So who is the loser here?

I remember reading a long time back in one of Adrienne Rich’s poem (or was it TS Eliot’s Cocktail Party—for that’s also about relationships and marriage), that having an argument is better than silence. What she tries to tell there is that it’s better to argue than to be silent and let the other person assume that you accept their view point. Most of the times, to avoid an argument or a discussion, we end up remaining silent. We just do not bother letting the opposite party know what we really feel about. That attitude of ours actually creeps into a lot of our daily activities. Where we refrain from the opposite party knowing what we really feel about something.

But then, that is not effective communication. You have to ‘spell it out’ as to what you really feel. That’s healthy communication. But then, that’s what leads many a times to various degrees and shades of an argument. So how can it be good? I am lost here.

I initially thought that the attitude of holding on to information was woman thing. For haven’t we heard people say that understanding a woman is close to impossible, and that a woman never tells exactly what she feels. I did believe in that a lot, for I had remained quiet in so many discussions not bothering to let the group know what I feel honestly about. Not that I lied, or that I hid the truth. Unless questioned directly, I generally refrained from commenting. But as I started growing up, I did start realizing that even men have that attitude. It’s to again just avoid unnecessary conflicts or confrontations and in the process never bother to say what they have in mind or what they really feel.

So who is the loser here? I often ponder without an answer.