Back in Action

After a long time, I found time for my blog again. I feel like I have been away from this place for eons. With so many things happening around me, I had totally stayed away from this place. Let alone writing, I had no time to even visit my favorite ones.

The last week and this week had been a little better or may be, I had learnt to juggle things better or may be, I had become less lazy. I am not sure. But then I also realized that me being busy did not stop me from watching the favorite movies that I wanted to, from my usual hours of sleep, or from whiling away my time in front of the television. But it make me get away from doing some elaborate cooking, from walking and exercise, from feeling guilty when I end up eating junk food in the process of eating outside, postpone doing laundry, postpone getting things done around the house, postpone or miss calling on friends, postpone from even getting up from the bed every morning.

Agreed,

• I was in a new job, which means I had to drive a distance of around 30 miles one way on a daily basis
• I had to learn a lot of new stuff in this new place and
• They had and still have a weird way of functioning as a team

But all that, I thought in a sudden burst of enlightenment, was an excuse to get away from chores that I had to do on a regular basis. Or to be more exact, for my laziness to happily creep on me. So I made up my mind that I am not going to be lazy anymore. I have decided to do some experimentation with myself.

• Let me see if I can get more done in that short time.
• Do a change of work when I feel exhausted with what I am doing.
• Try to make and stick to the commitment that I do with exercising regularly – this is one thing that has been haunting me day in and day out.
• Blog more regularly.

Blogging does make me feel nice. So why I am not doing it more… beats me.. But then, that’s me… the moron that I am :) Let me see how successful I am this time to get away from the clutches of lethargy.

Jaane Do Na

Got to talk to a friend of mine yesterday after some 4-5 weeks. Actually, felt like talking after ages. Some people have that way to make you feel. Unfortunately, this one has that uncanny nature to make me feel that way at times. That’s besides the point of what I started to say.

Anyways, this friend of mine and I share very similar taste with reference to film music and we both like Illayaraja. Of late, I had been way too busy with so many things that I had missed doing so many things that I should be doing leave alone listening to the music of Cheeni Kum. When starting the conversation, my friend was like ‘Did you listen to the songs of Cheeni Kum, did you? Oh God, its way too good. You have to listen to Cheeni Kum. It does sound very familiar, but is awesome. Illayaraja is brilliant’ in a very exuberant fashion. Hearing that exuberance was when I realized what I had been missing all these weeks that made me feel like the weeks were ages. Now you know that you should be calling more often you moron… I am digressing again.

That’s when it struck me that the music was done by Illayaraja and that I had missed listening to it. I did know it was Illayaraja who composed for Chenni Kum for I remembered reading it long ago some where. So I went to musicindiaonline.com--my usual haunt for any kind of Indian music--and listened to the songs of Cheeni Kum today. Hmm, the music was not just good, I am so glad that I am listening to it at least today.

Funny, those songs were my favorites in Tamil and now, I have fallen in love with Jaane Do Na. It is an old tamil song composed with different instrumentation with Shreya Goshal singing it and with Sameer's lyrics, it is heavenly to listen to that number. Its been in my loop for the whole day.

I did remember that Baatein Hawa was Koozhal Oothum Kannanukku from Mella Thirandhadhu Kadhavu and Cheeni Kum and Sooni Sooni were both Mandram Vandha Thendralukku from Mouna Raagam, but some how I am not able to get the right tamil lyrics right for Jaane Do Na… but whatever, they might be repeats, but they do sound fresh and are lovely to hear. As always, Illayaraja is lovely and with Shreya Goshal its even more enjoyable in spite of the melodies being old numbers. Baatein Hawa in Shreya Goshal's voice with Amitabh talking a few words in-between is just too good.

Have not seen the movie yet.

ps. I just realized that Jaane Do Na is Vizhiyilae Mani Vizhiyil Mouna Mozhi Paesum Annam from Nooravadhu Naal but I feel that Jaane Do Na is way too good than the original. After listening to Shreya, I like the new version more than the old one. :)

Getting Disillusioned

Long time ago, I had spoken about how expectation leads to disappointments. But some how after understanding the way disappointment is directly related to expectation, what is it in me that makes me expect? I do make a conscious effort not to expect. But eventually, end up expecting more.

1. I expect to be appreciated when I do something appreciable
2. I expect to be recognized when I do something recognizable
3. I expect a smile when I smile at someone
4. I expect a thank you when I do something for someone
5. I expect a please when someone wants me do something for them

What is it in me that makes me ask for these things? Am I expecting too much in life and in humans around me that I deserve the disappointments that I get when I do not receive them. Is it the ego in me wanting acceptance and appreciation at every walk of life?

But why is that some people just demand a lot from you, like it’s their birth right, but forget to even say a thanks in return, let alone returning the same demands that they have made? Beats me! I thought these were basic manners a person is supposed to have. Correct me if I am wrong. Being informal never meant, giving up being well mannered.

All this makes me realize one thing. Do not expect a human being to act like one, and if you act like a human being yourself, do not expect to be treated like one. Guess its one more lesson in my class of ‘Getting Disillusioned’. But am still not sure, if I have learnt it well this time :)

Senior Moments in Everyday Life

I went back thrice inside the house after having locked the door to start to work the other day. My poor husband who generally gives me a ride to the station where I pick up my train to work was really exasperated. He is one person, who generally doesn’t forget the daily trivial things. And I am the kind who forgets those. I would be used to doing something daily and baam, one fine day, just forget doing it. Wouldn’t have even realized that I had forgotten it.

After marriage, the great researcher that R is, he said that I may be running low on sugar when I get into these bouts of forgetfulness. But with the sweet tooth that I have, I can never possibly be running low on sugar to have my senior moments. I have been having them from my school days. When I told him a couple of too standing out instances, he gave up on me. These days, I can see that he has learned to live with this woman, who at times can even forget her name if she is deeply lost somewhere in her thoughts.

Once during my 7th grade, I ended up going to the exam hall thinking I was taking English II. It was the half-yearly exam. And to my surprise, I receive a Math question paper to be answered. I ask my teacher, isn’t it English II today and she says, ‘no my dear it’s on the next day or the very next day.’ (I don’t remember what she said). The shock of receiving the Math paper to answer was indeed too much. What I cannot still believe is, there must have been people outside the hall with some math book or paper with trying to memorize formulae’s and stuff. How did I possibly miss it. I have no clue. But I get into answering and eventually gave the answer sheet and went home.

Now comes the part of answering my dad. He was indeed shocked. Until, now, it used to be forgetting home works, losing pens, slippers, and umbrellas. But this was like, having the exam time-table right in my school dairy, but still forgetting it and going prepared for another exam. That got him worried as to what was happening to the kid and waited till I received my mark sheet. The mark sheet had no change. The marks were in the usual 70s. May be one or two up or down.

Another similar instance in grade 10. For my public exam of 10th and 12th my dad followed my time-table. I did goof up again in my 11th grade. The best was when I goofed up in college. I went for my 3rd semester exams a day early, thinking we start our exams that day. I see a couple of my friends and ask them for the others, wondering why they are not around yet for the exam was going to start in another 20 minutes or so. I still remember the way, a friend of mine named Priya yelled at me. She was like, ‘what the hell are you doing here.’ And I go, that I am here for blah blah blah (the name of the paper that I think that was). At which she says, ‘why on earth do you want to insult us in front of juniors? We (as in the second years) do not start our 3rd semester exams until next week. It’s the arrears of our first semester that we (as in those who have arrears—no wonder most of my classmates are not around—) have come to attend today. So just go home.’

I had a very perplexed look still and went to the hall to check the time-table again. Look at the confidence in the goofing up that I do. She stopped talking to me for a month because of that. And when I go home early and tell this to my granny, she is totally perplexed. The whole family is perplexed as to how I can repeatedly do this. Thank goodness, I didn’t go a day or two later for my exams. If I had done that, I would ended up writing it as an arrear paper in my 5th semester.

It didn’t end there. My friends then started following the time table to me. And during my M.Phil days, my professors called me up to tell me to remind classes for we used to have classes some 2 or 3 days a week and I did forget to go to class once and they had shelved that class. It’s the arguments that I generate were interesting for the HOD that they did not want to have a class without me. Can you believe that. That did make my day. Ofcourse she did scream at me when I said that I had forgotten we had a class that day. I still remember the way a friend of mine cursed me for that. Later, she made it a practice to come home and pick me up before going. I have been really upset and tried a lot to keep myself aware. But have never succeeded.

It continues till this day, and with dad at home I forget to take the house keys too. That’s what I did the other day. The first time it was the keys, the second time it was my cell phone and the third time, it was my work card key. Luckily, dad was there to open the door. If not, I would have locked myself out with me locking and getting out of the house without the house keys one me. Not believing my story of forgetting the exam time-table, R got it confirmed from dad. And ever since, he has given up on me and my forgetfulness. Atleast he has stopped getting exasperated when I forget things.

Funny, how I do remember a lot of stuff. Everyone in the family trusts me for recipes. It just comes out of my head. But then, I do forget to switch off the stove at times which ends up in getting the food burnt. But only some days are that way. There are days when I am totally on my toes. I would end up remembering things that I would feel really weird about myself for remembering.

I have so much of post-its and reminders set at work. And somehow its funny that I have never forgotten anything crucial at work yet.

Nalladhor Veenai

This has been a favorite of mine from my 6th or 7th grade. That was a time when I never seem to understand the song. But loved the way, it was rendered by SPB in K.B’s Varumaiyin Niram Sigappu. The combination of music and the voice were really catchy. Being one of the popular songs of Barathi, this one has been rendered by almost all of the leading singers. But some how, I like this one and the one rendered by Rajkumar Barathi in Ezhavadhu Manidhan the best.

You can also listen to many others if you do a search on Music India Online under S on this page. They have some 3 entries with different spellings for Barathi.

But as years passed and as I started seeing life as it was, some of Barathi’s songs did make me feel better at those moments, when I had felt really down in life. They have taken care to help me bounce back to enthusiasm. They have made me believe that things can be achieved. Helped me to believe in God.

In this particular song the poet portrays a mood where he is very depressed. He is not seeing things go the way he wants it. He has been trying hard and the world does not seem to allow him to go the way he wants. As usual he does the same thing that he does always. Turns to his only solace Sivasakthi or Sakthi as he sometimes calls her. His Mother, God, the Life Giver, his Goddess. He believes in this all pervading energy called Sakthi and is happy at her feet, wanting to keep singing her praises always.

But with so many needs in this life to just make an ordinary living, we get to feel defeated so many times. It’s the soul’s lament not to feel defeated. That’s how I look at this song.

The poet is asking his Sakthi, if she will let him to rot, after having given him everything in the form of raw material. Is it not her duty to take care of the seed sown? That’s crux of this song.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Nalladhor Veenai Seidhey Adhai Nalan Keda Puzhudhiyil Erivadhundo?
Solladi Sivasakthi, Ennai Sudar migum arivudan Padaithu Vittai.
Vallamai Thaarayo, indha maanilam payanura vaazhvadharke?
Solladi Sivasakthi, Nila sumaiyena vaazhndhida puriguvaiyo?

Tell me O’ Sivasakthi, will one throw away into trash—a perfectly crafted musical instrument?
You have created me excellently well with a great wisdom.
Tell me O’ Sivasakthi, will You not give me the strength and power—
To be of any value to Mother Earth or will You let me be a burden on this land?

Visaiyuru bandhinai pol ullam vendiya padi sellum udal ketten
Nasaiaru manam ketten, Nitham navam ena sudar tharum uyir ketten
Dhasaiyinai Thee Sudinum, Sivasakthiyai paadum naal Agam Ketten
Asaivaru Madhi Ketten, Ivai Arulvadhil unnkkedhum thadai ulladho?

All I ask for is—
A body that would obey the commands of my heart—with the swiftness of a thrown ball;
A clean enthusiastic spirit;
A life that springs anew into being daily: bright and energetic;
A pure soul—to sing Your praises even when the skin is scorched by fire;
An unshakable mind—
Do You have any issues in granting me these?

I ask, you write—13 (2)

This is in response to Ammani's I ask, you write -13

When you walked in through their door, you found them both on their hands and knees searching the floor for something. I guess you know what had happened.

On hearing the door bell ring, 7 year old Arun with suppressed laughter gets up. “Divya, hope it is not amma. If it is you are gone. You better find it and wear it before she comes. It cannot be amma. It is not 6.00 pm yet. But if she is early, you are caught.” So saying, he goes to open the door. It was their dad, Krishnan. Arun yells to his granny inside, “Paati, appa is here” and goes back to assist Divya in her search.

Seeing them both on their hands and knees searching the floor, Krishnan knows what they are looking for. “Akka lost her screw appa. Paati does not know yet”, bursts out Arun. He cannot contain himself any longer. This was his chance to be the no mischief kid. “So you did forget to check the screw on the gold ear-ring and lost it around or is it that you dropped it when wearing it?” asks Krishnan in a stiff voice. “Oh appa! Please. I had oil bath today. Had removed it and was trying to wear it myself a few minutes back, when I was standing and wearing it and the back screw just slipped my hand. I am sorry appa, will be careful next time, I promise. Please appa, search it for me. Please before amma could come and create a racket about it” pleaded the 10 year old Divya.

Krishnan was in a way happy to see Divya serious about her mistake. Arun was the real brother now, not fighting and searching for her. He knows the consequence of loosing an heirloom like that. What kind of wrath will Divya be in at his mom’s hands. He had witnessed something of that sort not very long ago. Divya did have an uncanny nature of always dropping things and never serious about it. She is a real kid with all the carelessness of a kid but has always liked wearing jewels much to the dismay of her dad. But being a girl child of a South-Indian Brahmin family, her interest in wearing jewelry was a welcome. The screw in question of this particular ear-ring was auspicious to wear according to her granny and amma. It has been a family heirloom. If only they knew that Divya has dropped it somewhere and is searching for it would mean so much of bad luck to both of them and the poor kid would be in big trouble. Reflecting thus, and seeing them both search, he saw that there was 20 minutes more for Prema to come from office.

“Amma, I am in the children’s room with Divya and Arun. Give me the coffee here.” So saying, he went on his hands and knees and started searching with them for the ear-ring screw.

I ask, you write—15 (1)

My first attempt to Ammani's I ask, you write series. This is in response to I ask, you write 15.

“She was born in 1940. The second of five children born to Vedaranyam Sesadri and Rajalakshmi ammal. She passed away after a brief illness in November 2006. How will Jagada be remembered?”

Meena and Shankar woke to the constant ringing of the phone. Shankar picked up the ringing phone from the dresser and left the bedroom. With the return of silence, Meena pulls up the quilt and looks at the clock to see its just 5.50 am. “Who would be calling at such an odd hour?” So thinking, still groggy from sleep she tries to go back to sleep. Strangely, deep down in her heart, it was something she had expected. Shankar comes back in a few minutes and lies down.

“Meenu, are you awake?” Still hazy, she goes “hmm…?” Somehow, Meena seems to know that Shankar has something not so nice to tell her. “Your mom, passed away a few hours back in India.” “What?” says Meena springing up in the bed, “We spoke to her last night and she did sound fine?” As if to get a confirmation from Shankar, she goes “didn’t she?” Shankar, getting up, equally upset with the news, “it was your brother from Singapore. She has had a cardiac arrest. Your dad had reached him. He called from the airport checking for flights to Madras. I will go make some tea for us. We can think what to do and check out available flights in sometime.” So saying he goes to make the tea.

Meena, still in a state of shock, goes back in time to what lead to her mom’s demise. It was the accident in May on her way back from the temple that made her bedridden in hospital for almost 6 months and eventually took her away from this world in the name of cardiac arrest.

Jagada was never a mom for Meena. Jagada was more of an elder sister, always an equal making Meena, excel in what she was doing. All along, Meena and Jagada have always fought with each other. Like how two sisters would fight with each other. Meena had a tough time as a kid with Jagada as her mother. There was never a dull moment in the family with Meena’s dad and granny always to her rescue. Jagada was another kid in the family with Meena and her brother.

Oh, how much Meena has started understanding her mother after marriage in the last 3 years. She hasn’t been able communicate it all in the few stolen moments of phone calls across continents. The last she had seen her mom was at the airport waving her hand happily seeing Meena going in, to join Shankar in Seattle after her marriage.

Thinking all this, unaware, Meena started crying. She got up thinking that she should call her brother and tell him to go ahead with the ceremony and not wait for her. She would join eventually by the 4th or 5th day. She did not want to see mom. It was more comforting remembering the mom who was waving her hand at Meena.

Rain

Been listening to songs from Guru for sometime now. Listening to Barso Re from Guru in a loop the last few days. Should be more than a week. Sometimes I get hooked up to a particular song and keep listening to it like no other song exists in this world.

Barso Re makes me go back in time to the rain songs of Raja. To the late 80’s and early 90’s. To getting wet in the rain during college days when granma was around. To coming home drenched to a hot cup of coffee or bournvita. To the hot onion pakodas and bajjis made by granma. To the smell of all these welcoming you when you come home. To the hot water waiting for me to wash myself after that eventful ride in PTC. To Granny waiting with all these eagerly for me.

It rained hard during the weekend here in Dallas. I did get wet on Friday. Me and R had Mexican food at our favorite place straight from work. Went home wet. Took a hot shower. Missed the smell of coffee or choclate. Missed the presence of elders in the house. So many things change with age, time, and place.

It was cold winter rain. Not the cool rain of the monsoon. I sometimes miss that. More so when I listen to songs like these.

ps. Yet to see Guru.

Losing a Loved One

A colleague’s father breathed his last, last night. He had been struggling for some months now, so its not very painful to know that she is not going to have her father around anymore. These days; I keep hearing such stuff a lot. Makes me realize that I am growing old. People in my circle are growing old and their parents in turn are growing old. I am not scared of death. It’s something that makes your realize that this life on earth is not going to last an eternity and one day your turn will come. I guess, handling the turn when your loved ones are taken away from you is more painful than that of your end. I cannot say that for sure yet, for I did struggle to come to terms when I lost my loved ones and havent seen mine yet. Especially my granny. I lost her even before she could breathe her last and that really hurt me a lot. This news being the first thing that I heard when I came in today, made me go down memory lane.

The worst part is the void you feel when you know you do not have that person in flesh and blood around you. It’s that void that is way too unsettling to take in. And having her in flesh and blood and you still cannot reach her for she is not available to you in worldly terms is painful. The most is when you see her in pain. Hopefully, all that is gone once the soul leaves the body.

May his soul rest in peace.

WHY?

This article made me write this. First it was the Gaziabad Ashram, then it was a small dalit girl paying her fingers as price for a bunch of spinach, then the Noida killings, and now this. What is wrong with man? This particular post, left me all queasy inside. How can people be so heartless? And to realize that all this is happening around me makes me feel totally depressed. With civilization supposedly at its peak, there is violence everywhere around us. Why? How can man commit such heinous crimes against his brethren? Everywhere around us, we see violence. Where are we going? WHY?

How is 2007 coming along?

With 2006 officially left behind, we start hearing the question, so how is 2007 coming along? Or it is sometimes, how do you like 2007 so far? I find it funny to answer. Every day is a new year by itself. So I do not understand this silly question of how do you find 2007.

For official reasons, financial reasons, for academic reasons, for agricultural reasons and for so many such reasons, I see the need for marking a day as a beginning of the year. It may be like any important day of the year, which serves as a marking for any reason. It could be the equivalent of the equinox for example. But why do we attach so much of importance to this marker than the rest.

On the lighter side of it, I do enjoy the holidays that comes along with it. The feel of the holiday season is always a welcome. Right from my school days, I have been trained to have holidays during this season and during my school days it used to be Christmas holidays or as we used to call it, half-yearly holidays. There was a quarterly holidays too. Alias Pooja holidays for a week to 10 days. The half-yearly holidays were longer. They used to go for more than 10 days and not more than 15.

Those days were fun. Playing around, reading Amar Chitra Katha, Tinkle, Chandamama and the like. With granny preparing many different things to eat. Also, with the many holidays coming in, mom and dad used to be at home. They were mostly fun but for the times when me and brother used to have a fight and sulk around for sometime. But thinking back even that was fun. More than the New Year concept, it used to the fun of the whole family together that made them special. Guess that’s what makes such holidays fun and makes us get nostalgic at times like this.

As we grow up we start asking a lot of questions and the novelty of many things in life is lost. Once the television came in, it started having programs for the New Year’s Eve. It used to be an attraction for a couple of years. That’s the first time, I heard that term, and I remember asking my teacher what it means. But I still haven’t grasped the feel of what is so important about it to go about making such a big racket on account of it. There can be so many eve(s) that we can follow as a tradition where we can have the same racket.

One thing that I have understood over the years, people need some reason to freak out and enjoy. They just cannot enjoy for the very sake of enjoying. And I haven’t still understood why. One thing I have come to dislike over the years are those programs that these different channels churn out to hold their audience during such festive times. Eeeks… they just gobble up the time without you being aware that they have taken your time off.

As a resolution, I have decided not to watch too much TV this year. As it is I watch less and I am going to refrain from watching even that little and use that time to do more reading. Let me see how it goes. That way if someone asks me around March as to how is 2007 coming along, I would have something different to answer too. I might even look forward to someone asking me such a question.

Acham Illai

This is a one of the many favorites again. This one is on the FEAR that ends up engulfing us many times due to many reasons. Every time, I listen to it, I wonder what would have propelled the poet to come up with a song like this. I always question the mind set, that he must have had when he came up with the lyrics. Wondering at all these makes me pay repeated salutes to the Mahakavi.

1. The poet is not very happy in his personal life.
2. He is not happy with the way India is still under the British rule.
3. He is not understood by many and is not bothered about it.
4. He is been accused of causing disturbances among people and is searched by the police for coming up with songs and writings favoring the Freedom Movement.
5. Not wanting to land up in the Jail, he has been repeatedly running away to Pondicherry.

With so much happening in his life, I am not sure when he wrote this poem. But the way he had written it is surely sometime, when he must have let himself to fear for some brief moments or when some one must have really tried to create fear in him. Or it could even be, seeing the fear in people’s eyes around him as a result of the British rule, he might have sung it to make people get out the fear and go ahead with their duty and believe in themselves.

What I like most about the song is with all the serious stuff, he has also added young women casting their eyes upon him. That is where he talks about diversion. You can find so many different layers of meaning into the song. Just go ahead in your path and eventually you will be where you want to be. Have no fear. That is how I take this song for me. Whatever this song has a way of making you feel confident in doing your stuff after listening to it and has been a favorite of mine right from my 2nd grade or 3rd grade.

The refrain Acham Illai has a nice ring to it and SPB would have sung it beautifully in the movie called Ezhavadhu Manithan. L. Vaidhiyanathan had a very different way of composing music for the same. One of my favorite rendition of the song.

You can hear all the songs from the movie Ezhavadhu Manithan here. It also has the above said one. Lyrics for all the songs in that movie were Mahakavi’s.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye
Ichagathullor ellam edhirthu nindra podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!
Let the whole world turn against and confront me;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Thuchamaga enni nammai thooru seidha podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I am treated as dust and be abused
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Pichai vaangi unnum vaazhkai petru vitta podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I have to beg for food;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Ichai konda porul ellam ezhandhu vitta podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let it be that I have lost all that is close to my heart;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Kachanidha Kongai Maadhar Kangal Veesum Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let young beautiful women cast their eyes on me;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Nachai Vayile Konarndhu Nanbar Ootum Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let a friend feed me poison;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Pachai Yuniyaindha Verpadaigal Vandha Podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let an army come clad in their military uniform;
I have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Uchi meedhu vaan idindhu veezhugindra podhilum
Acham Illai, Acham Illai, Acham enbadhillaiye

Let the sky come crumbling down on my head;
I still have no fear. No, not a trace of it!

Looking back at 2006

The last few years of my life have been struggling hard to make me grow up; but the whiny that I am, am not ready to grow up no matter what. My brother used to quote a quote always—author unknown—that ‘insecurity and pain is inherent in growth.’ This particular quote he has to say for anything and everything I do; for I was one late bloomer in everything in my life. Don’t get me wrong that I have been dumb. I was always late in doing anything in life in general. Now do not get me wrong. I have had my happy moments and am at peace with myself when I doing this flashback today. But I have this knack to shut myself from any kind of unhappiness that might come my way. I could be called an escapist. I try to get away from that situation, mentally, and just live in a happy time or space that I want to be in. Physically, I always confront—need to look brave to my own eyes you see—but mentally, somehow, I find a route to escape. Sometimes its friends, sometimes its books, sometimes its music, sometimes its movies, sometimes it’s a new course—not necessarily in the same order—and so on and so forth.

But 2005 and 2006 were like—no matter how much you try to find a route—we are not going to let you escape this time. This time my buddy you gotta make your attempt to grow. (Dunno if I grew, but couldn’t escape a lot of events that happened, and eventually haven’t come to terms with some yet).

2006 started on a very unhappy note for me. Actually 2005 was a mixed year that left its traces really hard on 2006.

1. Mom met with an accident in May 2005.
2. Granny passed away in June 2005 after being bedridden for more than 43 months.
3. We became permanent residents in July 2005.
4. Mom passed away in November 2005.

Those were the major events of 2005. One of that was responsible for me being in India—in Trishur—when 2006 dawned. It was just me and my dad in Trishur in that lovely house which we both enjoyed like anything. I still miss that place and the house and the lovely time that I had with my dad.

January and February went away in traveling. R made a visit to India when I was there. Stayed with me and Dad in Trishur. Those times were good. The visit to our native temple in N was the icing on the cake. It was one of the festive times, being Thai Maasam, and we were lucky to have lunch at the temple. That is something that R will never forget in his life. Neither can I or dad. Infact it was the first time that dad has had food at the temple. It was really good. And we just enjoyed the whole day except for the part of missing mom. She is the one who would have gotten all excited about the whole thing.

But by now, I am in my escape mode and was reading a lot during this time. It was during those days, that I got hooked up to watching Malayalam movies once again. [I am enjoying it so much again these days after my visit to India. I bought some VCDs from the Music World. :)] Saw a lot of movies, kept talking with dad, took some long walks with him in Trishur. Visited temples and some how tryied to stay away from the reality that mom is not around.

February, I came back to Dallas feeling as miserable as I could, leaving my dad to be all alone all by himself. It used to eat me a lot and upset me quite sometimes thinking how he is handling the whole stuff. And then at times, I thought of my brother as to how he is handling it. None of the phone calls ever made to him or my dad made me come to terms with myself. After a phone call to my brother, I end up even more upset realizing that he is equally as upset as me, but is just trying to just ignore it and accept it in his own way.

For a few weeks after return, I had bad health, and when returning, I lost my luggage and at last felt funny and awkward when I reached Dallas. By March, I had to travel again. [Looked like at last God did give me a signal that mentally escaping from situations were cool.] So there I was making new friends and getting to do some work after 2 years of break. Initially was scared that I might not remember any of what I have done. But eventually, I got going and was happy with myself. Being in this new job meant that I stay away from R for sometime. Of course we ended up visiting during weekends, but it was sorta hectic.

Looking back at it now, it was fun with all the sadness in it for my mom would have been really happy to know that I started working again. And above all, it took away everything from my mind for sometime with me and R meeting each other over the weekends, so it was a new place, new people and new lifestyle for a couple of months. Made some new friends who still are in contact even after me leaving that city. Feels good when I say that. :) Funny as we grow old, it becomes more difficult to make friends and stay in constant touch with them. Age has something to do with being open to accept people as they are.

June came and it was one year since my granny had passed away. My granny was one person who molded me to what I am today. She was a very loveable personality. We all feel bad that we did not feel the pain of her demise for she was bedridden for almost close to 4 years. After a few months of her being bedridden, we realized that we had lost her. Its only a matter of time before she breathes her last. That pain of losing her was felt a long time ago so much so that when she passed away it was not that painful. What with mom’s accident a month earlier to granny's demise, we sort of forgot granny for a few days when my mom’s condition was critical. Remembering all that made me so guilty and heavy for so many days and at times tried talking to her like she was around.

So eventually with all that done, dad felt a little at terms with himself and decided to visit my brother abroad. That was a mighty step that we made dad take at last. An achievement for the two of us (me and my brother).

And so went July and August. And September made me remember mom and my parents wedding day propelled me to start logging at blogspot. Writing that day did ease my heart a lot and that’s when I made up mind that I am going to write more. I haven’t been able to do that consistently due to both busy-ness and lazy-ness. But honestly, I have been really busy the last few months. But whatever little I had written, has made me feel good. With that came the habit of reading so many web logs. As of now, am still enjoying it. Guess this is the escape this time. Whatever, the end taste that it leaves is good. So until the time I am enjoying it guess I would continue doing it.

Came October and I was all set to go for my mom’s anniversary. I couldn’t believe that it had been a year. And what a hectic schedule in life it was. For 3 weeks of stay with my dad and brother, I literally had wheels in my feet before the trip to complete things here and time just vanished like anything there… 3 weeks went away like 3 days. But anyways, I documented all that was required for future reference and think I did everything well so that my mom’s spirit would have reached the place that is supposed to be. (Although I am skeptic about all this, she believed it so blindly, so couldn’t help not doing it. It was like, she was there asking me why am I not doing it for her.) One good thing out of the whole stuff is, I know how to tie madisaar now without any help from anyone. WOO HOO! What an achievement! Both my granny and my mom would have been very proud to know that I can tie it all by myself.

There was one lovely thing of this whole India trip. Got to spend some quality time with my brother and got to meet a couple friends who mean the world to me. It had been almost 5 years since I spent some quality time with my brother and meeting those friends were equally next to impossible for my kind of life-style and their do not match. Added to this, you can add the difference of place and time. So that was really a lucky time for all of us to be able to meet one another. That one week when I was able to think that I have gone back to my college days, with my dad and brother around at the same time and my friends who mean the most to me, I was really as close to heaven as I could be. And this time, we were able to visit Thirupathi. My... that place does have a way of making you feel content and calm inspite of all the buzzing activity around you. Life seemed blessed then.

November I am back in Dallas trying to get back in routine. But not without struggle though. What an eventful return flight it was. Anyways was back in Dallas and tried assimilating a lot of stuff. This year was indeed a roller coaster ride for me. There were real real highs and deep lows. But things have been that way from 2000. But something was at peace this year within me that I am unable to explain. I have never felt this all these years but I can now, with 2006 coming to a close. Dunno if its because I started this logging, or its because I know that I did all that I could do for mom, the way she wanted, or is it that I was able to meet and be with people who mean the most to me during this year.

Or is it that I am happy with myself and am at last learning to grow and accept the truth that there has to be pain and insecurity when growing… so just accept it and move ahead! There are times when it hurts to realize that you understand you mother better after marriage. It hurts more when you realize there is no way to communicate it to her to make her understand how much you love her. But then there are times that make me think, well if she were around she may not be happy to depend on someone after the accident. So God decided what was best for her and the family. Seeing her struggle would have been more painful for all of us. Oh yeah! We do not want that for her. We did see granny struggle.

Whatever, with the year coming to a close, I some how feel that I have grown old and I do not like it. I just wish I could get back to my teens and feel secure in the arms of my granny and have a chat in the terrace with my dad, brother and friends, with my mom and granny waiting on us down below. Ofcourse mom was busy watching TV and granny was keeping herself busy with something or the other or it would be the two of them in a conversation. If only I could turn back time?

Kireedom—Mohanlal (VCD)

During the last 3 odd days of leave, I saw Kireedom, a Malayalam movie starring Mohanlal, Parvathy and many others. These days, I have become a major fan of Mohanlal. Not that I haven’t been earlier. But you could say, I am reviving that old spirit of seeing movies that I had during my college days :-)

What captivated me was the characterization of Sethu done my Mohanlal. He had bagged a national award for the same. He brings out the portrayal of a veetukku adangina pillai, whose life goes hayway and he is not in control of it. In the process, his parents misunderstand him, he loses his sweet heart. And the way he performs is just too good. Every bit that is required but not a pinch more or a pinch less. Just what is needed to bring Sethu alive. And I still have Sethu in front of my mental eyes after 3 days of watching it. Excellent movie indeed. Everyone has performed well. But then Mohanlal was Sethu himself.

Ninnai Charanadaindhen

This is my all time favorite of our brave poet. The heart feels so defeated after making its regular pursuit in search of wealth, fame and all the goodness of life. The heart is so disappointed in its failures and is not sure if it would succeed.

It is tired and is not happy with the world it see around with the whole world in pursuit of material pleasures with no love for each other. And yearns to submit totally to just enjoy the bliss of being and doing every action as a direction from the all pervading One!

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannama,
Ninnai Charanadaindhen

I submit unto You Kannama,
I submit unto You!

Ponnai Uyarvai Pugazhai Virumbidum,
Ennai Kavalaigal Thinna Dhagathendru

Bless me that I would not end up being eaten up with worries and strife
In this worldly pursuit of material wealth, fame and betterment of life.

Midimayum Achamum Mevi En Nenjil
Kudimai Pugundhana Kondravai Pokkendru

Chaos and fear have taken abode in my heart
Pushing me down, that I do not achieve greatness.

Than Seyal Enni Thavipadhu Theerndhingu,
Nin Seyal Seithu Niravu Perum Vannam

Bless me, that I would stop worrying—About
My actions and perform my every action,
Believing them to be your direction—and
In that process let me attain completion.

And now the soul has submitted. It is so happy that it has submitted. The soul is please with everything around it. It is rejoicing in its submission—

Thunbam Ini Illai Sorvillai Thorpillai,
Anbu Neriyil Arangal Valartheeda

There is no more pain, being tired or any more failures—So
Come, let us build Karma in the name of Love.

Nalladhu Theeyadhu Naam Ariyom Annai
Nalladhu Nattuga Themaiyai Ottuga

O Mother! We know not what is right from wrong—we are just doing,
Please remove the wrongs and the let the goodness prevail.

Expecations and Disappointments???

One of the major stand points of Buddha was that desire is the root cause of all misery. He asked man to despise desire if he wanted to get away from misery.

Me humbly thinks expectation would fit in very well for desire. And say, expecation is the root cause of all disappointments.

There is so much that can be answered in life if we could only understand expectation. I read somewhere about the cause and effect stuff that seems to be ruling everything in this world. That can be equated very well to expectation and the result of an expectation. When the result suits us, we are so thrilled and happy about it. But otherwise, we end up being down in the dumps.

It all starts with an unusual thing happening some day. Then the same thing happens another day, and then another day in quick succession. It could be anything from someone saying a HI to your husband buying you flowers on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. And eventually, having had that happen a couple of times too often, the next step is to look forward to it. And oops ... there comes a day when you are forgotten (or for some genuine reason) and the Hi or the flowers do not come your way. You are down in the dumps and get angry at the one who hasn’t delivered the Hi or the flowers.

But tell me, is it fair on our part to get angry? Of course we have returned the Hi and said thanks when receiving something. I didn’t ask him/her to tell me a Hi or get me flowers. I am not that uncultured not thank or return the Hi. But then, was it right on my part, in the first place, to get angry at that person who hasn’t delivered at that time? Wasn’t it my expectation that had the bruises? Is it not me who is responsible for letting it take over me? Eventually sometimes we do communicate our anger. With all the ifs and buts and what nots. But there are some instances where we do not and keep holding a grudge.

That was just an example of straight-forward expectation. But in real life, there are so many instances which unfortunately are not straight-forward. There is so much of stuff that we take for granted in this world and expect it in a cultured conversation for we are living in a civilized world. But the irony is does it exist? (I mean the civilized world and the cultured conversation—is it not still a world only the fittest survives and did we not learn when we were kids that, that was the law of the jungle—please correct me if I am wrong) Why do I expect someone to understand and behave like a civilized human being?

Just because I think I am living in a civilized world does not necessarily mean the opposite party has to think the same and display civilized behavior. What exactly is a civilized behavior? Who defines it? And does this person who interacts with me follow the same definition as mine. For if not, we are bound to cross boundaries and eventually end up have a rough phase in our relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship or whatever it is. The same can be applied to any community. Be it real world or virtual.

I had thought I had mastered to be away from that mode of expecting after all the depressing times that I have had way back in life. But unfortunately, or is it fortunate for to expect is also to be hopeful and being hopeful is good. (Again, someone correct me if I am wrong, that was what I was taught in school, but then, these days I am unlearning a lot of things that I learnt as a child—so I may be wrong again) I realized only yesterday that I am not yet above that.

These days it’s a different kinda expectation. When I log into e bloggler, looking for any comments, for the last few days I have been receiving at least one. And I have stared looking forward to it now. That’s when I realized that I could fall into the rut of expecting very soon. So to remind myself what could happen when I start expecting, I realized let me refresh my memory of the disappointments associated with expectations.

They really go hand in hand. Some of us get depressed with disappointments, while some go raving and ranting, while some have learnt to just brush it and go forward. How I envy them. I am the first kind and eventually read a book to get out of it.

Now, now, now, writing on this topic doesn’t mean that I am disappointed and depressed about something. Neither does it mean I have grown out of the mode of expecting. I am just happy at this moment in life, thanking God for this wonderful life that I am living with all that I have and also with all that I do not have. Thanks Aanju! Thanks a lot!

ps. Aanju—means Aanjaneyar in my dictionary :)

should I blog under an assumed identity?

I came across some posts where people seem to have either an issue of identity crisis or an issue with anonymous comments. It was this exchange between Premalatha and myself that propelled me to write this post.

Although there a lot of common ground issues in both of these posts, they are essentially two different things all together.

Scenario One: The writer is an anonymous writer who chooses not to divulge his/her true identity but assumes another one and maintains both of them seperately. S/he writes under a pseudonym.

Are we really anonymous when we decide to retain a particular pseudonym? I do not think so for in this case it’s just that the author happens to have an assumed name. S/he is not anonymous. So as in the case of The Visitor, s/he is not anonymous. Just uses another pseudonym and is not known in his/her real identity to the real world. I see a lot of uses in this.

1. There is no information about me in the net…WOW I am non-traceable
2. I can reveal what I want to and how much I want to through my posts
3. As the visitor says, there is no baggage information attached with the post for the reader to presume a stand in the first place.
4. Enables the author to express more freely
5. The created anonymity helps when trying to express opinions on topics that are bound to create ripples.

I would not be judged when I voice it out, for the reader does not have any baggage information about me. I many times wonder if I should do that myself—write under a pseudonym. Would like to try out and see if that helps me to express myself better.

There are so many different things that bind each one of us from voicing ourselves exactly how we feel and be as honest as we would want ourselves to be. Most of us would never go to discussing controversial topics just because, we might end up hurting someone or end up losing a friend and so on and so forth. But there are times when there is confusion as to who you really are for yourself, when using a pseudonym. You have one that is your virtual identity and another one which is that of your real life. They both are bound to cross boundaries after a period of time. It depends on how much can you handle. As long as you are happy and comfortable I guess it should work.

Look at me yakking away.. but I am unable to decide for myself if I want a virtual identity I am not sure.. may be... not yet.. but then, my blog is hardly visited so its easy for me retain my personality for blogging or is it that I am shying off controversial topics, honestly no answer yet…

Scenario Two: The one who leaves comments in the page of the original writer is anonymous who chooses not to divulge his identity (any, be it real life or virtual) but assumes ‘a holier than thou’ moral stand and passes a judgment.

In this scenario, as long as the commenter agrees with the writer, there is no issue. Its only when s/he ends up putting a comment, and not divulging his/her identity that all hell breaks loose. You know what happens in this case—it could actually be one the writes known people who are scared to come up with open comments on the work and they have to voice their opinion but be invisible about it. I say, I wouldn’t like that either. But then, again, excepting deleting unwanted comment, we cannot do much about it.

Its like, the shop is open, and so we do not have a choice in the kind of people who come to shop. We can, may be refrain from selling from some people. But, even that is illegal in the real terms of doing it. This scenario is close to a helpless scenario if the comment is for one of our rants. As it is we have had a tough time and are upset about something and we are just using our notice board to express why we dislike it. Not enough of that, someone has to give a contradicting opinion and above all not leave a name for us to give them a reply. How are we to know that that anonymous person visited the page again and read our reply? ARGH! How very irritating. These commentators are the cowards. They are scared to have their name associated with their names. But there are some positive commentators out there who would like to remain anonymous too. They just choose not to have a face. I cannot say that they are cowards. But still there is some amount of cowardice in that too.

Whatever, in both scenarios the author wants not to be identified. But I somehow approve of the earlier case and not the latter. But then, again, as I had said in my comment on Premalatha’s post, I most of the times am the passive kind. I some how hate confrontations. I shy away from it. I know I am not being honest in the process but I cannot do the sweet talk either. The people I confront are the ones I love and I care about. So most of the times when they do not hear my opinion it is because, I don’t want to give a disagreeing remark to someone (about something), who cannot handle that remark and start an argument. When actually, I wouldn’t be interested in even letting them know what I think. For that’s the taste such arguments let me be with at the end of it all. Not worth it.

Been there, lost a few friends and learnt from it all. I don’t care much these days except for the few chosen ones who can tolerate me and accept me as I am. They were meant to go one day or the other, its just that this was the cause they chose. They weren’t comfortable with us 100% right from day one. That’s how I look at it. End of it all, its my happiness that’s in question and I want to be happy. If being associated with such creeps is going to destroy my happy self, seriously, is it worth the effort? I guess the same can be applied to the community of blogging world.

Here you have 3 kinds of visitors.

1. The ones who leave a comment and their names.
2. The ones that leave a comment but not their names.
3. The passive kind (kinds like me, who visit a lot of blogs but never bother commenting).

Its for the latter two that we try to make friends or, it would sometimes be like our real life friends visit our blogs and put in comments there. Some of our ravings and rantings would eventually make them get angry or upset for they would have been in someway responsible for that particular rant and would disagree and have a major outbreak with us. Honestly, is all this really worth the effort. Why do we need to care in the first place?

My passive attitude—let me learn from all the constructive criticism that I get and ignore the destructive ones.

During the holiday times all that I have to convey blogging community is be happy and continue to blog. That gives you solace so enjoy it totally and ignore anything that comes in the way of your enjoyment. Believe blindly that they do not exist and just enjoy the bliss of blogging.

Desa Muthumaari

In this song Barathiyaar personifies the all pervading Goddess Shakthi as Desa Muthumaari. It is a lovely poem where the soul in pursuit of worldly riches feels defeated and is upset about the failures and the still yearning for more. And to that soul, he says, submit unto Her and rejoice and be happy in this world and in the life that you lead.

Sometimes, I feel was it to himself that he wrote these. It sure is from an anguished soul. You can make that out from the lyrics that the author wants to just submit no questions asked.

Note: I have transliterated the Tamil lyrics. They are bold and italicized
with the translation being followed in regular font.It is a crude translation
and is my humble attempt in translating my favorite poet.

Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari
Kedadhanai Neekiduvai, Kettavaram Tharuvai

After having searched all over I come to You and submit unto You DM!
Remove all impurities and bestow me with the boons I ask.

Paadiyunai Charanadaindhen Paasamellam Kalaivai
Kodi Nalan Cheidhiduvai Kuraigallellam Theerpai

Singing your praises I submit unto you. Remove all sorts of love and affections I have.
Bless me with goodness and remove all my inaccuracies.

Eppozhudhum Kavalaiyile Enangi Nirpan Paavi
Oppiyunadheval Seiven, Unadharulal Vaazhven

I am always drowned in misery and sorrow about one thing or the other,
Will accept you and answer your beck and call, will live this life as a fruit of your blessing.

Shakthiyendru Neramellam Thamizh Kavidhai Paadi
Bhakthiyudam Potri Nindral Bayamanaithum Theerum

By singing Tamil poems in the name of shakthi at all times with devotion,
All these unwanted and fears will cease to exist!

Aadharam Shakthiendrey Arumaraigal Koorum
Yaadhenum Thozhil Purivom, Yaadhum Aval Thozhilaam

All scriptures lead unto Shakthi as the centre of everything.
Let us do some work to lead a life, all work are her work.

Thunbamey Iyarkaiennum Sollai Marandhiduvom
Inbamey Vendi Nirpom Yaavum Aval Tharuvaal

Let us forget that pain is but natural and
Ask her for only happiness and she would give all that we need in plenty.

Nambinaar Keduvadhillai Idhu Naangu Marai Theerpu
Ambigaiyai Charanpugundhal Adhiga Varam Peralam

Believe and thou shall not be let down, is how all religions and scriptures conclude
Belive in Her and Submit unto Her to She would bless you abundantly!

Update on 10/9/2007 Tuesday:

I found this version by Rajkumar Barati's Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari from You Tube. He has done a great job and I saw/listened to it quite a few times.

But somehow, I still like the version of Unni Krishnan better.

making an attempt to translate some of barathi's poems

I have just a handful of people (and they can be counted in one hand without all fingers used) who I think visit my blog occasionally. As a result any comment that gets there is way too precious for me. And in that I have had this visitor, Vi leaving a comment on my post of December 11 asking me if I have any translations on Bharathi.

That triggered a thought of why not try an attempt of translating my favorite poet. Long ago, I had tried translating the very two songs that I had mentioned in the December 11 post for a friend. Those two are the ones that are most close to my heart. They have always haunted me. So I end up singing them often and some of my friends would like to know how come, I listen to the same verse so many times and keep singing the same most of the times. But then, they are the top two of the whole book that I love. Tried locating them but unfortunately couldn’t locate them.

So I have decided to translate one every week—starting with the ones that I love the most of the great poet—and post it here. Not that I get many visitors to get feedback. But then, that would be something that—that as in doing the translation in the first place—would make me feel really good.

Thanks for the inspiration Vi.

a few more links added today...

But still a long way to go.

I still have lot of links to be tagged to this page. But then, today, I added a few. Though still incomplete better than what it was a couple of days back :)

Its Bharathiyaar's B/day today!

This is one of the many songs of Barathi (my favorite poet—the one who made me enjoy my mother tongue so much). I chose this for today for that’s the kind of mood that I am in. I have been way too restless for a long time now, and the ego in me is just not ready to submit (to submit to myself—do I make any sense?)

Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannama,
Ninnai Charanadaindhen
Ponnai Uyarvai Pugazhai Virumbidum
Ennai Kavalaigal Thinna Dhagathendru

Midimayum Achamum Mevi En Nenjil
Kudimai Pugundhana Kondravai Pokkendru
Than Seyal Enni Thavipadhu Theerndhingu,
Nin Seyal Seithu Niravu Perum Vannam

And now the soul has submitted and is rejoicing its submission--

Thunbam Ini Illai Sorvillai Thorpillai
Anbu Neriyil Arangal Valartheeda
Nalladhu Theeyadhu Naam Ayiom
Annai Nalladhu Nattuga Themaiyai Ottuga

I had liked this in particular, for that man was never understood even by his people who should have when he lived. And this song particularly, I feel is the lament of the soul that is so disturbed in not knowing clearly what it wants and just goes around the world living. So much is conveyed in this song. I cannot say how much I love this one, the way it is constructed, so simple yet with so many layers of meaning embedded in it. The same concept is conveyed in some of his muthumari songs too. But this one in particular, has the refrain Kannama, and the way he submits his ego and everything to Kannama, the all pervading Shakthi and just gets back to his normal cheerful self.

I personally feel its when there is so much of restlessness that’s happening in this mind and soul, the soul is so very upset that it wants peace and reaches a point where it submits to enjoy the bliss of submitting. You can feel that in this song. And Unnikrishnan, sings them beautifully. He does a decent job with both the songs mentioned here.

There is another one in the same tenor, which goes,

Thedi Unnai Charanadaindhen Desa Muthumari
Kedadhanai Neekiduvai, Kettavaram Tharuvai

Paadiyunai Charanadaindhen Paasamellam Kalaivai
Kodinalan Cheidhiduvai Kuraigallellam Theerpai

Eppozhudhum Kavalaiyile Enangi Nirpan Paavi
Oppiyun Eval Seiven, Unadharulal Vaazhven

Shakthiyendru Neramellam Thamizh Kavidhai Paadi
Bhakthiyudam Potri Nindral Bayamanaithum Theerum

Aadharam Shakthiendrey Arumaraigal Koorum
Yaadhenum Thozhil Purivom, Yaadhum Aval Thozhilaam

Thunbamey Iyarkaiennum Sollai Marandhiduvom
Inbamey Vendi Nirpom Yaavum Aval Tharuvaal

Nambinaar Keduvadhillai Idhu Naangu Marai Theerpu
Ambigaiyai Charanpugundhal Adhiga Varam Peralam

Why is it that my ego is not able to submit with no questions asked? WHY?

So who is the loser here?

I remember reading a long time back in one of Adrienne Rich’s poem (or was it TS Eliot’s Cocktail Party—for that’s also about relationships and marriage), that having an argument is better than silence. What she tries to tell there is that it’s better to argue than to be silent and let the other person assume that you accept their view point. Most of the times, to avoid an argument or a discussion, we end up remaining silent. We just do not bother letting the opposite party know what we really feel about. That attitude of ours actually creeps into a lot of our daily activities. Where we refrain from the opposite party knowing what we really feel about something.

But then, that is not effective communication. You have to ‘spell it out’ as to what you really feel. That’s healthy communication. But then, that’s what leads many a times to various degrees and shades of an argument. So how can it be good? I am lost here.

I initially thought that the attitude of holding on to information was woman thing. For haven’t we heard people say that understanding a woman is close to impossible, and that a woman never tells exactly what she feels. I did believe in that a lot, for I had remained quiet in so many discussions not bothering to let the group know what I feel honestly about. Not that I lied, or that I hid the truth. Unless questioned directly, I generally refrained from commenting. But as I started growing up, I did start realizing that even men have that attitude. It’s to again just avoid unnecessary conflicts or confrontations and in the process never bother to say what they have in mind or what they really feel.

So who is the loser here? I often ponder without an answer.

TGIF!!!

Dunno what has gotten into me. This was one horrible week I had. I cannot say that I am neither the kind that gets blues on Monday morning nor the one that gets excited that its Thursday today. For I do do that occasionally. But this week was totally different. Right from last Saturday or was it a hangover of the last week, I just do not remember.

I was lazy to get out of my bed all the five days. (nothing new, but then, at least one day of the week I usually feel happy to get out of the bed—guess it’s the cold weather, where you just want to be in the bed after awakening and when you do not get that… you just yearn for more).

Hasn’t been that greatly a productive week at work either. Tried tying up all loose ends and as a result my status report has no progress, its like I was stuck at last week. I hate that with a deadline coming up and things not getting done yet both from my end and from the other end. But anyways, eventually we (as in me and my manager) postponed our deadlines. (Hurrah! That calls in for a celebration. Woo Hoo)

This week has been one of my coldest winters in the US so far … (again not that I have lived some 10 winters here.. this technically is my 3 winter, but actually its my second winter for last year I was in India between November and February. Also, I would say this is my first for this is the first winter I get out of the house on a daily basis when the day is actually cold as in, in the mornings). I hate it when the wind blows like the way it does—I mean the wind chill. Inside my gloves and jacket, my fingers go numb.

I have started reading Ponniyin Selvan and going to work means, I need to wait till I get time in the evening to read and even then, its some pages that I get to read for I gotta get things around the house and get dinner done, (don’t forget we ate thrice out this week) and of course got to get lunch done for I am one finicky woman who has to take her lunch with her.

And have I identified what it is that makes me hate this week so much and rejoice that its Friday today. Nope. Not a clue. But am right now so thrilled, excited, overjoyed, delighted, animated, elated, so pleased with myself, so pleased with everyone around me, I can actually keep smiling now for next couple of hours. And all this for what?

Thank God it’s Friday! I can sleep all I want for the next two days! And read all the time my favorite PS. WOW, isn’t life beautiful?

Falling head over heels in Love with Ponniyin Selvan—All Over Again!!!

I have been reading Ponniyin Selvan for the second time. The first time I read was sometime in 2001-2002. My tamil reading is not that fluent, as in am not a fast reader when it comes to tamil, but I can still read and am really really proud about that. Also, am thankful to my teacher and dad for struggling to make me write and read the language and all the patience they had with me when I was learning it. But for them, I wouldn’t be enjoying reading books like these. But this time, me thinks, that I have improved a lot from where I was a few years back in reading tamil, for I am reading real fast and in 2 weeks I finished Book 1 or is it the craze of PS that’s making me read it fast, I do not know. Whatever, I am in Book 2 and am enjoying the conversations between Poonghuzhali and Vandhiyathevan right now. Just way too good. I almost feel like, I am a spectator in that boat with Samudra Kumari and Vallavaraayan on Bay of Bengal, on my journey to Singalam, when they happen to spot those islands from afar in the sea. The way he uses the word Maragatham to mention the color of the land from afar on sea is just superb.

The novel as such leaves a lot things for you to imagine in between the lines and the way Kalki has done the characterization of each characters is just way too awesome. Every one of them, come alive in front of your eyes and you can picture them with even the dress that they are wear. The language that he uses, the simple urainadai thamizh, I am at a loss of words here to talk about that. All in all it’s a treat to read PS no matter how many times.

My Heartfelt Thanks to:

1. Kalki—for having written something like that in the first place—thanks for the wonderful gift that we still enjoy way after you are gone.
2. Miss Rani and Miss Kamala—for the amount of patience they had in teaching me thamizh at school.
3. My Dad—for putting that fight in making me read and write thamizh all through those years and for introducing me to lovely world of Kalki and his novels. For the way he used to talk about the characters of these novels. And the way he still is there for me to discuss after reading each volume.
4. My Mom—for all the wonderful stories she said and the way she used to get animated when discussing PS which also was a reason for me to read the book.

Thank you lord for giving me this wonderful life with so many different lovely things to enjoy! Makes life worth living it!

existential dilemmas~!@#$%^

I am going to India for 3 weeks. I am leaving on the 13th of October and am going to be with my brother for a week in Dubai before going to Inida. Of course the Dubai part is exciting but the whole idea of the trip is exciting although it is not aimed at fun.

For the sake of those 3 weeks off, I am having a mad rush at work and am almost working most of the weekends. On top of that, I released something yesterday knowing very well that it was just complete and not excellently complete if you know the difference between the two.

I have a deadline for the end of October and am running against time to wind up things for the 12th for I am not going to be at work from the 13th. It really is a mad rush that’s happening both at work and home with my dear husband pitching in at everything possible. And after all this, the minute I land in India, it would be another mad rush before I take the flight to leave back to the US.

Sometimes I really wonder, why are we doing all this, and where are we going? Guess this is what my friend means when he says existential dilemmas?