But 2005 and 2006 were like—no matter how much you try to find a route—we are not going to let you escape this time. This time my buddy you gotta make your attempt to grow. (Dunno if I grew, but couldn’t escape a lot of events that happened, and eventually haven’t come to terms with some yet).
2006 started on a very unhappy note for me. Actually 2005 was a mixed year that left its traces really hard on 2006.
- Mom met with an accident in May 2005.
- Granny passed away in June 2005 after being bedridden for more than 43 months.
- We became permanent residents in July 2005.
- Mom passed away in November 2005.
Those were the major events of 2005. One of that was responsible for me being in India—in Trishur—when 2006 dawned. It was just me and my dad in Trishur in that lovely house which we both enjoyed like anything. I still miss that place and the house and the lovely time that I had with my dad.
January and February went away in traveling. R made a visit to India when I was there. Stayed with me and Dad in Trishur. Those times were good. The visit to our native temple in N was the icing on the cake. It was one of the festive times, being Thai Maasam, and we were lucky to have lunch at the temple. That is something that R will never forget in his life. Neither can I or dad. Infact it was the first time that dad has had food at the temple. It was really good. And we just enjoyed the whole day except for the part of missing mom. She is the one who would have gotten all excited about the whole thing.
But by now, I am in my escape mode and was reading a lot during this time. It was during those days, that I got hooked up to watching Malayalam movies once again. [I am enjoying it so much again these days after my visit to India. I bought some VCDs from the Music World. :)] Saw a lot of movies, kept talking with dad, took some long walks with him in Trishur. Visited temples and some how tryied to stay away from the reality that mom is not around.
February, I came back to Dallas feeling as miserable as I could, leaving my dad to be all alone all by himself. It used to eat me a lot and upset me quite sometimes thinking how he is handling the whole stuff. And then at times, I thought of my brother as to how he is handling it. None of the phone calls ever made to him or my dad made me come to terms with myself. After a phone call to my brother, I end up even more upset realizing that he is equally as upset as me, but is just trying to just ignore it and accept it in his own way.
For a few weeks after return, I had bad health, and when returning, I lost my luggage and at last felt funny and awkward when I reached Dallas. By March, I had to travel again. [Looked like at last God did give me a signal that mentally escaping from situations were cool.] So there I was making new friends and getting to do some work after 2 years of break. Initially was scared that I might not remember any of what I have done. But eventually, I got going and was happy with myself. Being in this new job meant that I stay away from R for sometime. Of course we ended up visiting during weekends, but it was sorta hectic.
Looking back at it now, it was fun with all the sadness in it for my mom would have been really happy to know that I started working again. And above all, it took away everything from my mind for sometime with me and R meeting each other over the weekends, so it was a new place, new people and new lifestyle for a couple of months. Made some new friends who still are in contact even after me leaving that city. Feels good when I say that. :) Funny as we grow old, it becomes more difficult to make friends and stay in constant touch with them. Age has something to do with being open to accept people as they are.
June came and it was one year since my granny had passed away. My granny was one person who molded me to what I am today. She was a very loveable personality. We all feel bad that we did not feel the pain of her demise for she was bedridden for almost close to 4 years. After a few months of her being bedridden, we realized that we had lost her. Its only a matter of time before she breathes her last. That pain of losing her was felt a long time ago so much so that when she passed away it was not that painful. What with mom’s accident a month earlier to granny's demise, we sort of forgot granny for a few days when my mom’s condition was critical. Remembering all that made me so guilty and heavy for so many days and at times tried talking to her like she was around.
So eventually with all that done, dad felt a little at terms with himself and decided to visit my brother abroad. That was a mighty step that we made dad take at last. An achievement for the two of us (me and my brother).
And so went July and August. And September made me remember mom and my parents wedding day propelled me to start logging at blogspot. Writing that day did ease my heart a lot and that’s when I made up mind that I am going to write more. I haven’t been able to do that consistently due to both busy-ness and lazy-ness. But honestly, I have been really busy the last few months. But whatever little I had written, has made me feel good. With that came the habit of reading so many web logs. As of now, am still enjoying it. Guess this is the escape this time. Whatever, the end taste that it leaves is good. So until the time I am enjoying it guess I would continue doing it.
Came October and I was all set to go for my mom’s anniversary. I couldn’t believe that it had been a year. And what a hectic schedule in life it was. For 3 weeks of stay with my dad and brother, I literally had wheels in my feet before the trip to complete things here and time just vanished like anything there… 3 weeks went away like 3 days. But anyways, I documented all that was required for future reference and think I did everything well so that my mom’s spirit would have reached the place that is supposed to be. (Although I am skeptic about all this, she believed it so blindly, so couldn’t help not doing it. It was like, she was there asking me why am I not doing it for her.) One good thing out of the whole stuff is, I know how to tie madisaar now without any help from anyone. WOO HOO! What an achievement! Both my granny and my mom would have been very proud to know that I can tie it all by myself.
There was one lovely thing of this whole India trip. Got to spend some quality time with my brother and got to meet a couple friends who mean the world to me. It had been almost 5 years since I spent some quality time with my brother and meeting those friends were equally next to impossible for my kind of life-style and their do not match. Added to this, you can add the difference of place and time. So that was really a lucky time for all of us to be able to meet one another. That one week when I was able to think that I have gone back to my college days, with my dad and brother around at the same time and my friends who mean the most to me, I was really as close to heaven as I could be. And this time, we were able to visit Thirupathi. My... that place does have a way of making you feel content and calm inspite of all the buzzing activity around you. Life seemed blessed then.
November I am back in Dallas trying to get back in routine. But not without struggle though. What an eventful return flight it was. Anyways was back in Dallas and tried assimilating a lot of stuff. This year was indeed a roller coaster ride for me. There were real real highs and deep lows. But things have been that way from 2000. But something was at peace this year within me that I am unable to explain. I have never felt this all these years but I can now, with 2006 coming to a close. Dunno if its because I started this logging, or its because I know that I did all that I could do for mom, the way she wanted, or is it that I was able to meet and be with people who mean the most to me during this year.
Or is it that I am happy with myself and am at last learning to grow and accept the truth that there has to be pain and insecurity when growing… so just accept it and move ahead! There are times when it hurts to realize that you understand you mother better after marriage. It hurts more when you realize there is no way to communicate it to her to make her understand how much you love her. But then there are times that make me think, well if she were around she may not be happy to depend on someone after the accident. So God decided what was best for her and the family. Seeing her struggle would have been more painful for all of us. Oh yeah! We do not want that for her. We did see granny struggle.
Whatever, with the year coming to a close, I some how feel that I have grown old and I do not like it. I just wish I could get back to my teens and feel secure in the arms of my granny and have a chat in the terrace with my dad, brother and friends, with my mom and granny waiting on us down below. Ofcourse mom was busy watching TV and granny was keeping herself busy with something or the other or it would be the two of them in a conversation. If only I could turn back time?
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