To be Attached or Detached?

Long ago I read Vi’s Of Sylvia, Echoes, and Empty Rooms. That post made me get too nostalgic and I wanted to write so much in that comment space of hers that I realized I need to write them down as a post than a comment.

Eventually, I did start writing this one, the very day that I made that comment (18 September 2007 at 3:49 pm), but then, some how I got digressed in my daily rush of activities that it lay forgotten amidst all my files. Guess today is a day to get nostalgic. When I was clearing up my folders, I stumbled upon this incomplete write-up and said, let me make some logical conclusion to the fragment idea of mine.

Vi’s said post made me rewind and go back in life to the times when I was at high school. That was the time when I was starting to understand the world around me. I was kid who had been very reluctant to grow up. Even now, when I think of high school, I still think of myself as a kid. I was a kid for most part of my school life, and in fact got out of the cocoon to spread my wings very late in life. But then, even now, I haven’t grown in the real worldly sense, I doubt if I would ever grow up.

The idea of not getting attached to things that Vi talks about in her post, did sound too close to me. For with or without my knowledge for a long time in my life, I had lived a life that way, except that I had been attached to a person way too much and it did hurt real bad when that person had to leave me and go. But this person had been my real life example who taught me with her life, not to get attached to anything in life. I was learning to comprehend the world around me. Like how every kid first comprehends the one that’s closest to him/her, (mostly the mother) I started looking at and asking questions of whatever my granny did.

She never had anything to her, when I say anything I really mean it. All she left for us, when she died were 2 worn out sarees which actually is a treasure beyond measure for us. She never collected anything in life. Not that she had a great cushioned life where she can go collecting stuff. But even when she did have a cushioned life towards the last 2 decades of her life, she never collected and discouraged us from adding stuff too. Whatever I am today or I have made of myself as of today, is all because of her. Not that I have done anything great; but what little has been possible, has become possible because of her. She is the reason and the person who is mostly responsible for whatever I am today.

Everything I have today, right from my values, to my knowledge in cooking, to my attitude in life, to my attitude towards anything in life, the basics were learnt from her. She instilled pride in me. She instilled the attitude to aim at perfection in what little work I do. She instilled in me that there is pride in washing utensils and washing clothes and in mopping the floor. No work is less or no work is great. She laid the foundation in me and my brother when we were kids and made us get to wherever we are today. I cannot say that we have achieved anything great, but I do know she was proud of the human beings that she created in us. She taught us to be ourselves and most important to be comfortable of who we are. Above all, she taught us how to be both ambitious and contented.

All she had was another nine yards saree that she would need the next day to wear. She lived a life with nothing else to call hers. She did have a lot of people around her. She had her son, her daughter and 7 grandkids. But things, she had none. As we started growing up, me and my brother realized that she did need a 3rd saree and she was denying herself. Sometimes, during rainy days when we used retunr from school and hug her, we would feel that her clothes were damp. The few days that it rains in Madras, can many times leave a 9 yards saree remain damp even after the 20 odd hours it had had to dry.

Oh, I still remember how much we had to force her to have a 3rd saree. Even then she complied more for our sake than her own. She did not want us hugging her in that dampness for fear of getting us sick. As I said earlier, there were days when clothes would not dry in Madras because of rains; of course they are just a few days in a year, but with just 2 sarees in place and they being 9 yards, you can imagine, how difficult it would be to find a dry one in rains.

I can easily visualize the color of her saree and feel the smell of her in that saree. It always used to be the same colors with the replacement happening in the very same colors again. One of them would be a dark green, one a dark blue and the other a dark maroon and all would have some kind of thread work done for 1/4 inch as a border on both ends of the saree. Every year she would replace them and discard the old ones. For that, dad would pay the money to my aunt to get them, for then dad did not know much about sarees. But even way after, that became a habit and it was aunt who always got granny her sarees, but mind you, dad has to pay for it. Grannies and their idiosyncrasies :-)

I remember asking her many times, 'why do you always wear the same color and why is it that athai should buy it to you?' She would give that beautiful smile of hers and say ‘Oh, it started because, your appa did not know what to look for in a saree when buying and athai did not have that kind of money to spare then, but now that it has become a habit, I don’t want to change it. Plus, it is your dad who pays for it anyway. And I enjoy it that my daughter gets it for me from the shop. So both of them together take care of their mother’s need. Moreover, all you need is some clothing to cover yourself up. What is there in a color? It should be clean; that’s all there is to it. Why give it too much of importance. Get too much attached to such mundane things they will start ruling you.’

Many times, I wish I learned to live a life like her. She knew to find joy in simple small things around her. Unlike many granny’s whom I have seen, she knew how to laugh. For a woman who was widowed in her late 20s she sure knew how to be happy. I am still learning and I know I have a long long way to go ahead of me, not that I am a collector of things, but still :-)

I still feel this is incomplete, but in part this is complete, in a whole sense incomplete though. Writing about her will always be incomplete for I can never get words to express what I feel for her to my satisfaction. I am named after her, though that name is not my official name, in my family circle, I am known to carry her name. Hope she blesses me to carry on her attitude towards life too. Is it this that they call detached attachment?

Of This & That

This and that and that and oh that too.

I have been noticing a trend in me of late that I don’t seem to like it a wee bit.

1. I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like to. I do have a lot to say, rave and rant about, but am scared seeing them written. Some of my real life folks read this space and do not want to shock them. That is taking my mind off blogging any little stuff that I want to write by itself.
2. I attended a Unnikrishnan’s light-music concert in Dallas recently, as recent as the 5th of October. Had a great evening, thanks to a friend who was part of the Vibha group which organized the show, getting the tickets was a breeze. I am yet to write about that. I really want to and intended to write about it, but something keeps me away from typing it down.

3. Its officially 2 years since mom’s demise. It hurts real bad at times; I hate to acknowledge it. I guess, its going to haunt me my whole life. So many things attached with itself that revolves around the year 2005 eats me terribly inside. Wish I grow out of it.

4. I hate myself for being what I am, where I have ended up myself today, but guess there is no way getting out of it in any near future. So no point brooding over it.

5. When I was younger It used to be easy to believe in God. God knows what happened to me and that belief of mine as I started growing older. Of late I find it very difficult to believe in God. Funny how I feel that, if I could set that right, it could help me feel better.

6. My patience of putting up with nonsense that I used to earlier is growing weak as days go by. Guess I am growing old.

7. I very recently read all the 7 potter books at one go and just finished the 7 one. I had already read them all earlier. But now, it was all the 7 in quick succession. That was indeed good. Enjoyed doing that.

8. After nearly 7 years I got to spend some 3 months with dad without any break in-between. Miss him bad after having all those good times with him so very recently. Felt really bad seeing him grown old. Felt even worse realizing that the hero of my life can at times falter.

9. Having spent that time with dad, I miss being with my brother more. More so, when I know he is with dad at home to perform mom's ceremony.

10. I just realized that its been a real long time since I made any new friends which at tomes makes me feel sad. Sadder still, I have lost touch with almost all my old ones too, the ones who do mean a lot to me. So much so, I do not have a friend whom I can just call up and talk to and meet for dinner. And that makes me realize I do not have a single friend to whom I can talk in the city that I live :-( Another sign that I am growing old.

11. When I was young and even now, I thought and still think marriage is all about companionship. Oh how very naïve and wrong I am and had been all along. With all due respect to R, if at all, marriage has taught me something, its made me realize very clearly, that I am alone and really alone in this world. More so than when I was unmarried. Am I getting cynical?

12. I have never felt as alone as I have been feeling of late, my entire life. Hope this is something I will come to terms with pretty quick. That way, I wouldnt spend my precious time in being in the dumps. I know this is a passing phase, but this time, this has stayed in place longer than I would like to.

13. There are so many questions that I would like to ask with reference to my very existence, but will I get answers. When I know I am not going to get any answers why am I asking them in the first place? Beats me!

September 14 2007

I complete a year today on Blogpost! Not bad, I did not let this blog die like all those journals that I maintained all along in my life. May not be as regular as I would like to be. But a lot better than not writing at all. Also made a couple of friends in the process (woo hoo)

Here’s for me for completing a year and this year on this 14th of September of 2007, I have dad visiting me in Dallas here. Another year goes by with me just watching it go.

Funny, appa remembered the day today, when all those years you had fought with him for forgetting the day. It’s the second year without you around and it sometime hurts to think, that I understand you more as I grow up.

Planting Flowers

Last weekend, I had bought some beautiful Mexican flower pots from a local store here in Dallas. I found some time last evening to put them to use. It’s a lovely experience planting flowers. I had some bought from the home depot the previous weekend and I was going to put them all together.

So I set out with my potting mix, liquid fertilizer, the pots, the plants that need to be repotted and eventually, fill the two huge pots with the potting mix. I take the plants out from their small plastic make shift pots that were used at the store. Seeing the way the roots were circled around in a knot all cramped up in that small pot struggling to grow, made me feel sad for those plants. I tried prying into them to loosen up the roots and in the process, cutting a few here and there. Initially I felt sad that I was hurting them. Then I realized that they anyways need to be cut back, which actually would help them grow more in their bigger new pots.

I was basically preparing them to get adapted quickly into their new environment. I knew they were ready for the new pot. But were they sure about that themselves. That I was not sure about. Were they ready for that drastic change? That’s what made me think how we retaliate at times to the way things happen to us. When we undergo a change or cutting back on what we were used to, we always react to any situation by retaliating. But why can we just not think and accept that some one above us knows what He is doing and is doing something that actually prepares us for the next new something. It was a serene experience, getting those plants re-potted and watering them.

Thinking that I would be seeing them in their new pots today when I go home, makes me feel so happy and enthusiastic. Such small things makes me realize the greatness of the Almighty and yet at times the rational side of my brain makes me question His very existence. Why can I not just submit with no questions asked? I have been asking this question repeatedly and the answer is still eluding me.

Back in Action

After a long time, I found time for my blog again. I feel like I have been away from this place for eons. With so many things happening around me, I had totally stayed away from this place. Let alone writing, I had no time to even visit my favorite ones.

The last week and this week had been a little better or may be, I had learnt to juggle things better or may be, I had become less lazy. I am not sure. But then I also realized that me being busy did not stop me from watching the favorite movies that I wanted to, from my usual hours of sleep, or from whiling away my time in front of the television. But it make me get away from doing some elaborate cooking, from walking and exercise, from feeling guilty when I end up eating junk food in the process of eating outside, postpone doing laundry, postpone getting things done around the house, postpone or miss calling on friends, postpone from even getting up from the bed every morning.

Agreed,

• I was in a new job, which means I had to drive a distance of around 30 miles one way on a daily basis
• I had to learn a lot of new stuff in this new place and
• They had and still have a weird way of functioning as a team

But all that, I thought in a sudden burst of enlightenment, was an excuse to get away from chores that I had to do on a regular basis. Or to be more exact, for my laziness to happily creep on me. So I made up my mind that I am not going to be lazy anymore. I have decided to do some experimentation with myself.

• Let me see if I can get more done in that short time.
• Do a change of work when I feel exhausted with what I am doing.
• Try to make and stick to the commitment that I do with exercising regularly – this is one thing that has been haunting me day in and day out.
• Blog more regularly.

Blogging does make me feel nice. So why I am not doing it more… beats me.. But then, that’s me… the moron that I am :) Let me see how successful I am this time to get away from the clutches of lethargy.

Senior Moments in Everyday Life

I went back thrice inside the house after having locked the door to start to work the other day. My poor husband who generally gives me a ride to the station where I pick up my train to work was really exasperated. He is one person, who generally doesn’t forget the daily trivial things. And I am the kind who forgets those. I would be used to doing something daily and baam, one fine day, just forget doing it. Wouldn’t have even realized that I had forgotten it.

After marriage, the great researcher that R is, he said that I may be running low on sugar when I get into these bouts of forgetfulness. But with the sweet tooth that I have, I can never possibly be running low on sugar to have my senior moments. I have been having them from my school days. When I told him a couple of too standing out instances, he gave up on me. These days, I can see that he has learned to live with this woman, who at times can even forget her name if she is deeply lost somewhere in her thoughts.

Once during my 7th grade, I ended up going to the exam hall thinking I was taking English II. It was the half-yearly exam. And to my surprise, I receive a Math question paper to be answered. I ask my teacher, isn’t it English II today and she says, ‘no my dear it’s on the next day or the very next day.’ (I don’t remember what she said). The shock of receiving the Math paper to answer was indeed too much. What I cannot still believe is, there must have been people outside the hall with some math book or paper with trying to memorize formulae’s and stuff. How did I possibly miss it. I have no clue. But I get into answering and eventually gave the answer sheet and went home.

Now comes the part of answering my dad. He was indeed shocked. Until, now, it used to be forgetting home works, losing pens, slippers, and umbrellas. But this was like, having the exam time-table right in my school dairy, but still forgetting it and going prepared for another exam. That got him worried as to what was happening to the kid and waited till I received my mark sheet. The mark sheet had no change. The marks were in the usual 70s. May be one or two up or down.

Another similar instance in grade 10. For my public exam of 10th and 12th my dad followed my time-table. I did goof up again in my 11th grade. The best was when I goofed up in college. I went for my 3rd semester exams a day early, thinking we start our exams that day. I see a couple of my friends and ask them for the others, wondering why they are not around yet for the exam was going to start in another 20 minutes or so. I still remember the way, a friend of mine named Priya yelled at me. She was like, ‘what the hell are you doing here.’ And I go, that I am here for blah blah blah (the name of the paper that I think that was). At which she says, ‘why on earth do you want to insult us in front of juniors? We (as in the second years) do not start our 3rd semester exams until next week. It’s the arrears of our first semester that we (as in those who have arrears—no wonder most of my classmates are not around—) have come to attend today. So just go home.’

I had a very perplexed look still and went to the hall to check the time-table again. Look at the confidence in the goofing up that I do. She stopped talking to me for a month because of that. And when I go home early and tell this to my granny, she is totally perplexed. The whole family is perplexed as to how I can repeatedly do this. Thank goodness, I didn’t go a day or two later for my exams. If I had done that, I would ended up writing it as an arrear paper in my 5th semester.

It didn’t end there. My friends then started following the time table to me. And during my M.Phil days, my professors called me up to tell me to remind classes for we used to have classes some 2 or 3 days a week and I did forget to go to class once and they had shelved that class. It’s the arguments that I generate were interesting for the HOD that they did not want to have a class without me. Can you believe that. That did make my day. Ofcourse she did scream at me when I said that I had forgotten we had a class that day. I still remember the way a friend of mine cursed me for that. Later, she made it a practice to come home and pick me up before going. I have been really upset and tried a lot to keep myself aware. But have never succeeded.

It continues till this day, and with dad at home I forget to take the house keys too. That’s what I did the other day. The first time it was the keys, the second time it was my cell phone and the third time, it was my work card key. Luckily, dad was there to open the door. If not, I would have locked myself out with me locking and getting out of the house without the house keys one me. Not believing my story of forgetting the exam time-table, R got it confirmed from dad. And ever since, he has given up on me and my forgetfulness. Atleast he has stopped getting exasperated when I forget things.

Funny, how I do remember a lot of stuff. Everyone in the family trusts me for recipes. It just comes out of my head. But then, I do forget to switch off the stove at times which ends up in getting the food burnt. But only some days are that way. There are days when I am totally on my toes. I would end up remembering things that I would feel really weird about myself for remembering.

I have so much of post-its and reminders set at work. And somehow its funny that I have never forgotten anything crucial at work yet.

Losing a Loved One

A colleague’s father breathed his last, last night. He had been struggling for some months now, so its not very painful to know that she is not going to have her father around anymore. These days; I keep hearing such stuff a lot. Makes me realize that I am growing old. People in my circle are growing old and their parents in turn are growing old. I am not scared of death. It’s something that makes your realize that this life on earth is not going to last an eternity and one day your turn will come. I guess, handling the turn when your loved ones are taken away from you is more painful than that of your end. I cannot say that for sure yet, for I did struggle to come to terms when I lost my loved ones and havent seen mine yet. Especially my granny. I lost her even before she could breathe her last and that really hurt me a lot. This news being the first thing that I heard when I came in today, made me go down memory lane.

The worst part is the void you feel when you know you do not have that person in flesh and blood around you. It’s that void that is way too unsettling to take in. And having her in flesh and blood and you still cannot reach her for she is not available to you in worldly terms is painful. The most is when you see her in pain. Hopefully, all that is gone once the soul leaves the body.

May his soul rest in peace.

How is 2007 coming along?

With 2006 officially left behind, we start hearing the question, so how is 2007 coming along? Or it is sometimes, how do you like 2007 so far? I find it funny to answer. Every day is a new year by itself. So I do not understand this silly question of how do you find 2007.

For official reasons, financial reasons, for academic reasons, for agricultural reasons and for so many such reasons, I see the need for marking a day as a beginning of the year. It may be like any important day of the year, which serves as a marking for any reason. It could be the equivalent of the equinox for example. But why do we attach so much of importance to this marker than the rest.

On the lighter side of it, I do enjoy the holidays that comes along with it. The feel of the holiday season is always a welcome. Right from my school days, I have been trained to have holidays during this season and during my school days it used to be Christmas holidays or as we used to call it, half-yearly holidays. There was a quarterly holidays too. Alias Pooja holidays for a week to 10 days. The half-yearly holidays were longer. They used to go for more than 10 days and not more than 15.

Those days were fun. Playing around, reading Amar Chitra Katha, Tinkle, Chandamama and the like. With granny preparing many different things to eat. Also, with the many holidays coming in, mom and dad used to be at home. They were mostly fun but for the times when me and brother used to have a fight and sulk around for sometime. But thinking back even that was fun. More than the New Year concept, it used to the fun of the whole family together that made them special. Guess that’s what makes such holidays fun and makes us get nostalgic at times like this.

As we grow up we start asking a lot of questions and the novelty of many things in life is lost. Once the television came in, it started having programs for the New Year’s Eve. It used to be an attraction for a couple of years. That’s the first time, I heard that term, and I remember asking my teacher what it means. But I still haven’t grasped the feel of what is so important about it to go about making such a big racket on account of it. There can be so many eve(s) that we can follow as a tradition where we can have the same racket.

One thing that I have understood over the years, people need some reason to freak out and enjoy. They just cannot enjoy for the very sake of enjoying. And I haven’t still understood why. One thing I have come to dislike over the years are those programs that these different channels churn out to hold their audience during such festive times. Eeeks… they just gobble up the time without you being aware that they have taken your time off.

As a resolution, I have decided not to watch too much TV this year. As it is I watch less and I am going to refrain from watching even that little and use that time to do more reading. Let me see how it goes. That way if someone asks me around March as to how is 2007 coming along, I would have something different to answer too. I might even look forward to someone asking me such a question.

Looking back at 2006

The last few years of my life have been struggling hard to make me grow up; but the whiny that I am, am not ready to grow up no matter what. My brother used to quote a quote always—author unknown—that ‘insecurity and pain is inherent in growth.’ This particular quote he has to say for anything and everything I do; for I was one late bloomer in everything in my life. Don’t get me wrong that I have been dumb. I was always late in doing anything in life in general. Now do not get me wrong. I have had my happy moments and am at peace with myself when I doing this flashback today. But I have this knack to shut myself from any kind of unhappiness that might come my way. I could be called an escapist. I try to get away from that situation, mentally, and just live in a happy time or space that I want to be in. Physically, I always confront—need to look brave to my own eyes you see—but mentally, somehow, I find a route to escape. Sometimes its friends, sometimes its books, sometimes its music, sometimes its movies, sometimes it’s a new course—not necessarily in the same order—and so on and so forth.

But 2005 and 2006 were like—no matter how much you try to find a route—we are not going to let you escape this time. This time my buddy you gotta make your attempt to grow. (Dunno if I grew, but couldn’t escape a lot of events that happened, and eventually haven’t come to terms with some yet).

2006 started on a very unhappy note for me. Actually 2005 was a mixed year that left its traces really hard on 2006.

1. Mom met with an accident in May 2005.
2. Granny passed away in June 2005 after being bedridden for more than 43 months.
3. We became permanent residents in July 2005.
4. Mom passed away in November 2005.

Those were the major events of 2005. One of that was responsible for me being in India—in Trishur—when 2006 dawned. It was just me and my dad in Trishur in that lovely house which we both enjoyed like anything. I still miss that place and the house and the lovely time that I had with my dad.

January and February went away in traveling. R made a visit to India when I was there. Stayed with me and Dad in Trishur. Those times were good. The visit to our native temple in N was the icing on the cake. It was one of the festive times, being Thai Maasam, and we were lucky to have lunch at the temple. That is something that R will never forget in his life. Neither can I or dad. Infact it was the first time that dad has had food at the temple. It was really good. And we just enjoyed the whole day except for the part of missing mom. She is the one who would have gotten all excited about the whole thing.

But by now, I am in my escape mode and was reading a lot during this time. It was during those days, that I got hooked up to watching Malayalam movies once again. [I am enjoying it so much again these days after my visit to India. I bought some VCDs from the Music World. :)] Saw a lot of movies, kept talking with dad, took some long walks with him in Trishur. Visited temples and some how tryied to stay away from the reality that mom is not around.

February, I came back to Dallas feeling as miserable as I could, leaving my dad to be all alone all by himself. It used to eat me a lot and upset me quite sometimes thinking how he is handling the whole stuff. And then at times, I thought of my brother as to how he is handling it. None of the phone calls ever made to him or my dad made me come to terms with myself. After a phone call to my brother, I end up even more upset realizing that he is equally as upset as me, but is just trying to just ignore it and accept it in his own way.

For a few weeks after return, I had bad health, and when returning, I lost my luggage and at last felt funny and awkward when I reached Dallas. By March, I had to travel again. [Looked like at last God did give me a signal that mentally escaping from situations were cool.] So there I was making new friends and getting to do some work after 2 years of break. Initially was scared that I might not remember any of what I have done. But eventually, I got going and was happy with myself. Being in this new job meant that I stay away from R for sometime. Of course we ended up visiting during weekends, but it was sorta hectic.

Looking back at it now, it was fun with all the sadness in it for my mom would have been really happy to know that I started working again. And above all, it took away everything from my mind for sometime with me and R meeting each other over the weekends, so it was a new place, new people and new lifestyle for a couple of months. Made some new friends who still are in contact even after me leaving that city. Feels good when I say that. :) Funny as we grow old, it becomes more difficult to make friends and stay in constant touch with them. Age has something to do with being open to accept people as they are.

June came and it was one year since my granny had passed away. My granny was one person who molded me to what I am today. She was a very loveable personality. We all feel bad that we did not feel the pain of her demise for she was bedridden for almost close to 4 years. After a few months of her being bedridden, we realized that we had lost her. Its only a matter of time before she breathes her last. That pain of losing her was felt a long time ago so much so that when she passed away it was not that painful. What with mom’s accident a month earlier to granny's demise, we sort of forgot granny for a few days when my mom’s condition was critical. Remembering all that made me so guilty and heavy for so many days and at times tried talking to her like she was around.

So eventually with all that done, dad felt a little at terms with himself and decided to visit my brother abroad. That was a mighty step that we made dad take at last. An achievement for the two of us (me and my brother).

And so went July and August. And September made me remember mom and my parents wedding day propelled me to start logging at blogspot. Writing that day did ease my heart a lot and that’s when I made up mind that I am going to write more. I haven’t been able to do that consistently due to both busy-ness and lazy-ness. But honestly, I have been really busy the last few months. But whatever little I had written, has made me feel good. With that came the habit of reading so many web logs. As of now, am still enjoying it. Guess this is the escape this time. Whatever, the end taste that it leaves is good. So until the time I am enjoying it guess I would continue doing it.

Came October and I was all set to go for my mom’s anniversary. I couldn’t believe that it had been a year. And what a hectic schedule in life it was. For 3 weeks of stay with my dad and brother, I literally had wheels in my feet before the trip to complete things here and time just vanished like anything there… 3 weeks went away like 3 days. But anyways, I documented all that was required for future reference and think I did everything well so that my mom’s spirit would have reached the place that is supposed to be. (Although I am skeptic about all this, she believed it so blindly, so couldn’t help not doing it. It was like, she was there asking me why am I not doing it for her.) One good thing out of the whole stuff is, I know how to tie madisaar now without any help from anyone. WOO HOO! What an achievement! Both my granny and my mom would have been very proud to know that I can tie it all by myself.

There was one lovely thing of this whole India trip. Got to spend some quality time with my brother and got to meet a couple friends who mean the world to me. It had been almost 5 years since I spent some quality time with my brother and meeting those friends were equally next to impossible for my kind of life-style and their do not match. Added to this, you can add the difference of place and time. So that was really a lucky time for all of us to be able to meet one another. That one week when I was able to think that I have gone back to my college days, with my dad and brother around at the same time and my friends who mean the most to me, I was really as close to heaven as I could be. And this time, we were able to visit Thirupathi. My... that place does have a way of making you feel content and calm inspite of all the buzzing activity around you. Life seemed blessed then.

November I am back in Dallas trying to get back in routine. But not without struggle though. What an eventful return flight it was. Anyways was back in Dallas and tried assimilating a lot of stuff. This year was indeed a roller coaster ride for me. There were real real highs and deep lows. But things have been that way from 2000. But something was at peace this year within me that I am unable to explain. I have never felt this all these years but I can now, with 2006 coming to a close. Dunno if its because I started this logging, or its because I know that I did all that I could do for mom, the way she wanted, or is it that I was able to meet and be with people who mean the most to me during this year.

Or is it that I am happy with myself and am at last learning to grow and accept the truth that there has to be pain and insecurity when growing… so just accept it and move ahead! There are times when it hurts to realize that you understand you mother better after marriage. It hurts more when you realize there is no way to communicate it to her to make her understand how much you love her. But then there are times that make me think, well if she were around she may not be happy to depend on someone after the accident. So God decided what was best for her and the family. Seeing her struggle would have been more painful for all of us. Oh yeah! We do not want that for her. We did see granny struggle.

Whatever, with the year coming to a close, I some how feel that I have grown old and I do not like it. I just wish I could get back to my teens and feel secure in the arms of my granny and have a chat in the terrace with my dad, brother and friends, with my mom and granny waiting on us down below. Ofcourse mom was busy watching TV and granny was keeping herself busy with something or the other or it would be the two of them in a conversation. If only I could turn back time?

Expecations and Disappointments???

One of the major stand points of Buddha was that desire is the root cause of all misery. He asked man to despise desire if he wanted to get away from misery.

Me humbly thinks expectation would fit in very well for desire. And say, expecation is the root cause of all disappointments.

There is so much that can be answered in life if we could only understand expectation. I read somewhere about the cause and effect stuff that seems to be ruling everything in this world. That can be equated very well to expectation and the result of an expectation. When the result suits us, we are so thrilled and happy about it. But otherwise, we end up being down in the dumps.

It all starts with an unusual thing happening some day. Then the same thing happens another day, and then another day in quick succession. It could be anything from someone saying a HI to your husband buying you flowers on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. And eventually, having had that happen a couple of times too often, the next step is to look forward to it. And oops ... there comes a day when you are forgotten (or for some genuine reason) and the Hi or the flowers do not come your way. You are down in the dumps and get angry at the one who hasn’t delivered the Hi or the flowers.

But tell me, is it fair on our part to get angry? Of course we have returned the Hi and said thanks when receiving something. I didn’t ask him/her to tell me a Hi or get me flowers. I am not that uncultured not thank or return the Hi. But then, was it right on my part, in the first place, to get angry at that person who hasn’t delivered at that time? Wasn’t it my expectation that had the bruises? Is it not me who is responsible for letting it take over me? Eventually sometimes we do communicate our anger. With all the ifs and buts and what nots. But there are some instances where we do not and keep holding a grudge.

That was just an example of straight-forward expectation. But in real life, there are so many instances which unfortunately are not straight-forward. There is so much of stuff that we take for granted in this world and expect it in a cultured conversation for we are living in a civilized world. But the irony is does it exist? (I mean the civilized world and the cultured conversation—is it not still a world only the fittest survives and did we not learn when we were kids that, that was the law of the jungle—please correct me if I am wrong) Why do I expect someone to understand and behave like a civilized human being?

Just because I think I am living in a civilized world does not necessarily mean the opposite party has to think the same and display civilized behavior. What exactly is a civilized behavior? Who defines it? And does this person who interacts with me follow the same definition as mine. For if not, we are bound to cross boundaries and eventually end up have a rough phase in our relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship or whatever it is. The same can be applied to any community. Be it real world or virtual.

I had thought I had mastered to be away from that mode of expecting after all the depressing times that I have had way back in life. But unfortunately, or is it fortunate for to expect is also to be hopeful and being hopeful is good. (Again, someone correct me if I am wrong, that was what I was taught in school, but then, these days I am unlearning a lot of things that I learnt as a child—so I may be wrong again) I realized only yesterday that I am not yet above that.

These days it’s a different kinda expectation. When I log into e bloggler, looking for any comments, for the last few days I have been receiving at least one. And I have stared looking forward to it now. That’s when I realized that I could fall into the rut of expecting very soon. So to remind myself what could happen when I start expecting, I realized let me refresh my memory of the disappointments associated with expectations.

They really go hand in hand. Some of us get depressed with disappointments, while some go raving and ranting, while some have learnt to just brush it and go forward. How I envy them. I am the first kind and eventually read a book to get out of it.

Now, now, now, writing on this topic doesn’t mean that I am disappointed and depressed about something. Neither does it mean I have grown out of the mode of expecting. I am just happy at this moment in life, thanking God for this wonderful life that I am living with all that I have and also with all that I do not have. Thanks Aanju! Thanks a lot!

ps. Aanju—means Aanjaneyar in my dictionary :)

So who is the loser here?

I remember reading a long time back in one of Adrienne Rich’s poem (or was it TS Eliot’s Cocktail Party—for that’s also about relationships and marriage), that having an argument is better than silence. What she tries to tell there is that it’s better to argue than to be silent and let the other person assume that you accept their view point. Most of the times, to avoid an argument or a discussion, we end up remaining silent. We just do not bother letting the opposite party know what we really feel about. That attitude of ours actually creeps into a lot of our daily activities. Where we refrain from the opposite party knowing what we really feel about something.

But then, that is not effective communication. You have to ‘spell it out’ as to what you really feel. That’s healthy communication. But then, that’s what leads many a times to various degrees and shades of an argument. So how can it be good? I am lost here.

I initially thought that the attitude of holding on to information was woman thing. For haven’t we heard people say that understanding a woman is close to impossible, and that a woman never tells exactly what she feels. I did believe in that a lot, for I had remained quiet in so many discussions not bothering to let the group know what I feel honestly about. Not that I lied, or that I hid the truth. Unless questioned directly, I generally refrained from commenting. But as I started growing up, I did start realizing that even men have that attitude. It’s to again just avoid unnecessary conflicts or confrontations and in the process never bother to say what they have in mind or what they really feel.

So who is the loser here? I often ponder without an answer.

TGIF!!!

Dunno what has gotten into me. This was one horrible week I had. I cannot say that I am neither the kind that gets blues on Monday morning nor the one that gets excited that its Thursday today. For I do do that occasionally. But this week was totally different. Right from last Saturday or was it a hangover of the last week, I just do not remember.

I was lazy to get out of my bed all the five days. (nothing new, but then, at least one day of the week I usually feel happy to get out of the bed—guess it’s the cold weather, where you just want to be in the bed after awakening and when you do not get that… you just yearn for more).

Hasn’t been that greatly a productive week at work either. Tried tying up all loose ends and as a result my status report has no progress, its like I was stuck at last week. I hate that with a deadline coming up and things not getting done yet both from my end and from the other end. But anyways, eventually we (as in me and my manager) postponed our deadlines. (Hurrah! That calls in for a celebration. Woo Hoo)

This week has been one of my coldest winters in the US so far … (again not that I have lived some 10 winters here.. this technically is my 3 winter, but actually its my second winter for last year I was in India between November and February. Also, I would say this is my first for this is the first winter I get out of the house on a daily basis when the day is actually cold as in, in the mornings). I hate it when the wind blows like the way it does—I mean the wind chill. Inside my gloves and jacket, my fingers go numb.

I have started reading Ponniyin Selvan and going to work means, I need to wait till I get time in the evening to read and even then, its some pages that I get to read for I gotta get things around the house and get dinner done, (don’t forget we ate thrice out this week) and of course got to get lunch done for I am one finicky woman who has to take her lunch with her.

And have I identified what it is that makes me hate this week so much and rejoice that its Friday today. Nope. Not a clue. But am right now so thrilled, excited, overjoyed, delighted, animated, elated, so pleased with myself, so pleased with everyone around me, I can actually keep smiling now for next couple of hours. And all this for what?

Thank God it’s Friday! I can sleep all I want for the next two days! And read all the time my favorite PS. WOW, isn’t life beautiful?

existential dilemmas~!@#$%^

I am going to India for 3 weeks. I am leaving on the 13th of October and am going to be with my brother for a week in Dubai before going to Inida. Of course the Dubai part is exciting but the whole idea of the trip is exciting although it is not aimed at fun.

For the sake of those 3 weeks off, I am having a mad rush at work and am almost working most of the weekends. On top of that, I released something yesterday knowing very well that it was just complete and not excellently complete if you know the difference between the two.

I have a deadline for the end of October and am running against time to wind up things for the 12th for I am not going to be at work from the 13th. It really is a mad rush that’s happening both at work and home with my dear husband pitching in at everything possible. And after all this, the minute I land in India, it would be another mad rush before I take the flight to leave back to the US.

Sometimes I really wonder, why are we doing all this, and where are we going? Guess this is what my friend means when he says existential dilemmas?

September 14 1969—It is 37 years today!

Never once even remotely did I think, that I would undergo the kind of emotions I undergo these days for a person who when living never made me to even be aware of what I should have been. It has been almost a year. Of course I know that today is the 14th of September in 2006 and for this day to come from the 14th of September in 2005 the earth has to do a full circle which means a full whole year. But this heart of mine is not ready to accept that and thinks of this day last year as if it all just happened yesterday.

The phone call I made that day is still so fresh in my memory. The way she was so excited over a small gift that her husband, my dad, had given her. She sounded like a kid getting something the first time. It was such a small thing, for I did get to see it when I went home in November. But mind you, how much ever small it may be, it was a gift of gold. And this man really knew how to get into her heart. Oh how I wish I could turn back time. So many things have become so simple these days compared to what it used to be. Why is it taking so long for people to find how to go back in time?

There is still so much ask you, tell you, let you know how I feel about you and also learn how you really feel about me. Funny, I did not ever think that marriage could make you understand your mother so well. Is this some kind of a cheap trick that God wants to play on me for the tough times that I gave you? I never meant to be bad. I still sometimes cannot think of another way to react to certain situations that I reacted.

Makes me think yet again, if only I could turn back time I might try to do it different this time (I still am not sure if I would do it right – the right that you would define as right). But would sure try to get the message through you that with all the defects a person can have, I and we all love you amma and you would be missed acutely.

Hey, Mangamma Sabadam! Happy Anniversary Dee! So indha varusham enna thantha appa unakku?