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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Of This & That

This and that and that and oh that too.

I have been noticing a trend in me of late that I don’t seem to like it a wee bit.

  1. I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like to. I do have a lot to say, rave and rant about, but am scared seeing them written. Some of my real life folks read this space and do not want to shock them. That is taking my mind off blogging any little stuff that I want to write by itself.
  2. I attended a Unnikrishnan’s light-music concert in Dallas recently, as recent as the 5th of October. Had a great evening, thanks to a friend who was part of the Vibha group which organized the show, getting the tickets was a breeze. I am yet to write about that. I really want to and intended to write about it, but something keeps me away from typing it down.

  3. Its officially 2 years since mom’s demise. It hurts real bad at times; I hate to acknowledge it. I guess, its going to haunt me my whole life. So many things attached with itself that revolves around the year 2005 eats me terribly inside. Wish I grow out of it.

  4. I hate myself for being what I am, where I have ended up myself today, but guess there is no way getting out of it in any near future. So no point brooding over it.

  5. When I was younger It used to be easy to believe in God. God knows what happened to me and that belief of mine as I started growing older. Of late I find it very difficult to believe in God. Funny how I feel that, if I could set that right, it could help me feel better.

  6. My patience of putting up with nonsense that I used to earlier is growing weak as days go by. Guess I am growing old.

  7. I very recently read all the 7 potter books at one go and just finished the 7 one. I had already read them all earlier. But now, it was all the 7 in quick succession. That was indeed good. Enjoyed doing that.

  8. After nearly 7 years I got to spend some 3 months with dad without any break in-between. Miss him bad after having all those good times with him so very recently. Felt really bad seeing him grown old. Felt even worse realizing that the hero of my life can at times falter.

  9. Having spent that time with dad, I miss being with my brother more. More so, when I know he is with dad at home to perform mom's ceremony.

  10. I just realized that its been a real long time since I made any new friends which at tomes makes me feel sad. Sadder still, I have lost touch with almost all my old ones too, the ones who do mean a lot to me. So much so, I do not have a friend whom I can just call up and talk to and meet for dinner. And that makes me realize I do not have a single friend to whom I can talk in the city that I live :-( Another sign that I am growing old.

  11. When I was young and even now, I thought and still think marriage is all about companionship. Oh how very naïve and wrong I am and had been all along. With all due respect to R, if at all, marriage has taught me something, its made me realize very clearly, that I am alone and really alone in this world. More so than when I was unmarried. Am I getting cynical?

  12. I have never felt as alone as I have been feeling of late, my entire life. Hope this is something I will come to terms with pretty quick. That way, I wouldnt spend my precious time in being in the dumps. I know this is a passing phase, but this time, this has stayed in place longer than I would like to.

  13. There are so many questions that I would like to ask with reference to my very existence, but will I get answers. When I know I am not going to get any answers why am I asking them in the first place? Beats me!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

1) Don't feel pressured to. Sometimes a break can clear the mind and in retrospect, you'll be able to better articulate your thoughts.

2) That sounds amazing. I do enjoy his voice.

3) The heart knows no calendar.

4) I'm curious to know why.

5) I lost my faith in "God" a long time ago. My faith in humanity, and in the existence of the goodness around us remains.

6) You're not getting old, simply less inclined to deal with bullshit. That's a good thing. :)

7) I've still to finish the 7th book, and I've no inclination to do so. I'll get around to it eventually.

8) I think relationships with our parents better as we age. I'm still waiting for those moments.

9) I adore my brother - would be lost without him. I can empathize here. :)

10) Sometimes I find making friends to be a chore. I like the level of comfort and closeness I've achieved with the ones I have, and it seems to be too troubling and difficult to go through the process over and over and over again--and for what? I'm satisfied with the few I have. :)

11) I've always wondered why a realist was often confused with a cynic.

12) I can empathize here, too.

13) Maybe you won't know until you ask - which depends on who you ask, I suppose.

I wish you the best, Vidya. :)

Dusty Fog said...

It takes a lot of courage to put down here the stuff you have. The same courage will get you through this 'passing phase' as you rightly call it.Regarding those 'doubts' you seem to be having, more often than not, let them be, and they will sort themselves out even without your effort.
Stay well Miss.

Vidya said...

@ Vi --
1) You could be right there
2) He is got a great voice and I like his Ninnai Charanadaindhen the best - my all time favorite
3) True
4) :-)
5) Sometimes I lose that too and that scares me a lot
6) You are being kind
7) I am crazy about Potter
8) Very true, luckily I had a granny who taught me that when I was really young
9) I cannot imagine my life without my brother.
10) Exactly. But of late, I have lost that childish attitude towards making friends, and somtimes, I wish I had retained that
11) When reality hits and shatters the ideal world, a person ends up being practical. And the world calls the then practical person cynical? Sometimes I wonder if that could be the case?
12) Thankfully, I am not alone
13) True, at times I think, I should search for someone who can give me answers

@ Dustyfog -- Thanks for your kind words. Yes, everything passes. This will pass too. Its just that when it lingers around you ask too many questions and end up being bogged down in doubts. As you said, it will pass. :-)

Deekshanya said...

My dear vidya
I know what it takes to miss a parent, have seen several of my best friends losing their parents recently.
All I can say is, "I know its tough, but since u are tough only, God has chosen you to bear it. You Can.Believe in Yourself dear". Also would like to add " You are your only companion at any stage in life. People come and go, relationships fail, but u are with urself. Enjoy this solitude,the world is yours. Indulge urself in something you love, soon u would feel better. nothing really remains - worry / happiness. Give it some time.

With you always
A friend!

Vidya said...

@ Deekshanya -- :-) ennatha solla.. As I said Dusty Fog, this will pass. Its a matter of time. As you said, its that realization that hits you hard. Once you are thorough with it, then you would start taking it in your stride.

Thanks for your kind words.

Anonymous said...

heyy cheer up. This is not you. Cheer up cheer up.

//I have lost touch with almost all my old ones too, the ones who do mean a lot to me.//

- adippppaaaviiiii ...ennalam indha countlayeee serthukala pola...hmmmmmm :)))) :((((

Vidya said...

@ Dubukku -- Hey, you very well belong to that select few and you know it too. So dont try and get senti on me now.

But let me be true to myself, when was the last time I spoke to you? I am growing old my friend :) As I said to Dheekshanya, its the realization that hits you hard, once you accept it, its easy :) Then it will pass quickly. Guess this is my realization phase.

Keshi said...

Can I give u a hug now Vidya? I'll give it anyways. HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

I had tears in my eyes as I read this list. I didnt know u lost ur mum. Im really sorry to hear that. God bless! D u know I lost my dad too...when I was just 16. After that, I dun much believe in many things in life...like how ppl say good things happen to good ppl blah blah blah.


**Of late I find it very difficult to believe in God.

Sometimes I feel just like u...that God is just a myth. And then miracles happen and I believe in God again. So yeah, its a dilemma...


Anyways I wanna tell u this...that from today, u never hv to be lonely...cos u hv a friend and her name is KESHI.

MWAH Vidya TC hun!
Keshi.

Vidya said...

@ Keshi -- Am bowled over :) Thanks Keshi. Thank you my friend!

And as I said, I dont feel lonely, I realize I am alone. There is a difference between the two. Infact, I like being alone. But, there are times when you think you have company and suddenly you realize you are alone. As I replied Dubukku, is that realization that hits you hard. Once you accept it, things fall back in place.

Am right now in that phase where the realization has happened, but the acceptance hasn't happened yet.

Keshi Thanks again! I am really lost for words :)

yezdi said...

Is it cosmic or what? I used to talk my best friend at least an hour everyday somehow its been 2 months and we have not spoken even for a total of 1 hour. After reading this, I guess i'll call her. I change jobs on an annual basis then why am I betting the better of me for it anyways.

meerkat said...

hi vidya

first time visitor here. i somehow felt an empathy for lot of these points you made even though i dont know you. especially on the point of making friends

as you get older you are satisfied with the number of friends you have and in my case many of them are quite far flung from where i live.

but recently i have decided to make more friends locally as i like the face to face interaction. so in that spirit, i extend to you my hand in friendship
meera

Scott said...

You need to be able to
1) Forgive yourself

in order to
2) forgive others

It will lift a weight off of your chest.

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Happiness is a state of mind. It's not dictated by outward circumstances -- really. Learning to see a situation as it is, not as you hoped or feared it would be, is one of the keys to being content. -- Unknown
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