Another Year Goes By Without You Amma.....

Funny how time flies. Yet another year goes by with me standing and watching it go by. Its officially 2 years since I started this blog on that morning of September 14 2006. And this year I am posting a post a few days later after 14th of September 2008 on the 18th of September. I still have dated this "Sunday, September 14, 2008" for the obvious reason. Its been more than 6 months since I wrote something here. I haven't even replied to the comments of some of my fellow blog friends. I cannot say I had been busy that I couldn't acknowledge comments. I do value their comments and their friendships. Guess I lost the drive and had been too engrossed in myself. But this was a day that I did not want to let go like all the others.

I like the poems of Emily Dickinson. One notable thing about her poems is brevity. There is one poem in particular that I love a lot. You can find the poem here -- http://www.bartleby.com/113/4085.html

I am going to reproduce the words for my own sake. Its such a small one, and is just 8 lines. This particular one has always fascinated me right from the first time I have read it. This was something I have always heard from my granny. She would just say, as time goes by things will fall in place. As as kid I never really understood. But of late, I can relate so much to the poem. I was one person who really resented growing up and I still do in many ways. Which always takes me to what my brother would say... "Insecurity and pain is inherent in growth!" Many times I think though he is younger than me, he really is way too wiser than me.

THEY say that “time assuages”,—
Time never did assuage;
An actual suffering strengthens,
As sinews do, with age.
Time is a test of trouble,
But not a remedy.
If such it prove, it prove too
There was no malady.

Time sure plays a lot of tricks in one's mind. The way you go through something makes you so strong that after a particular time when you look back you can really laugh at yourself. The only thing that matters for me is, I don't want to be laughing alone when laughing at myself and I don't want anyone laughing at me when I am not laughing either. But thank god, luckily I am not alone and I do have someone who can laugh with me at myself and at my idiosyncrasies and do it only when I laugh at myself.

Amma, I did remember you ... not that I remember you only on the 14th of Sep... its just that around this time you really trouble me a lot. You still puzzle me a lot. With every passing day, I seem to understand you more. I cannot say, I can accept all that I understand, but understand I guess I do. Its the third year without you. I did talk to appa ... but this year we did not talk about you today. This year was a lot better than last year.. Guess time really does assuage or is that I have learnt to handle it and get stronger. Whatever time really is a test of trouble.

One more significant thing about this post is its my 50th post. Funny... I wanted to write something substantial for a long time and was postponing posting something here and I end up posting now to register a date.

Another Year Gone!

• Yet another year gone.
• I grew old another year.
• Lost my father-in-law in February.
• Made some new friends this year.
• Did not let my blog die.
• Did spend some good time reading. Did not blog much about them.
• Did not lose any weight as planned. But then, did not gain any pounds either, which by itself is an achievement :)
• Watched some good movies; did not do justice to them in my blog.
• Attended 2 concerts, my first being ARR's this year and then a Unni Krishnan's. Both were great. I had blogged on the former, but not the latter.
• Spent some great quality time with my Dad after a long time. :D
• Gave some tough times to R (life is no fun without that)
• In all its been an okay year with both its pluses and minuses.

Though the year started with a shock, its ending pretty pleasantly. Happy New Year 2008 to everyone!

September 14 2007

I complete a year today on Blogpost! Not bad, I did not let this blog die like all those journals that I maintained all along in my life. May not be as regular as I would like to be. But a lot better than not writing at all. Also made a couple of friends in the process (woo hoo)

Here’s for me for completing a year and this year on this 14th of September of 2007, I have dad visiting me in Dallas here. Another year goes by with me just watching it go.

Funny, appa remembered the day today, when all those years you had fought with him for forgetting the day. It’s the second year without you around and it sometime hurts to think, that I understand you more as I grow up.

Back in Action

After a long time, I found time for my blog again. I feel like I have been away from this place for eons. With so many things happening around me, I had totally stayed away from this place. Let alone writing, I had no time to even visit my favorite ones.

The last week and this week had been a little better or may be, I had learnt to juggle things better or may be, I had become less lazy. I am not sure. But then I also realized that me being busy did not stop me from watching the favorite movies that I wanted to, from my usual hours of sleep, or from whiling away my time in front of the television. But it make me get away from doing some elaborate cooking, from walking and exercise, from feeling guilty when I end up eating junk food in the process of eating outside, postpone doing laundry, postpone getting things done around the house, postpone or miss calling on friends, postpone from even getting up from the bed every morning.

Agreed,

• I was in a new job, which means I had to drive a distance of around 30 miles one way on a daily basis
• I had to learn a lot of new stuff in this new place and
• They had and still have a weird way of functioning as a team

But all that, I thought in a sudden burst of enlightenment, was an excuse to get away from chores that I had to do on a regular basis. Or to be more exact, for my laziness to happily creep on me. So I made up my mind that I am not going to be lazy anymore. I have decided to do some experimentation with myself.

• Let me see if I can get more done in that short time.
• Do a change of work when I feel exhausted with what I am doing.
• Try to make and stick to the commitment that I do with exercising regularly – this is one thing that has been haunting me day in and day out.
• Blog more regularly.

Blogging does make me feel nice. So why I am not doing it more… beats me.. But then, that’s me… the moron that I am :) Let me see how successful I am this time to get away from the clutches of lethargy.

should I blog under an assumed identity?

I came across some posts where people seem to have either an issue of identity crisis or an issue with anonymous comments. It was this exchange between Premalatha and myself that propelled me to write this post.

Although there a lot of common ground issues in both of these posts, they are essentially two different things all together.

Scenario One: The writer is an anonymous writer who chooses not to divulge his/her true identity but assumes another one and maintains both of them seperately. S/he writes under a pseudonym.

Are we really anonymous when we decide to retain a particular pseudonym? I do not think so for in this case it’s just that the author happens to have an assumed name. S/he is not anonymous. So as in the case of The Visitor, s/he is not anonymous. Just uses another pseudonym and is not known in his/her real identity to the real world. I see a lot of uses in this.

1. There is no information about me in the net…WOW I am non-traceable
2. I can reveal what I want to and how much I want to through my posts
3. As the visitor says, there is no baggage information attached with the post for the reader to presume a stand in the first place.
4. Enables the author to express more freely
5. The created anonymity helps when trying to express opinions on topics that are bound to create ripples.

I would not be judged when I voice it out, for the reader does not have any baggage information about me. I many times wonder if I should do that myself—write under a pseudonym. Would like to try out and see if that helps me to express myself better.

There are so many different things that bind each one of us from voicing ourselves exactly how we feel and be as honest as we would want ourselves to be. Most of us would never go to discussing controversial topics just because, we might end up hurting someone or end up losing a friend and so on and so forth. But there are times when there is confusion as to who you really are for yourself, when using a pseudonym. You have one that is your virtual identity and another one which is that of your real life. They both are bound to cross boundaries after a period of time. It depends on how much can you handle. As long as you are happy and comfortable I guess it should work.

Look at me yakking away.. but I am unable to decide for myself if I want a virtual identity I am not sure.. may be... not yet.. but then, my blog is hardly visited so its easy for me retain my personality for blogging or is it that I am shying off controversial topics, honestly no answer yet…

Scenario Two: The one who leaves comments in the page of the original writer is anonymous who chooses not to divulge his identity (any, be it real life or virtual) but assumes ‘a holier than thou’ moral stand and passes a judgment.

In this scenario, as long as the commenter agrees with the writer, there is no issue. Its only when s/he ends up putting a comment, and not divulging his/her identity that all hell breaks loose. You know what happens in this case—it could actually be one the writes known people who are scared to come up with open comments on the work and they have to voice their opinion but be invisible about it. I say, I wouldn’t like that either. But then, again, excepting deleting unwanted comment, we cannot do much about it.

Its like, the shop is open, and so we do not have a choice in the kind of people who come to shop. We can, may be refrain from selling from some people. But, even that is illegal in the real terms of doing it. This scenario is close to a helpless scenario if the comment is for one of our rants. As it is we have had a tough time and are upset about something and we are just using our notice board to express why we dislike it. Not enough of that, someone has to give a contradicting opinion and above all not leave a name for us to give them a reply. How are we to know that that anonymous person visited the page again and read our reply? ARGH! How very irritating. These commentators are the cowards. They are scared to have their name associated with their names. But there are some positive commentators out there who would like to remain anonymous too. They just choose not to have a face. I cannot say that they are cowards. But still there is some amount of cowardice in that too.

Whatever, in both scenarios the author wants not to be identified. But I somehow approve of the earlier case and not the latter. But then, again, as I had said in my comment on Premalatha’s post, I most of the times am the passive kind. I some how hate confrontations. I shy away from it. I know I am not being honest in the process but I cannot do the sweet talk either. The people I confront are the ones I love and I care about. So most of the times when they do not hear my opinion it is because, I don’t want to give a disagreeing remark to someone (about something), who cannot handle that remark and start an argument. When actually, I wouldn’t be interested in even letting them know what I think. For that’s the taste such arguments let me be with at the end of it all. Not worth it.

Been there, lost a few friends and learnt from it all. I don’t care much these days except for the few chosen ones who can tolerate me and accept me as I am. They were meant to go one day or the other, its just that this was the cause they chose. They weren’t comfortable with us 100% right from day one. That’s how I look at it. End of it all, its my happiness that’s in question and I want to be happy. If being associated with such creeps is going to destroy my happy self, seriously, is it worth the effort? I guess the same can be applied to the community of blogging world.

Here you have 3 kinds of visitors.

1. The ones who leave a comment and their names.
2. The ones that leave a comment but not their names.
3. The passive kind (kinds like me, who visit a lot of blogs but never bother commenting).

Its for the latter two that we try to make friends or, it would sometimes be like our real life friends visit our blogs and put in comments there. Some of our ravings and rantings would eventually make them get angry or upset for they would have been in someway responsible for that particular rant and would disagree and have a major outbreak with us. Honestly, is all this really worth the effort. Why do we need to care in the first place?

My passive attitude—let me learn from all the constructive criticism that I get and ignore the destructive ones.

During the holiday times all that I have to convey blogging community is be happy and continue to blog. That gives you solace so enjoy it totally and ignore anything that comes in the way of your enjoyment. Believe blindly that they do not exist and just enjoy the bliss of blogging.

a few more links added today...

But still a long way to go.

I still have lot of links to be tagged to this page. But then, today, I added a few. Though still incomplete better than what it was a couple of days back :)

What was the last straw on this Donkey?

I had been wanting to write something to keep up with the way my brain works (assuming I have one and that it works). For most of the times, I end up forgetting everything. I guess I can even forget my name if I am not called by my name for a week.

The other day, I left my coolers somewhere in the house. But where? I have searched the whole house, infact brought the whole house down – they are yet to go back up – but no sign of my glasses. My husband these days is tired of my forgetfulness. He is close to a control freak and with me around, the poor man has a tough time. He can never be sure that Vidya has done something and lay his mind at rest. I sometimes say, if my head is not attached to my body, and you need to attach it on a daily basis, I am capable of forgetting that activity and still function around wondering why I am not doing a good job at something that I generally am used to.

So its checking if the door is locked twice before leaving out the house if we leave together, and twice again before going to bed and checking the stove if its off when he crosses the kitchen, for I was close to set the house on fire (that would be a post by itself) once. These are just some examples. One such thing was to blog. I had been wanting to do it for more than 5 years now. Procrastination, that’s another thing that I am famous for (I can write more than one post on that). I have so much of stuff to do, that my to-do list has close to 20 plus things on it and some of them have been there for more than 6 months. But nothing can beat this one. This has been there for more than 5 years. :-)

Sometime back, a common friend of ours had been reading Dubukku’s blogspot and sent me this link. http://dubukku.blogspot.com/2005/10/blog-post_04.html and asked me read on Aravindswami saying that she was laughing reading that. That was the last straw on this donkey’s back. He inspired me like anything. I was reading through his blogs the whole day.

The very next day, happened to be my parents 37 anniversary and the first one without my mom. I was in a funny way too upset about it and my husband the great communicator that he is was upset about something else – would not open his mouth about that.. and both of us were trying to pick up on some silly stuff at each other. That made me burst out to (had to somewhere... right?) create the site and blog my first entry on the 14th of September as a tribute to my Mom.

Thanks to Dubukku, Dheekshanya, Ambi, Vidya – my namesake, Anjana Menon, Shoba, Rajeev, Driftglass, Kanjisheik, and all the others who were inspirational in making me start this.

A full list should be available some time soon – planning to tag those pages in mine. :-)

A space for me to do exactly what I want :-)

But do you know exactly what you want to do?

Now you cannot be asking me that. You should also be assuming that I know what I want to do and just let me be. Hmm.. I can go on and on and on with no one to question me. Wow that sounds really cool. What are the possibilities?

1. I can ramble about the books that I have read. All the different junk I end up reading. (Sometimes I end up reading some good junk too for a change and at other times its nothing).
2. I can take a trip down memory lane and generally come up with some nostalgia.
3. I can write reviews (note the arrogance there) on the movies I watch.
4. Polambalam, (go ranting and raving) when I don’t like something.
5. Take some notes for myself.
6. Do a lot of elaborate observations (ah, now I have come to the point that what my blog could precisely be.. Or did I really?) on the day to day happenings in my life.
7. And so on and so forth. [I cannot think of any right now, if I get will add later, that way, that would help me remember what all I would want to do (lol)]

I had wanted to do this for a very very long time. Initially wanted to have a page for myself, and even got a domain that my dear husband had got for me. But just didn’t get the drive to do it. Then one day, in-between work, something struck and I thought, this would be a easier way to do it and boom I created one and started blogging just like that. Exactly the way I do everything in life.