of my heart—with the swiftness of a thrown ball;
A clean enthusiastic spirit;
A life that springs anew into being daily: bright and energetic;
A pure soul—to sing Your praises even when the skin is scorched by fire;
An unshakable mind—
Do You have any issues in granting me these?

I ask, you write—13 (2)

2007-01-29T14:48:00.000-06:00

This is in response to Ammani's I ask, you write -13

When you walked in through their door, you found them both on their hands and knees searching the floor for something. I guess you know what had happened.

On hearing the door bell ring, 7 year old Arun with suppressed laughter gets up. “Divya, hope it is not amma. If it is you are gone. You better find it and wear it before she comes. It cannot be amma. It is not 6.00 pm yet. But if she is early, you are caught.” So saying, he goes to open the door. It was their dad, Krishnan. Arun yells to his granny inside, “Paati, appa is here” and goes back to assist Divya in her search.

Seeing them both on their hands and knees searching the floor, Krishnan knows what they are looking for. “Akka lost her screw appa. Paati does not know yet”, bursts out Arun. He cannot contain himself any longer. This was his chance to be the no mischief kid. “So you did forget to check the screw on the gold ear-ring and lost it around or is it that you dropped it when wearing it?” asks Krishnan in a stiff voice. “Oh appa! Please. I had oil bath today. Had removed it and was trying to wear it myself a few minutes back, when I was standing and wearing it and the back screw just slipped my hand. I am sorry appa, will be careful next time, I promise. Please appa, search it for me. Please before amma could come and create a racket about it” pleaded the 10 year old Divya.

Krishnan was in a way happy to see Divya serious about her mistake. Arun was the real brother now, not fighting and searching for her. He knows the consequence of loosing an heirloom like that. What kind of wrath will Divya be in at his mom’s hands. He had witnessed something of that sort not very long ago. Divya did have an uncanny nature of always dropping things and never serious about it. She is a real kid with all the carelessness of a kid but has always liked wearing jewels much to the dismay of her dad. But being a girl child of a South-Indian Brahmin family, her interest in wearing jewelry was a welcome. The screw in question of this particular ear-ring was auspicious to wear according to her granny and amma. It has been a family heirloom. If only they knew that Divya has dropped it somewhere and is searching for it would mean so much of bad luck to both of them and the poor kid would be in big trouble. Reflecting thus, and seeing them both search, he saw that there was 20 minutes more for Prema to come from office.

“Amma, I am in the children’s room with Divya and Arun. Give me the coffee here.” So saying, he went on his hands and knees and started searching with them for the ear-ring screw.

I ask, you write—15 (1)

2007-01-22T10:52:00.000-06:00

My first attempt to Ammani's I ask, you write series. This is in response to I ask, you write 15.

“She was born in 1940. The second of five children born to Vedaranyam Sesadri and Rajalakshmi ammal. She passed away after a brief illness in November 2006. How will Jagada be remembered?”

Meena and Shankar woke to the constant ringing of the phone. Shankar picked up the ringing phone from the dresser and left the bedroom. With the return of silence, Meena pulls up the quilt and looks at the clock to see its just 5.50 am. “Who would be calling at such an odd hour?” So thinking, still groggy from sleep she tries to go back to sleep. Strangely, deep down in her heart, it was something she had expected. Shankar comes back in a few minutes and lies down.

“Meenu, are you awake?” Still hazy, she goes “hmm…?” Somehow, Meena seems to know that Shankar has something not so nice to tell her. “Your mom, passed away a few hours back in India.” “What?” says Meena springing up in the bed, “We spoke to her last night and she did sound fine?” As if to get a confirmation from Shankar, she goes “didn’t she?” Shankar, getting up, equally upset with the news, “it was your brother from Singapore. She has had a cardiac arrest. Your dad had reached him. He called from the airport checking for flights to Madras. I will go make some tea for us. We can think what to do and check out available flights in sometime.” So saying he goes to make the tea.

Meena, still in a state of shock, goes back in time to what lead to her mom’s demise. It was the accident in May on her way back from the temple that made her bedridden in hospital for almost 6 months and eventually took her away from this world in the name of cardiac arrest.

Jagada was never a mom for Meena. Jagada was more of an elder sister, always an equal making Meena, excel in what she was doing. All along, Meena and Jagada have always fought with each other. Like how two sisters would fight with each other. Meena had a tough time as a kid with Jagada as her mother. There was never a dull moment in the family with Meena’s dad and granny always to her rescue. Jagada was another kid in the family with Meena and her brother.

Oh, how much Meena has started understanding her mother after marriage in the last 3 years. She hasn’t been able communicate it all in the few stolen moments of phone calls across continents. The last she had seen her mom was at the airport waving her hand happily seeing Meena going in, to join Shankar in Seattle after her marriage.

Thinking all this, unaware, Meena started crying. She got up thinking that she should call her brother and tell him to go ahead with the ceremony and not wait for her. She would join eventually by the 4th or 5th day. She did not want to see mom. It was more comforting remembering the mom who was waving her hand at Meena.

Rain

2007-01-18T15:56:00.000-06:00

Been listening to songs from Guru for sometime now. Listening to Barso Re from Guru in a loop the last few days. Should be more than a week. Sometimes I get hooked up to a particular song and keep listening to it like no other song exists in this world.

Barso Re makes me go back in time to the rain songs of Raja. To the late 80’s and early 90’s. To getting wet in the rain during college days when granma was around. To coming home drenched to a hot cup of coffee or bournvita. To the hot onion pakodas and bajjis made by granma. To the smell of all these welcoming you when you come home. To the hot water waiting for me to wash myself after that eventful ride in PTC. To Granny waiting with all these eagerly for me.

It rained hard during the weekend here in Dallas. I did get wet on Friday. Me and R had Mexican food at our favorite place straight from work. Went home wet. Took a hot shower. Missed the smell of coffee or choclate. Missed the presence of elders in the house. So many things change with age, time, and place.

It was cold winter rain. Not the cool rain of the monsoon. I sometimes miss that. More so when I listen to songs like these.

ps. Yet to see Guru.

Growing Old?

2007-01-11T14:22:00.001-06:00

Looking at a building getting demolished and re-constructed can leave you with mixed feelings. And if it happens to be your childhood home you might feel a part of you is lost. The house in question had so much of memories attached to it. Knowing that you wouldn’t see the same building again in the street makes you realize again that change is inevitable.

One fine day, I had to leave that building which was my home for more than 22 years to join R. After a couple of years and some major events in life, when I went back and saw this new building in the place of that old one, I did feel I have lost a part of me. I felt old. The whole place was changed. All my neighbors have left the place too.

Growing up is really hard, be it at any age.

Meeting a Friend

2007-01-10T14:24:00.000-06:00

Sitting across a table and talking to a friend like good old times, is something always nice. I had a friend visiting Dallas and did lunch. The way we spoke about everything under earth, about R, about politics, about my friend’s B, about what this guy is up to or that gal is up to these days.. And so on and so forth. The general nothings, but still so pregnant conversations. The catching up of 5 years.

It’s always lovely to meet a friend. More so after a gap. All the more when it happens in-between a busy day, when you get to steal an hour to enjoy it with your friend. An hour well spent.

Losing a Loved One

2007-01-09T11:55:00.000-06:00

A colleague’s father breathed his last, last night. He had been struggling for some months now, so its not very painful to know that she is not going to have her father around anymore. These days; I keep hearing such stuff a lot. Makes me realize that I am growing old. People in my circle are growing old and their parents in turn are growing old. I am not scared of death. It’s something that makes your realize that this life on earth is not going to last an eternity and one day your turn will come. I guess, handling the turn when your loved ones are taken away from you is more painful than that of your end. I cannot say that for sure yet, for I did struggle to come to terms when I lost my loved ones and havent seen mine yet. Especially my granny. I lost her even before she could breathe her last and that really hurt me a lot. This news being the first thing that I heard when I came in today, made me go down memory lane.

The worst part is the void you feel when you know you do not have that person in flesh and blood around you. It’s that void that is way too unsettling to take in. And having her in flesh and blood and you still cannot reach her for she is not available to you in worldly terms is painful. The most is when you see her in pain. Hopefully, all that is gone once the soul leaves the body.

May his soul rest in peace.

WHY?

2007-01-04T15:59:00.001-06:00

This article made me write this. First it was the Gaziabad Ashram, then it was a small dalit girl paying her fingers as price for a bunch of spinach, then the Noida killings, and now this. What is wrong with man? This particular post, left me all queasy inside. How can people be so heartless? And to realize that all this is happening around me makes me feel totally depressed. With civilization supposedly at its peak, there is violence everywhere around us. Why? How can man commit such heinous crimes against his brethren? Everywhere around us, we see violence. Where are we going? WHY?

How is 2007 coming along?

2007-01-03T11:14:00.000-06:00

With 2006 officially left behind, we start hearing the question, so how is 2007 coming along? Or it is sometimes, how do you like 2007 so far? I find it funny to answer. Every day is a new year by itself. So I do not understand this silly question of how do you find 2007.

For official reasons, financial reasons, for academic reasons, for agricultural reasons and for so many such reasons, I see the need for marking a day as a beginning of the year. It may be like any important day of the year, which serves as a marking for any reason. It could be the equivalent of the equinox for example. But why do we attach so much of importance to this marker than the rest.

On the lighter side of it, I do enjoy the holidays that comes along with it. The feel of the holiday season is always a welcome. Right from my school days, I have been trained to have holidays during this season and during my school days it used to be Christmas holidays or as we used to call it, half-yearly holidays. There was a quarterly holidays too. Alias Pooja holidays for a week to 10 days. The half-yearly holidays were longer. They used to go for more than 10 days and not more than 15.

Those days were fun. Playing around, reading Amar Chitra Katha, Tinkle, Chandamama and the like. With granny preparing many different things to eat. Also, with the many holidays coming in, mom and dad used to be at home. They were mostly fun but for the times when me and brother used to have a fight and sulk around for sometime. But thinking back even that was fun. More than the New Year concept, it used to the fun of the whole family together that made them special. Guess that’s what makes such holidays fun and makes us get nostalgic at times like this.

As we grow up we start asking a lot of questions and the novelty of many things in life is lost. Once the television came in, it started having programs for the New Year’s Eve. It used to be an attraction for a couple of years. That’s the first time, I heard that term, and I remember asking my teacher what it means. But I still haven’t grasped the feel of what is so important about it to go about making such a big racket on account of it. There can be so many eve(s) that we can follow as a tradition where we can have the same racket.

One thing that I have understood over the years, people need some reason to freak out and enjoy. They just cannot enjoy for the very sake of enjoying. And I haven’t still understood why. One thing I have come to dislike over the years are those programs that these different channels churn out to hold their audience during such festive times. Eeeks… they just gobble up the time without you being aware that they have taken your time off.

As a resolution, I have decided not to watch too much TV this year. As it is I watch less and I am going to refrain from watching even that little and use that time to do more reading. Let me see how it goes. That way if someone asks me around March as to how is 2007 coming along, I would have something different to answer too. I might even look forward to someone asking me such a question.

Acham Illai

2007-01-02T13:13:00.000-06:00

This is a one of the many favorites again. This one is on the FEAR that ends up engulfing us many times due to many reasons. Every time, I listen to it, I wonder what would have propelled the poet to come up with a song like this. I always question the mind set, that he must have had when he came up with the lyrics. Wondering at all these makes me pay repeated salutes to the Mahakavi.

The poet is not very happy in his personal life.
He is not happy with the way India is still under the British rule.
He is not understood by many and is not bothered about it.
He is been accused of causing disturbances among people and is searched by the police for coming up with songs and writings favoring the Freedom Movement.
Not wanting to land up in the Jail, he has been repeatedly running away to Pondicherry.

With so much happening in his life, I am not sure when he wrote this poem. But the way he had written it is surely sometime, when he must have let himself to fear for some brief moments or when some one must have really tried to create fear in him. Or it could even be, seeing the fear in people’s eyes around him as a result of the British rule, he might have sung it to make people get out the fear and go ahead with their duty and believe in themselves.

What I like most about the song is with all the serious stuff, he has also added young women casting their eyes upon him. That is where he talks about diversion. You can find so many different layers of meaning into the song. Just go ahead in your path and eventually you will be where you want to be. Have no fear. That is how I take this song for me. Whatever this song has a way of making you feel confident in doing your stuff after listening to it and has been a favorite of mine right from my 2nd grade or 3rd grade.

The refrain Acham Illai has a nice ring to it and SPB would have sung it beautifully in the movie called Ezhavadhu Manithan. L. Vaidhiyanathan had a very different way of composing music for the same. One of my favorite rendition of the song.

You can hear all the songs from the movie Ezhavadhu Manithan here. It also has the above said one. Lyrics for all the songs in that movie were Mahakavi’s.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye
Ichagathullor ellam edhirthu nindra podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!
Let the whole world turn against and confront me;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Thuchamaga enni nammai thooru seidha podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I am treated as dust and be abused
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Pichai vaangi unnum vaazhkai petru vitta podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I have to beg for food;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Ichai konda porul ellam ezhandhu vitta podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I have lost all that is close to my heart;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Kachanidha Kongai Maadhar Kangal Veesum Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let young beautiful women cast their eyes on me;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Nachai Vayile Konarndhu Nanbar Ootum Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let a friend feed me poison;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Pachai Yuniyaindha Verpadaigal Vandha Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let an army come clad in their military uniform;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Uchi meedhu vaan idindhu veezhugindra podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let the sky come crumbling down on my head;
I still have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Looking back at 2006

2006-12-27T13:40:00.000-06:00

The last few years of my life have been struggling hard to make me grow up; but the whiny that I am, am not ready to grow up no matter what. My brother used to quote a quote always—author unknown—that ‘insecurity and pain is inherent in growth.’ This particular quote he has to say for anything and everything I do; for I was one late bloomer in everything in my life. Don’t get me wrong that I have been dumb. I was always late in doing anything in life in general. Now do not get me wrong. I have had my happy moments and am at peace with myself when I doing this flashback today. But I have this knack to shut myself from any kind of unhappiness that might come my way. I could be called an escapist. I try to get away from that situation, mentally, and just live in a happy time or space that I want to be in. Physically, I always confront—need to look brave to my own eyes you see—but mentally, somehow, I find a route to escape. Sometimes its friends, sometimes its books, sometimes its music, sometimes its movies, sometimes it’s a new course—not necessarily in the same order—and so on and so forth.

But 2005 and 2006 were like—no matter how much you try to find a route—we are not going to let you escape this time. This time my buddy you gotta make your attempt to grow. (Dunno if I grew, but couldn’t escape a lot of events that happened, and eventually haven’t come to terms with some yet).

2006 started on a very unhappy note for me. Actually 2005 was a mixed year that left its traces really hard on 2006.

Mom met with an accident in May 2005.
Granny passed away in June 2005 after being bedridden for more than 43 months.
We became permanent residents in July 2005.
Mom passed away in November 2005.

Those were the major events of 2005. One of that was responsible for me being in India—in Trishur—when 2006 dawned. It was just me and my dad in Trishur in that lovely house which we both enjoyed like anything. I still miss that place and the house and the lovely time that I had with my dad.

January and February went away in traveling. R made a visit to India when I was there. Stayed with me and Dad in Trishur. Those times were good. The visit to our native temple in N was the icing on the cake. It was one of the festive times, being Thai Maasam, and we were lucky to have lunch at the temple. That is something that R will never forget in his life. Neither can I or dad. Infact it was the first time that dad has had food at the temple. It was really good. And we just enjoyed the whole day except for the part of missing mom. She is the one who would have gotten all excited about the whole thing.

But by now, I am in my escape mode and was reading a lot during this time. It was during those days, that I got hooked up to watching Malayalam movies once again. [I am enjoying it so much again these days after my visit to India. I bought some VCDs from the Music World. :)] Saw a lot of movies, kept talking with dad, took some long walks with him in Trishur. Visited temples and some how tryied to stay away from the reality that mom is not around.

February, I came back to Dallas feeling as miserable as I could, leaving my dad to be all alone all by himself. It used to eat me a lot and upset me quite sometimes thinking how he is handling the whole stuff. And then at times, I thought of my brother as to how he is handling it. None of the phone calls ever made to him or my dad made me come to terms with myself. After a phone call to my brother, I end up even more upset realizing that he is equally as upset as me, but is just trying to just ignore it and accept it in his own way.

For a few weeks after return, I had bad health, and when returning, I lost my luggage and at last felt funny and awkward when I reached Dallas. And poor R was a real support during these times. But for him, I would have ended up being more miserable than what I was.

By March, I had to travel again. [Looked like at last God did give me a signal that mentally escaping from situations were cool.] So there I was making new friends and getting to do some work after 2 years of break. Initially was scared that I might not remember any of what I have done. But eventually, I got going and was happy with myself. Being in this new job meant that I stay away from R for sometime. Of course we ended up visiting during weekends, but it was sorta hectic.

Looking back at it now, it was fun with all the sadness in it for my mom would have been really happy to know that I started working again. And above all, it took away everything from my mind for sometime with me and R meeting each other over the weekends, so it was a new place, new people and new lifestyle for a couple of months. Made some new friends who still are in contact even after me leaving that city. Feels good when I say that. :) Funny as we grow old, it becomes more difficult to make friends and stay in constant touch with them. Age has something to do with being open to accept people as they are.

June came and it was one year since my granny had passed away. My granny was one person who molded me to what I am today. She was a very loveable personality. We all feel bad that we did not feel the pain of her demise for she was bedridden for almost close to 4 years. After a few months of her being bedridden, we realized that we had lost her. Its only a matter of time before she breathes her last. That pain of losing her was felt a long time ago so much so that when she passed away it was not that painful. What with mom’s accident a month earlier to granny's demise, we sort of forgot granny for a few days when my mom’s condition was critical. Remembering all that made me so guilty and heavy for so many days and at times tried talking to her like she was around.

So eventually with all that done, dad felt a little at terms with himself and decided to visit my brother abroad. That was a mighty step that we made dad take at last. An achievement for the two of us (me and my brother).

And so went July and August. And September made me remember mom and my parents wedding day propelled me to start logging at blogspot. Writing that day did ease my heart a lot and that’s when I made up mind that I am going to write more. I haven’t been able to do that consistently due to both busy-ness and lazy-ness. But honestly, I have been really busy the last few months. But whatever little I had written, has made me feel good. With that came the habit of reading so many web logs. As of now, am still enjoying it. Guess this is the escape this time. Whatever, the end taste that it leaves is good. So until the time I am enjoying it guess I would continue doing it.

Came October and I was all set to go for my mom’s anniversary. I couldn’t believe that it had been a year. And what a hectic schedule in life it was. For 3 weeks of stay with my dad and brother, I literally had wheels in my feet before the trip to complete things here and time just vanished like anything there… 3 weeks went away like 3 days. But anyways, I documented all that was required for future reference and think I did everything well so that my mom’s spirit would have reached the place that is supposed to be. (Although I am skeptic about all this, she believed it so blindly, so couldn’t help not doing it. It was like, she was there asking me why am I not doing it for her.) One good thing out of the whole stuff is, I know how to tie madisaar now without any help from anyone. WOO HOO! What an achievement! Both my granny and my mom would have been very proud to know that I can tie it all by myself.

There was one lovely thing of this whole India trip. Got to spend some quality time with my brother and got to meet a couple friends who mean the world to me. It had been almost 5 years since I spent some quality time with my brother and meeting those friends were equally next to impossible for my kind of life-style and their do not match. Added to this, you can add the difference of place and time. So that was really a lucky time for all of us to be able to meet one another. That one week when I was able to think that I have gone back to my college days, with my dad and brother around at the same time and my friends who mean the most to me, I was really as close to heaven as I could be. And this time, we were able to visit Thirupathi. My... that place does have a way of making you feel content and calm inspite of all the buzzing activity around you. Life seemed blessed then.

November I am back in Dallas trying to get back in routine. But not without struggle though. What an eventful return flight it was. Anyways was back in Dallas and tried assimilating a lot of stuff. This year was indeed a roller coaster ride for me. There were real real highs and deep lows. But things have been that way from 2000. But something was at peace this year within me that I am unable to explain. I have never felt this all these years but I can now, with 2006 coming to a close. Dunno if its because I started this logging, or its because I know that I did all that I could do for mom, the way she wanted, or is it that I was able to meet and be with people who mean the most to me during this year.

Or is it that I am happy with myself and am at last learning to grow and accept the truth that there has to be pain and insecurity when growing… so just accept it and move ahead! There are times when it hurts to realize that you understand you mother better after marriage. It hurts more when you realize there is no way to communicate it to her to make her understand how much you love her. But then there are times that make me think, well if she were around she may not be happy to depend on someone after the accident. So God decided what was best for her and the family. Seeing her struggle would have been more painful for all of us. Oh yeah! We do not want that for her. We did see granny struggle.

Whatever, with the year coming to a close, I some how feel that I have grown old and I do not like it. I just wish I could get back to my teens and feel secure in the arms of my granny and have a chat in the terrace with my dad, brother and friends, with my mom and granny waiting on us down below. Ofcourse mom was busy watching TV and granny was keeping herself busy with something or the other or it would be the two of them in a conversation. If only I could turn back time?

ps. When turning time back, is there a way to take R back with me?

Kireedom—Mohanlal (VCD)

2006-12-26T14:12:00.000-06:00

During the last 3 odd days of leave, I saw Kireedom, a Malayalam movie starring Mohanlal, Parvathy and many others. These days, I have become a major fan of Mohanlal. Not that I haven’t been earlier. But you could say, I am reviving that old spirit of seeing movies that I had during my college days :-)

What captivated me was the characterization of Sethu done my Mohanlal. He had bagged a national award for the same. He brings out the portrayal of a veetukku adangina pillai, whose life goes hayway and he is not in control of it. In the process, his parents misunderstand him, he loses his sweet heart. And the way he performs is just too good. Every bit that is required but not a pinch more or a pinch less. Just what is needed to bring Sethu alive. And I still have Sethu in front of my mental eyes after 3 days of watching it. Excellent movie indeed. Everyone has performed well. But then Mohanlal was Sethu himself.

Ninnai Charanadaindhen

2006-12-20T11:07:00.000-06:00

This is my all time favorite of our brave poet. The heart feels so defeated after making its regular pursuit in search of wealth, fame and all the goodness of life. The heart is so disappointed in its failures and is not sure if it would succeed.

It is tired and is not happy with the world it see around with the whole world in pursuit of material pleasures with no love for each other. And yearns to submit totally to just enjoy the bliss of being and doing every action as a direction from the all pervading One!

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannama,
Ninnai Charanadaindhen

I submit unto You Kannama,
I submit unto You!

Ponnai Uyarvai Pugazhai Virumbidum,
Ennai Kavalaigal Thinna Dhagathendru

Bless me that I would not end up being eaten up with worries and strife
In this worldly pursuit of material wealth, fame and betterment of life.

Midimayum Achamum Mevi En Nenjil
Kudimai Pugundhana Kondravai Pokkendru

Chaos and fear have taken abode in my heart
Pushing me down, that I do not achieve greatness.

Than Seyal Enni Thavipadhu Theerndhingu,
Nin Seyal Seithu Niravu Perum Vannam

Bless me, that I would stop worrying—About
My actions and perform my every action,
Believing them to be your direction—and
In that process let me attain completion.

And now the soul has submitted. It is so happy that it has submitted. The soul is please with everything around it. It is rejoicing in its submission—

Thunbam Ini Illai Sorvillai Thorpillai,
Anbu Neriyil Arangal Valartheeda

There is no more pain, being tired or any more failures—So
Come, let us build Karma in the name of Love.

Nalladhu Theeyadhu Naam Ariyom Annai
Nalladhu Nattuga Themaiyai Ottuga

O Mother! We know not what is right from wrong—we are just doing,
Please remove the wrongs and the let the goodness prevail.

Expecations and Disappointments???

2006-12-19T17:01:00.000-06:00

One of the major stand points of Buddha was that desire is the root cause of all misery. He asked man to despise desire if he wanted to get away from misery.

Me humbly thinks expectation would fit in very well for desire. And say, expecation is the root cause of all disappointments.

There is so much that can be answered in life if we could only understand expectation. I read somewhere about the cause and effect stuff that seems to be ruling everything in this world. That can be equated very well to expectation and the result of an expectation. When the result suits us, we are so thrilled and happy about it. But otherwise, we end up being down in the dumps.

It all starts with an unusual thing happening some day. Then the same thing happens another day, and then another day in quick succession. It could be anything from someone saying a HI to your husband buying you flowers on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. And eventually, having had that happen a couple of times too often, the next step is to look forward to it. And oops ... there comes a day when you are forgotten (or for some genuine reason) and the Hi or the flowers do not come your way. You are down in the dumps and get angry at the one who hasn’t delivered the Hi or the flowers.

But tell me, is it fair on our part to get angry? Of course we have returned the Hi and said thanks when receiving something. I didn’t ask him/her to tell me a Hi or get me flowers. I am not that uncultured not thank or return the Hi. But then, was it right on my part, in the first place, to get angry at that person who hasn’t delivered at that time? Wasn’t it my expectation that had the bruises? Is it not me who is responsible for letting it take over me? Eventually sometimes we do communicate our anger. With all the ifs and buts and what nots. But there are some instances where we do not and keep holding a grudge.

That was just an example of straight-forward expectation. But in real life, there are so many instances which unfortunately are not straight-forward. There is so much of stuff that we take for granted in this world and expect it in a cultured conversation for we are living in a civilized world. But the irony is does it exist? (I mean the civilized world and the cultured conversation—is it not still a world only the fittest survives and did we not learn when we were kids that, that was the law of the jungle—please correct me if I am wrong) Why do I expect someone to understand and behave like a civilized human being?

Just because I think I am living in a civilized world does not necessarily mean the opposite party has to think the same and display civilized behavior. What exactly is a civilized behavior? Who defines it? And does this person who interacts with me follow the same definition as mine. For if not, we are bound to cross boundaries and eventually end up have a rough phase in our relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship or whatever it is. The same can be applied to any community. Be it real world or virtual.

I had thought I had mastered to be away from that mode of expecting after all the depressing times that I have had way back in life. But unfortunately, or is it fortunate for to expect is also to be hopeful and being hopeful is good. (Again, someone correct me if I am wrong, that was what I was taught in school, but then, these days I am unlearning a lot of things that I learnt as a child—so I may be wrong again) I realized only yesterday that I am not yet above that.

These days it’s a different kinda expectation. When I log into e bloggler, looking for any comments, for the last few days I have been receiving at least one. And I have stared looking forward to it now. That’s when I realized that I could fall into the rut of expecting very soon. So to remind myself what could happen when I start expecting, I realized let me refresh my memory of the disappointments associated with expectations.

They really go hand in hand. Some of us get depressed with disappointments, while some go raving and ranting, while some have learnt to just brush it and go forward. How I envy them. I am the first kind and eventually read a book to get out of it.

Now, now, now, writing on this topic doesn’t mean that I am disappointed and depressed about something. Neither does it mean I have grown out of the mode of expecting. I am just happy at this moment in life, thanking God for this wonderful life that I am living with all that I have and also with all that I do not have. Thanks Aanju! Thanks a lot!

ps. Aanju—means Aanjaneyar in my dictionary :)

should I blog under an assumed identity?

2006-12-15T13:50:00.000-06:00

I came across some posts where people seem to have either an issue of identity crisis or an issue with anonymous comments. It was this exchange between Premalatha and myself that propelled me to write this post.

Although there a lot of common ground issues in both of these posts, they are essentially two different things all together.

Scenario One: The writer is an anonymous writer who chooses not to divulge his/her true identity but assumes another one and maintains both of them seperately. S/he writes under a pseudonym.

Are we really anonymous when we decide to retain a particular pseudonym? I do not think so for in this case it’s just that the author happens to have an assumed name. S/he is not anonymous. So as in the case of The Visitor, s/he is not anonymous. Just uses another pseudonym and is not known in his/her real identity to the real world. I see a lot of uses in this.

There is no information about me in the net…WOW I am non-traceable
I can reveal what I want to and how much I want to through my posts
As the visitor says, there is no baggage information attached with the post for the reader to presume a stand in the first place.
Enables the author to express more freely
The created anonymity helps when trying to express opinions on topics that are bound to create ripples.

I would not be judged when I voice it out, for the reader does not have any baggage information about me. I many times wonder if I should do that myself—write under a pseudonym. Would like to try out and see if that helps me to express myself better.

There are so many different things that bind each one of us from voicing ourselves exactly how we feel and be as honest as we would want ourselves to be. Most of us would never go to discussing controversial topics just because, we might end up hurting someone or end up losing a friend and so on and so forth. But there are times when there is confusion as to who you really are for yourself, when using a pseudonym. You have one that is your virtual identity and another one which is that of your real life. They both are bound to cross boundaries after a period of time. It depends on how much can you handle. As long as you are happy and comfortable I guess it should work.

Look at me yakking away.. but I am unable to decide for myself if I want a virtual identity I am not sure.. may be... not yet.. but then, my blog is hardly visited so its easy for me retain my personality for blogging or is it that I am shying off controversial topics, honestly no answer yet…

Scenario Two: The one who leaves comments in the page of the original writer is anonymous who chooses not to divulge his identity (any, be it real life or virtual) but assumes ‘a holier than thou’ moral stand and passes a judgment.

In this scenario, as long as the commenter agrees with the writer, there is no issue. Its only when s/he ends up putting a comment, and not divulging his/her identity that all hell breaks loose. You know what happens in this case—it could actually be one the writes known people who are scared to come up with open comments on the work and they have to voice their opinion but be invisible about it. I say, I wouldn’t like that either. But then, again, excepting deleting unwanted comment, we cannot do much about it.

Its like, the shop is open, and so we do not have a choice in the kind of people who come to shop. We can, may be refrain from selling from some people. But, even that is illegal in the real terms of doing it. This scenario is close to a helpless scenario if the comment is for one of our rants. As it is we have had a tough time and are upset about something and we are just using our notice board to express why we dislike it. Not enough of that, someone has to give a contradicting opinion and above all not leave a name for us to give them a reply. How are we to know that that anonymous person visited the page again and read our reply? ARGH! How very irritating. These commentators are the cowards. They are scared to have their name associated with their names. But there are some positive commentators out there who would like to remain anonymous too. They just choose not to have a face. I cannot say that they are cowards. But still there is some amount of cowardice in that too.

Whatever, in both scenarios the author wants not to be identified. But I somehow approve of the earlier case and not the latter. But then, again, as I had said in my comment on Premalatha’s post, I most of the times am the passive kind. I some how hate confrontations. I shy away from it. I know I am not being honest in the process but I cannot do the sweet talk either. The people I confront are the ones I love and I care about. So most of the times when they do not hear my opinion it is because, I don’t want to give a disagreeing remark to someone (about something), who cannot handle that remark and start an argument. When actually, I wouldn’t be interested in even letting them know what I think. For that’s the taste such arguments let me be with at the end of it all. Not worth it.

Been there, lost a few friends and learnt from it all. I don’t care much these days except for the few chosen ones who can tolerate me and accept me as I am. They were meant to go one day or the other, its just that this was the cause they chose. They weren’t comfortable with us 100% right from day one. That’s how I look at it. End of it all, its my happiness that’s in question and I want to be happy. If being associated with such creeps is going to destroy my happy self, seriously, is it worth the effort? I guess the same can be applied to the community of blogging world.

Here you have 3 kinds of visitors.

The ones who leave a comment and their names.
The ones that leave a comment but not their names.
The passive kind (kinds like me, who visit a lot of blogs but never bother commenting).

Its for the latter two that we try to make friends or, it would sometimes be like our real life friends visit our blogs and put in comments there. Some of our ravings and rantings would eventually make them get angry or upset for they would have been in someway responsible for that particular rant and would disagree and have a major outbreak with us. Honestly, is all this really worth the effort. Why do we need to care in the first place?

My passive attitude—let me learn from all the constructive criticism that I get and ignore the destructive ones.

During the holiday times all that I have to convey blogging community is be happy and continue to blog. That gives you solace so enjoy it totally and ignore anything that comes in the way of your enjoyment. Believe blindly that they do not exist and just enjoy the bliss of blogging.

Desa Muthumaari

2006-12-15T11:34:00.000-06:00

In this song Barathiyaar personifies the all pervading Goddess Shakthi as Desa Muthumaari. It is a lovely poem where the soul in pursuit of worldly riches feels defeated and is upset about the failures and the still yearning for more. And to that soul, he says, submit unto Her and rejoice and be happy in this world and in the life that you lead.

Sometimes, I feel was it to himself that he wrote these. It sure is from an anguished soul. You can make that out from the lyrics that the author wants to just submit no questions asked.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari
Kedadhanai Neekiduvai, Kettavaram Tharuvai

After having searched all over I come to You and submit unto You DM!
Remove all impurities and bestow me with the boons I ask.

Paadiyunai Charanadaindhen Paasamellam Kalaivai
Kodi Nalan Cheidhiduvai Kuraigallellam Theerpai

Singing your praises I submit unto you. Remove all sorts of love and affections I have.
Bless me with goodness and remove all my inaccuracies.

Eppozhudhum Kavalaiyile Enangi Nirpan Paavi
Oppiyunadheval Seiven, Unadharulal Vaazhven

I am always drowned in misery and sorrow about one thing or the other,
Will accept you and answer your beck and call, will live this life as a fruit of your blessing.

Shakthiyendru Neramellam Thamizh Kavidhai Paadi
Bhakthiyudam Potri Nindral Bayamanaithum Theerum

By singing Tamil poems in the name of shakthi at all times with devotion,
All these unwanted and fears will cease to exist!

Aadharam Shakthiendrey Arumaraigal Koorum
Yaadhenum Thozhil Purivom, Yaadhum Aval Thozhilaam

All scriptures lead unto Shakthi as the centre of everything.
Let us do some work to lead a life, all work are her work.

Thunbamey Iyarkaiennum Sollai Marandhiduvom
Inbamey Vendi Nirpom Yaavum Aval Tharuvaal

Let us forget that pain is but natural and
Ask her for only happiness and she would give all that we need in plenty.

Nambinaar Keduvadhillai Idhu Naangu Marai Theerpu
Ambigaiyai Charanpugundhal Adhiga Varam Peralam

Believe and thou shall not be let down, is how all religions and scriptures conclude
Belive in Her and Submit unto Her to She would bless you abundantly!

Update on 10/9/2007 Tuesday:

I found this version by Rajkumar Barati's Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari from You Tube. He has done a great job and I saw/listened to it quite a few times.

But somehow, I still like the version of Unni Krishnan better.

making an attempt to translate some of barathi's poems

2006-12-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

I have just a handful of people (and they can be counted in one hand without all fingers used) who I think visit my blog occasionally. As a result any comment that gets there is way too precious for me. And in that I have had this visitor, Vi leaving a comment on my post of December 11 asking me if I have any translations on Bharathi.

That triggered a thought of why not try an attempt of translating my favorite poet. Long ago, I had tried translating the very two songs that I had mentioned in the December 11 post for a friend. Those two are the ones that are most close to my heart. They have always haunted me. So I end up singing them often and some of my friends would like to know how come, I listen to the same verse so many times and keep singing the same most of the times. But then, they are the top two of the whole book that I love. Tried locating them but unfortunately couldn’t locate them.

So I have decided to translate one every week—starting with the ones that I love the most of the great poet—and post it here. Not that I get many visitors to get feedback. But then, that would be something that—that as in doing the translation in the first place—would make me feel really good.

Thanks for the inspiration Vi.

a few more links added today...

2006-12-13T12:46:00.000-06:00

But still a long way to go.

I still have lot of links to be tagged to this page. But then, today, I added a few. Though still incomplete better than what it was a couple of days back :)

Its Bharathiyaar's B/day today!

2006-12-11T17:05:00.000-06:00

This is one of the many songs of Barathi (my favorite poet—the one who made me enjoy my mother tongue so much). I chose this for today for that’s the kind of mood that I am in. I have been way too restless for a long time now, and the ego in me is just not ready to submit (to submit to myself—do I make any sense?)

Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannama,
Ninnai Charanadaindhen
Ponnai Uyarvai Pugazhai Virumbidum
Ennai Kavalaigal Thinna Dhagathendru

Midimayum Achamum Mevi En Nenjil
Kudimai Pugundhana Kondravai Pokkendru
Than Seyal Enni Thavipadhu Theerndhingu,
Nin Seyal Seithu Niravu Perum Vannam

And now the soul has submitted and is rejoicing its submission--

Thunbam Ini Illai Sorvillai Thorpillai
Anbu Neriyil Arangal Valartheeda
Nalladhu Theeyadhu Naam Ayiom
Annai Nalladhu Nattuga Themaiyai Ottuga

I had liked this in particular, for that man was never understood even by his people who should have when he lived. And this song particularly, I feel is the lament of the soul that is so disturbed in not knowing clearly what it wants and just goes around the world living. So much is conveyed in this song. I cannot say how much I love this one, the way it is constructed, so simple yet with so many layers of meaning embedded in it. The same concept is conveyed in some of his muthumari songs too. But this one in particular, has the refrain Kannama, and the way he submits his ego and everything to Kannama, the all pervading Shakthi and just gets back to his normal cheerful self.

I personally feel its when there is so much of restlessness that’s happening in this mind and soul, the soul is so very upset that it wants peace and reaches a point where it submits to enjoy the bliss of submitting. You can feel that in this song. And Unnikrishnan, sings them beautifully. He does a decent job with both the songs mentioned here.

There is another one in the same tenor, which goes,

Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari
Kedadhanai Neekiduvai, Kettavaram Tharuvai

Paadiyunai Charanadaindhen Paasamellam Kalaivai
Kodinalan Cheidhiduvai Kuraigallellam Theerpai

Eppozhudhum Kavalaiyile Enangi Nirpan Paavi
Oppiyun Eval Seiven, Unadharulal Vaazhven

Shakthiyendru Neramellam Thamizh Kavidhai Paadi
Bhakthiyudam Potri Nindral Bayamanaithum Theerum

Aadharam Shakthiendrey Arumaraigal Koorum
Yaadhenum Thozhil Purivom, Yaadhum Aval Thozhilaam

Thunbamey Iyarkaiennum Sollai Marandhiduvom
Inbamey Vendi Nirpom Yaavum Aval Tharuvaal

Nambinaar Keduvadhillai Idhu Naangu Marai Theerpu
Ambigaiyai Charanpugundhal Adhiga Varam Peralam

Why is it that my ego is not able to submit with no questions asked? WHY?

So who is the loser here?

2006-12-11T16:44:00.000-06:00

I remember reading a long time back in one of Adrienne Rich’s poem (or was it TS Eliot’s Cocktail Party—for that’s also about relationships and marriage), that having an argument is better than silence. What she tries to tell there is that it’s better to argue than to be silent and let the other person assume that you accept their view point. Most of the times, to avoid an argument or a discussion, we end up remaining silent. We just do not bother letting the opposite party know what we really feel about. That attitude of ours actually creeps into a lot of our daily activities. Where we refrain from the opposite party knowing what we really feel about something.

But then, that is not effective communication. You have to ‘spell it out’ as to what you really feel. That’s health communication. But then, that’s what leads at n-number of times to various degrees and shades of an argument. So how can it be good? I am lost here.

I initially thought that the attitude of holding on to information was woman thing. For haven’t we heard people say that understanding a woman is close to impossible, and that a woman never tells exactly what she feels. I did believe in that a lot, for I had remained quiet in so many discussions not bothering to let the group know what I feel honestly about. Not that I lied, or that I hid the truth. Unless questioned directly, I generally refrained from commenting. But as I started growing up, I did start realizing that even men have that attitude. It’s to again just avoid unnecessary conflicts and in the process never bother to say what they have in mind or what they really feel.

So who is the loser here? I often ponder without an answer.

TGIF!!!

2006-12-08T14:57:00.000-06:00

Dunno what has gotten into me. This was one horrible week I had. I cannot say that I am neither the kind that gets blues on Monday morning nor the one that gets excited that its Thursday today. For I do do that occasionally. But this week was totally different. Right from last Saturday or was it a hangover of the last week, I just do not remember.

I was lazy to get out of my bed all the five days. (nothing new, but then, at least one day of the week I usually feel happy to get out of the bed—guess it’s the cold weather, where you just want to be in the bed after awakening and when you do not get that… you just yearn for more).

Hasn’t been that greatly a productive week at work either. Tried tying up all loose ends and as a result my status report has no progress, its like I was stuck at last week. I hate that with a deadline coming up and things not getting done yet both from my end and from the other end. But anyways, eventually we (as in me and my manager) postponed our deadlines. (Hurrah! That calls in for a celebration. Woo Hoo)

This week has been one of my coldest winters in the US so far … (again not that I have lived some 10 winters here.. this technically is my 3 winter, but actually its my second winter for last year I was in India between November and February. Also, I would say this is my first for this is the first winter I get out of the house on a daily basis when the day is actually cold as in, in the mornings). I hate it when the wind blows like the way it does—I mean the wind chill. Inside my gloves and jacket, my fingers go numb.

I have started reading Ponniyin Selvan and going to work means, I need to wait till I get time in the evening to read and even then, its some pages that I get to read for I gotta get things around the house and get dinner done, (don’t forget we ate thrice out this week) and of course got to get lunch done for I am one finicky woman who has to take her lunch with her.

And have I identified what it is that makes me hate this week so much and rejoice that its Friday today. Nope. Not a clue. But am right now so thrilled, excited, overjoyed, delighted, animated, elated, so pleased with myself, so pleased with everyone around me, I can actually keep smiling now for next couple of hours. And all this for what?

Thank God it’s Friday! I can sleep all I want for the next two days! And read all the time my favorite PS. WOW, isn’t life beautiful?

Falling head over heels in Love with Ponniyin Selvan—All Over Again!!!

2006-12-06T17:34:00.001-06:00

I have been reading Ponniyin Selvan for the second time. The first time I read was sometime in 2001-2002. My tamil reading is not that fluent, as in am not a fast reader when it comes to tamil, but I can still read and am really really proud about that. Also, am thankful to my teacher and dad for struggling to make me write and read the language and all the patience they had with me when I was learning it. But for them, I wouldn’t be enjoying reading books like these. But this time, me thinks, that I have improved a lot from where I was a few years back in reading tamil, for I am reading real fast and in 2 weeks I finished Book 1 or is it the craze of PS that’s making me read it fast, I do not know. Whatever, I am in Book 2 and am enjoying the conversations between Poonghuzhali and Vandhiyathevan right now. Just way too good. I almost feel like, I am a spectator in that boat with Samudra Kumari and Vallavaraayan on Bay of Bengal, on my journey to Singalam, when they happen to spot those islands from afar in the sea. The way he uses the word Maragatham to mention the color of the land from afar on sea is just superb.

The novel as such leaves a lot things for you to imagine in between the lines and the way Kalki has done the characterization of each characters is just way too awesome. Every one of them, come alive in front of your eyes and you can picture them with even the dress that they are wear. The language that he uses, the simple urainadai thamizh, I am at a loss of words here to talk about that. All in all it’s a treat to read PS no matter how many times.

My Heartfelt Thanks to:

Kalki—for having written something like that in the first place—thanks for the wonderful gift that we still enjoy way after you are gone.
Miss Rani and Miss Kamala—for the amount of patience they had in teaching me thamizh at school.
My Dad—for putting that fight in making me read and write thamizh all through those years and for introducing me to lovely world of Kalki and his novels. For the way he used to talk about the characters of these novels. And the way he still is there for me to discuss after reading each volume.
My Mom—for all the wonderful stories she said and the way she used to get animated when discussing PS which also was a reason for me to read the book.

Thank you lord for giving me this wonderful life with so many different lovely things to enjoy! Makes life worth living it!

existential dilemmas~!@#$%^

2006-10-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

I am going to India for 3 weeks. I am leaving on the 13th of October and am going to be with my brother for a week in Dubai before going to Inida. Of course the Dubai part is exciting but the whole idea of the trip is exciting although it is not aimed at fun.

For the sake of those 3 weeks off, I am having a mad rush at work and am almost working most of the weekends. On top of that, I released something yesterday knowing very well that it was just complete and not excellently complete if you know the difference between the two.

I have a deadline for the end of October and am running against time to wind up things for the 12th for I am not going to be at work from the 13th. It really is a mad rush that’s happening both at work and home with my dear husband pitching in at everything possible. And after all this, the minute I land in India, it would be another mad rush before I take the flight to leave back to the US.

Sometimes I really wonder, why are we doing all this, and where are we going? Guess this is what my friend means when he says existential dilemmas?

What was the last straw on this Donkey?

2006-09-20T15:17:00.001-05:00

I had been wanting to write something to keep up with the way my brain works (assuming I have one and that it works). For most of the times, I end up forgetting everything. I guess I can even forget my name if I am not called by my name for a week.

The other day, I left my coolers somewhere in the house. But where? I have searched the whole house, infact brought the whole house down – they are yet to go back up – but no sign of my glasses. My husband these days is tired of my forgetfulness. He is close to a control freak and with me around, the poor man has a tough time. He can never be sure that Vidya has done something and lay his mind at rest. I sometimes say, if my head is not attached to my body, and you need to attach it on a daily basis, I am capable of forgetting that activity and still function around wondering why I am not doing a good job at something that I generally am used to.

So its checking if the door is locked twice before leaving out the house if we leave together, and twice again before going to bed and checking the stove if its off when he crosses the kitchen, for I was close to set the house on fire (that would be a post by itself) once. These are just some examples. One such thing was to blog. I had been wanting to do it for more than 5 years now. Procrastination, that’s another thing that I am famous for (I can write more than one post on that). I have so much of stuff to do, that my to-do list has close to 20 plus things on it and some of them have been there for more than 6 months. But nothing can beat this one. This has been there for more than 5 years. :-)

Sometime back, a common friend of ours had been reading Dubukku’s blogspot and sent me this link. http://dubukku.blogspot.com/2005/10/blog-post_04.html and asked me read on Aravindswami saying that she was laughing reading that. That was the last straw on this donkey’s back. He inspired me like anything. I was reading through his blogs the whole day.

The very next day, happened to be my parents 37 anniversary and the first one without my mom. I was in a funny way too upset about it and my husband the great communicator that he is was upset about something else – would not open his mouth about that.. and both of us were trying to pick up on some silly stuff at each other. That made me burst out to (had to somewhere... right?) create the site and blog my first entry on the 14th of September as a tribute to my Mom.

Thanks to Dubukku, Dheekshanya, Ambi, Vidya – my namesake, Anjana Menon, Shoba, Rajeev, Driftglass, Kanjisheik, and all the others who were inspirational in making me start this.

A full list should be available some time soon – planning to tag those pages in mine. :-)

Mystic India—The Giant Movie—My 2 Cents

2006-09-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

Was indeed a giant movie made of a small country. My country. Had read so many reviews and wanted to see what it was that this small boy did.

The blurbs that I read said, that it was a walk of 7 years of a 11 year old boy – a young yogi. I was expecting to see another westernized way of looking into India. But this was different. A typical Indian way of approaching the subject and the trail of this young yogi. Made me marvel at the faith and will this young boy had at that tender a age. When at this age, not that I am a granny.. but still question His existence at many a time.

The way Neelkant, that’s the boy’s name, walks all alone in the summits of Himalayas, all alone with nothing to accompany him except his faith makes you believe in god. The enormity of the mountains in sharp contrast to this small boy all by himself, with nothing with him, no food, no clothes to keep him warm except for this faith. He is going all around the country to understand the supreme better and in the process learns to become one with nature. The way the camera goes with the boy makes you feel that you have made your journey around India.

Leaves with a feeling you have gone to India for 45 mins. Right from the time, you are welcomed with an elephant to the time when Neelkant decides to stay in a place in Gujarat, the movie makes you leave with a feeling that you have been in India for a few days and have returned back to US when you get out to go to the parking lot.

Kudos to the crew and to everyone associated with the making. An excellent movie that brings out the unity of India in its diversity. One more reason to feel proud to be an Indian. I am so happy to be a drop in that vast ocean.

A space for me to do exactly what I want :-)

2006-09-18T17:49:00.000-05:00

But do you know exactly what you want to do?

Now you cannot be asking me that. You should also be assuming that I know what I want to do and just let me be. Hmm.. I can go on and on and on with no one to question me. Wow that sounds really cool. What are the possibilities?

I can ramble about the books that I have read. All the different junk I end up reading. (Sometimes I end up reading some good junk too for a change and at other times its nothing).
I can take a trip down memory lane and generally come up with some nostalgia.
I can write reviews (note the arrogance there) on the movies I watch.
Polambalam, (go ranting and raving) when I don’t like something.
Take some notes for myself.
Do a lot of elaborate observations (ah, now I have come to the point that what my blog could precisely be.. Or did I really?) on the day to day happenings in my life.
And so on and so forth. [I cannot think of any right now, if I get will add later, that way, that would help me remember what all I would want to do (lol)]

I had wanted to do this for a very very long time. Initially wanted to have a page for myself, and even got a domain that my dear husband had got for me. But just didn’t get the drive to do it. Then one day, in-between work, something struck and I thought, this would be a easier way to do it and boom I created one and started blogging just like that. Exactly the way I do everything in life.

Manasil Mithuna Mazhai Pozhiyum Azhagil oru Mayilin Alasalaasyam... (VHS)

2006-09-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

I saw this Malayalam movie called Nandhanam. If I am right, it was the first movie of Navya Nair. And for a first movie that girl is just too good. And the cast includes Prithviraj, Revathy, Kaaviyoor Ponnama as P’s Gramms, Innocent, Jagathi and many others whom I don’t know.

Okay, I need tell this before I proceed further. I am not that fluent in Malayalam with Tamil being my mother tongue and if I end up speaking Malayalam a native of the language is going to have a tough time. But then, I can surely survive with my knowledge in any remote village of Kerala. But I sure enjoy a good Malayalam movie more than a regular Tamil movie. So much for a language.

Let me get back to Nandhanam. Its an awesome movie. I don’t know if everyone would feel that way. Its just another romance where a poor servant girl falls in love with the master of the house and the usual problems that go with it where the relatives are against it and make them feel miserable. But the beauty of this movie is the girl by herself. She is a very simple girl, with simple expectations in life and is not angry at the people who are trying to spoil it for her, is so genuine in the way she gets things around the house for the old woman (KP) and in general it’s the girl who makes you get involved in the movie. And of course the script. Being an ardent devotee of Guruvayoorappan, she is for ever taking to him as her friend. Comes to his picture when she is happy to share a few words and again to cry to him when she is upset about something. And those conversations just stay with you long after the movie is over and is just classic. So much so, the lord himself is not able to just not be without hearing her and comes down for her as her next door Unni Ettan and gets her married to her sweetheart.

The movie lingers in your mind long after you have seen it. Makes you feel that God is right there hearing you all the time and there for you no matter what and if there is a time which you find difficult to cross he is going to come next to you in some form. Its just that you do not know. I can just go on and on and on… Dunno why some movies have this feeling of making so silent about it after watching it and you just feel like you have had a look into something so so special. Like it was a message just for you!

And there is a song where she is confused as who this next door guy is … Manasil Mithuna Mazhai … my favorite from the time I have seen the movie and a couple more where she sings on lord Krishna ... Karmugil Varnande Chundil ... Excellent Excellent Excellent. I had to iterate it that many times. Couldn’t help it. I have been listening to that song the last few days repetitively and just had to write about it. How I wish I can understand those songs better!

My Dad going hi-tech!

2006-09-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

Appa is a unique personality that cannot be defined that easily. He is the kind of dad, who is always out to please his son and daughter no matter how much he has to work for it. I once remember Amitabh Bachan being asked a question in an interview about how his relationship with Abishek is as both of them act together and there is this generation gap of a father and a son between them. Amitabh replied saying that he is a very obedient dad. Wonder how he stole that answer from my dad or is it a school of dads who just do that. Be obedient to their children.

He is always there, no matter what, it would appear he is obedient, but lemme tell you, he would make you dance to his whims and fancies and you wouldn’t even know that you are dancing to his tunes. He would reason it out so well that you would adopt it to be your tune and if he realizes the music is good on the other side, I tell you, you would get a genuine appreciation and he would adopt it himself. That’s something that I enjoyed in him and its one the many things that he has that makes me feel proud to be his daughter.

One such thing was using cell phones and he deciding to get hi-tech to stay in touch on communication with his kids. Oh god, how many times has he pressed the ‘end call’ button to ‘pick’ up a call. And after talking to ‘end’ a call, he would just end up pressing the ‘end call’ button a little too much and switch off the phone. Then would sit waiting for his son to call and wonder why this son of his hasn’t called.

After a wait of about an hour and 2 or 3 vethali pakku with pogayalai done, he would decide to call his son to find out why he hasn’t called and would pick up the land line and call him up.

My Bro: En appa, ivalo neram phone panna. Enna pannina nee, un cell phone work pannalaya?
Appa: Ennamo therila da. Pakkathulaye dhan vechundu irukken. Nee dhan pannalai. Panni irundha adichirukkume.
My Bro: Enakkennamo nee adhai switch off pannitiyonnu doubt. Eduthu paaru, if there is light on the screen?

He takes the mobile and tries to look at it with a keen copyrighted look of his to find out that he has switched his cell off. (If anyone has seen him they would know the way he looks or tries to read something without his glasses and with the vethalai in his mouth—that’s a beautiful sight to see).

Appa: Amaam da, light kaanom. Switch off pannitten pol irukku. Naan onnum pannalaye.
My Bro: Enkitta pesittu, enna pannina?
Appa: un kitta pesittu, phone off panninen. (that is he did a ‘end call’).
My Bro: Hmm… Naan nenekkaren.. nee andha button-a romba azhuthitta. Adhan phone off aayiduthu.
Appa: Ok! That was the reason, it didn’t ring all this while. Look here … enakkellam idhu othu varadhu. Appavala mudiyadhu. Enakku indha land line pdhum. Ennai ellam nee hi-tech aaka pakkadhey.

And if think my brother would accept that for an answer, then you got it wrong. (Of course, you do not know him the way I do, right?)

My Bro: Idha paar, naan innimey unakku phone pannina, cell phone-nukku dhan pannuven, so adhai un pakkathula vechukko. Unakku dhan, pakka theriyardhu illai, if it is switched off, u know to switch it on. So use the cell phone.

So that’s how the phone call ended this day.

Not knowing any of this, I call up my brother after a week long gap. It has been a couple of days since I spoke to my dad too.

Vidya: Deai, enna da pannarey? Busy-a?
My Bro: Illai dee..Sollu!
Vidya: Ennatha solla. Enna pannarey? Appa kitta pesiniya?
My Bro: kekkadhey, I did a mistake of getting him a wrong cell phone. Adhu konjam over-a end call button amukkina phone off aayidradhu. So appa appo appo cell phone off pannidra.
Vidya: Landline-kku panna vendiyadhu dhaney.
My Bro: Naan matten. I want him to learn to use the Cell phone.

(I realize, ivan edho solli irukkan appava. Andha kovathula dhan, enkitta indha mari cryptic-a pesaran. If not, he would be highly enthusiastic to receive a call from me any day.)

Okay, I now decide to make a call to appa.

Vidya: Hey Appa emi pannarey?
Appa: Onnum illai dee, ippo dhan paattiya pothi vittutu, indha book eduthu vechunden padikkalamnu.
Vidya: Naan keduthuttena?
Appa: Illai dee kanna. Sollu. Enna pananrey? Konthai eppadi irukke?
Vidya: Super-a irukken. And so is un mappalai. Nee sollu. Un pillai pesinana?
Appa: Panninan dee, but, naan ennamo panni vechutten andha cell-phone adikkalai. Paavam aasai-ya phone panni irukkan, neraya try panni irukka and had got upset that I did not pick it up. Oru vazhiya edutha podhu, kathittu, vechuttan. Enakku edhukku indha cell phoneum mannagattiyum.
Vidya: Hmm.. free-a vidu. Avan dhan loosunnu theriyumey. Thana land line phone pannuvan. Kandukkadhey.
Appa: avanukku irukku. Naan kathukkaren iru. Avanukku SMS anupparen iru.
Vidya: Yebba! Paravaillaiye.. konjam pola unakkum rosham vandhuduthey. Seri, inga vera onnum vishesham illai. Naan nalikki phone pannaren.

Ippadi irundha my dad, these days is sending us SMS messages, wishing us Good Morning and Good Night and sending us small notes as updates! And is using the cell phone to a very great extent. And is still walking right along side us the way he used to make us walk beside him when he was teaching us when I was 15 and my brother 11 right along side him. Its a bit silly, but we still have to share anything and everything with our dad. I am a little better and can accept that he can grow old. But my brother can never ever accept that his dad can grow old. He has to have dad for everything and this man enjoys it equally.

And at 70 he really has gotten hi-tech to prove he can do it! Keep it up PA!

September 14 1969—It is 37 years today!

2006-09-14T14:27:00.000-05:00

Never once even remotely did I think, that I would undergo the kind of emotions I undergo these days for a person who when living never made me to even be aware of what I should have been. It has been almost a year. Of course I know that today is the 14th of September in 2006 and for this day to come from the 14th of September in 2005 the earth has to do a full circle which means a full whole year. But this heart of mine is not ready to accept that and thinks of this day last year as if it all just happened yesterday.

The phone call I made that day is still so fresh in my memory. The way she was so excited over a small gift that her husband, my dad, had given her. She sounded like a kid getting something the first time. It was such a small thing, for I did get to see it when I went home in November. But mind you, how much ever small it may be, it was a gift of gold. And this man really knew how to get into her heart. Oh how I wish I could turn back time. So many things have become so simple these days compared to what it used to be. Why is it taking so long for people to find how to go back in time?

There is still so much ask you, tell you, let you know how I feel about you and also learn how you really feel about me. Funny, I did not ever think that marriage could make you understand your mother so well. Is this some kind of a cheap trick that God wants to play on me for the tough times that I gave you? I never meant to be bad. I still sometimes cannot think of another way to react to certain situations that I reacted.

Makes me think yet again, if only I could turn back time I might try to do it different this time (I still am not sure if I would do it right – the right that you would define as right). But would sure try to get the message through you that with all the defects a person can have, I and we all love you amma and you would be missed acutely.

Hey, Mangamma Sabadam! Happy Anniversary Dee! So indha varusham enna thantha appa unakku?